i'm falling in love with candy apple red.
tomorrow, dear bridgeport lake, i shall visit you again.
the only time i ever buy a venti starbucks is when i have a gift card.
i wish there was more time in the day to read!
i love the scroggins family so much.
what to make first out of my new cookbook??
need to find someone who cuts hair and isn't too pricy.
thankful for sales and coupons!
i love the airport, generally speaking. and traveling.
holy cow there was a GORGEOUS sunset today!!
i'd love to teach 3rd grade sunday school in january.
miss the thomas family.
Lord, help me trust you in all things.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
12:18am
the Lord gives peace when we need it most.
oh, that wisdom would come too,
for this is what i long for--
a living wisdom
that will guide the steps of grace
to peace's resting place,
safe amidst His arms.
H
oh, that wisdom would come too,
for this is what i long for--
a living wisdom
that will guide the steps of grace
to peace's resting place,
safe amidst His arms.
H
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
tavira
her streets are empty
and dark and cold
yet the tile and cobblestone
hold stories untold
we walked through the ruins
of old castle walls
and listened--so softly--
to the sounds when night falls
this country, this place,
this beautiful land
is enchanting, yet haunting
all made from His hand
wide wonder inside me
is countered with fear
that not many know Him
who call it "home" here
and yet this He knows
and yet this He sees
yet one day, oh some day
they'll fall to their knees.
H
and dark and cold
yet the tile and cobblestone
hold stories untold
we walked through the ruins
of old castle walls
and listened--so softly--
to the sounds when night falls
this country, this place,
this beautiful land
is enchanting, yet haunting
all made from His hand
wide wonder inside me
is countered with fear
that not many know Him
who call it "home" here
and yet this He knows
and yet this He sees
yet one day, oh some day
they'll fall to their knees.
H
Sunday, November 14, 2010
begin again
family picture. passport. keys. ring. converse shoes. checkbook. blanket. a list of names. bible.
the clock ticks and tocks
and strikes ten.
i don't hear much, except white noise
the silence flowing peacefully throughout a quiet house
black-framed photographs watch me from across the room
in a pile rests supplies that will accompany thursday's suitcase.
a puzzled reflection stares back at the world
don't leave me hanging here, stuck between two lives
you know, don't you, what's about to come
and yet you hold your secrets tightly;
no one promised fifty years
though at times twenty would suffice
and now, though i've started so many times,
it'll all begin again,
but not before it ends.
because it must end, ironically.
each of these things means something different to me right now.
though different, all connected
in some way or another.
H
the clock ticks and tocks
and strikes ten.
i don't hear much, except white noise
the silence flowing peacefully throughout a quiet house
black-framed photographs watch me from across the room
in a pile rests supplies that will accompany thursday's suitcase.
a puzzled reflection stares back at the world
don't leave me hanging here, stuck between two lives
you know, don't you, what's about to come
and yet you hold your secrets tightly;
no one promised fifty years
though at times twenty would suffice
and now, though i've started so many times,
it'll all begin again,
but not before it ends.
because it must end, ironically.
each of these things means something different to me right now.
though different, all connected
in some way or another.
H
Thursday, October 28, 2010
.k.
whose is the voice that whispers
amidst the chaos of the moment?
whose is the silent shadow
of which we see the effects
but know not the face?
whose is the fragrance of grace and mercy
intoxicating our lives,
the aroma to which we become so immune?
that voice, that shadow, that fragrance---
it is He.
He who knows your name and your deepest thoughts
He who cares when you're frustrated,
and hurts when you're self-focused
He who--knowing you hated Him--chose you to be his little girl.
more than anything,
Satan and his servants want to convince you that you are a failure,
that you have fallen too far, too deep
and that the only way to get back on your feet is to do it yourself
but it's a lie.
rejoice, dear one.
rejoice that you have realized your need for our precious Savior.
He knows you are weak, but He is Strength for you
He knows when you sin, but He is Perfection for you.
what does He desire of you, little one?
to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him
to put Him above all other thoughts and deeds
because when you are close to Him
the lusts of the world will lose their brilliance
trading appeal in for tarnish,
but that in which your hope is secure
our precious Jesus
will
never
fade.
amidst the chaos of the moment?
whose is the silent shadow
of which we see the effects
but know not the face?
whose is the fragrance of grace and mercy
intoxicating our lives,
the aroma to which we become so immune?
that voice, that shadow, that fragrance---
it is He.
He who knows your name and your deepest thoughts
He who cares when you're frustrated,
and hurts when you're self-focused
He who--knowing you hated Him--chose you to be his little girl.
more than anything,
Satan and his servants want to convince you that you are a failure,
that you have fallen too far, too deep
and that the only way to get back on your feet is to do it yourself
but it's a lie.
rejoice, dear one.
rejoice that you have realized your need for our precious Savior.
He knows you are weak, but He is Strength for you
He knows when you sin, but He is Perfection for you.
what does He desire of you, little one?
to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him
to put Him above all other thoughts and deeds
because when you are close to Him
the lusts of the world will lose their brilliance
trading appeal in for tarnish,
but that in which your hope is secure
our precious Jesus
will
never
fade.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
looking up
today was a reminder that i am not in control. only the Lord is. and despite chaos and confusion and the stress of circumstances around me, He remains on his beautiful, holy throne, ruling the world. somehow, this gives me comfort. and i can finish the day in peace, and get up and start another one tomorrow. oh Lord, my precious Jesus--i love you. so very much.
H
H
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
beautiful power.
lightning strikes...
grey is the rain that pours on my windshield
and the sky is illuminated in smoky shadows.
for some, terror rises
and the pelting water ushes fear into the hearts of man
a thunderous bolt cracks apart the heavens
shooting straight toward the earth
they are torn between pulling over to safety
and reaching their destination.
but for her--
oh she who thrives at this magnificence,
she whose breath is stolen by the sheer thought of this beautiful power--
it is glorious
strangely magical
and it breaks all pride she once clung to.
for Who is this
that commands the clouds
that alters the patterns of the wind
and can--with a mere thought--
turn light drizzle into thunderous downpour?
it jolted my thinking
and i suddenly realized this is a mere snapshot
of God's wrath against those who reject him
who hate his name
who don't have time for him
or who think they're good enough to make the cut,
not recognizing (or accepting)
that "good people" don't go to heaven.
how often have i failed to exemplify God's grace?
how many times have i modeled merely obedience to the rules,
rather than heart transformation?
oh Father...God who holds the lightning bolts in your palm
forgive me
and forgive those i know who dont know you
the people who think they do but dont,
and they who have no interest in you
i know so many people who--
if they refuse your loving forgiveness for the many times they've broken your perfect standards--
are destined for never-ending fire & damnation
and without humble repentence,
your wrath at their sin will be poured down upon them
like the storm i drove through last night.
use me, sweet Savior.
let my life serve only as a light amidst this dark, stormy world
may i let my own desires and dreams die
so that yours will live.
H
grey is the rain that pours on my windshield
and the sky is illuminated in smoky shadows.
for some, terror rises
and the pelting water ushes fear into the hearts of man
a thunderous bolt cracks apart the heavens
shooting straight toward the earth
they are torn between pulling over to safety
and reaching their destination.
but for her--
oh she who thrives at this magnificence,
she whose breath is stolen by the sheer thought of this beautiful power--
it is glorious
strangely magical
and it breaks all pride she once clung to.
for Who is this
that commands the clouds
that alters the patterns of the wind
and can--with a mere thought--
turn light drizzle into thunderous downpour?
it jolted my thinking
and i suddenly realized this is a mere snapshot
of God's wrath against those who reject him
who hate his name
who don't have time for him
or who think they're good enough to make the cut,
not recognizing (or accepting)
that "good people" don't go to heaven.
how often have i failed to exemplify God's grace?
how many times have i modeled merely obedience to the rules,
rather than heart transformation?
oh Father...God who holds the lightning bolts in your palm
forgive me
and forgive those i know who dont know you
the people who think they do but dont,
and they who have no interest in you
i know so many people who--
if they refuse your loving forgiveness for the many times they've broken your perfect standards--
are destined for never-ending fire & damnation
and without humble repentence,
your wrath at their sin will be poured down upon them
like the storm i drove through last night.
use me, sweet Savior.
let my life serve only as a light amidst this dark, stormy world
may i let my own desires and dreams die
so that yours will live.
H
Sunday, October 3, 2010
embrace
they seem long,
these days,
filled with unexpected happenings
with dreams forgotten and hopes left dry
and it's easy--somewhat expected--
to doubt, to blame, even to create answers for the unknown
without approaching the source that will satisfy
all the longings of one's heart.
and when one does do this
the answers seem so backwards
so opposite from what was thought to occur.
how can destruction, death, and silence solve the problems and worries of the present?
will this not bring more questions and deeper anxieties for the future?
...
then He speaks,
and all tongues are silenced.
the hearts of men cower in desperate fear.
for they know the history of His hands
the intensity with which He tramples His foes
and He need not give an explanation
for how He spins the world.
yet grace grows abundantly
in the garden of human desire
because the promises thought to be abandoned
are displayed in a brilliant array of color
for these black-and-white eyes.
wonders beyond the imagination of man
will one day be realized
not for the sake of providing answers to the childish minds of the people
but rather to confirm to them
His inexplicable power
His agenda for glory.
this is His moment.
--inspired by the book of Habakkuk
[who says the Old Testament isn't relevant today?]
these days,
filled with unexpected happenings
with dreams forgotten and hopes left dry
and it's easy--somewhat expected--
to doubt, to blame, even to create answers for the unknown
without approaching the source that will satisfy
all the longings of one's heart.
and when one does do this
the answers seem so backwards
so opposite from what was thought to occur.
how can destruction, death, and silence solve the problems and worries of the present?
will this not bring more questions and deeper anxieties for the future?
...
then He speaks,
and all tongues are silenced.
the hearts of men cower in desperate fear.
for they know the history of His hands
the intensity with which He tramples His foes
and He need not give an explanation
for how He spins the world.
yet grace grows abundantly
in the garden of human desire
because the promises thought to be abandoned
are displayed in a brilliant array of color
for these black-and-white eyes.
wonders beyond the imagination of man
will one day be realized
not for the sake of providing answers to the childish minds of the people
but rather to confirm to them
His inexplicable power
His agenda for glory.
this is His moment.
--inspired by the book of Habakkuk
[who says the Old Testament isn't relevant today?]
Friday, October 1, 2010
3 hours
we sat there and talked by the lake tonight
i laughed, almost cried, and smiled up at him often
i'm sure he thought i was crazy
and yet, i know he understands
from two different perspectives we watched the sky
silent lightning illuminated one patch of clouds
and we watched it as the sun set behind the horizon;
each time it shot out with fire-like brilliance,
i stopped breathing,
and i'd just look at him with huge, bright eyes
because i loved it so much
and i told him all the things he was to me
things that words cant give justice to
i talked of my dreams and my fears, mostly the latter of the two
and though i couldnt get any clear answers tonight,
being with him gave me peace
because he's so much wiser than i
and i know he'll be with me when they do come
and there's no one else i'd rather share them with.
H
i laughed, almost cried, and smiled up at him often
i'm sure he thought i was crazy
and yet, i know he understands
from two different perspectives we watched the sky
silent lightning illuminated one patch of clouds
and we watched it as the sun set behind the horizon;
each time it shot out with fire-like brilliance,
i stopped breathing,
and i'd just look at him with huge, bright eyes
because i loved it so much
and i told him all the things he was to me
things that words cant give justice to
i talked of my dreams and my fears, mostly the latter of the two
and though i couldnt get any clear answers tonight,
being with him gave me peace
because he's so much wiser than i
and i know he'll be with me when they do come
and there's no one else i'd rather share them with.
H
Monday, September 27, 2010
one day
it's there, written down,
all the answers in the book
the satisfactions to life's questions
repeated and restated
don't know how many times i've asked the same ones
don't know how many times i've been given a no
but i'm told to keep pressing, keep pushing, keep praying
where do i go, where do i start
[or rather, where do i pick up where i last left off]
funny thing is, i know many of the answers
but they don't make sense
and i'm left sliding down again
bruised knees and wet eyes
begging for what i both know and don't have a clue
i am sand stuck in a bottle
shaken and tossed about in the ocean
waiting to rest upon a forsaken island
to be opened and read and taken for what i am
poured out again with the rest of the khaki grains
are these dreams not compatible with reality?
will the summer fruit not be ripe until winter sets?
i tremble, yet not as i should
the day i bury my head in fear will be the one in which the golden gate is finally unlocked
and i won't be able to bear the sight of beyond those closed doors
for the lack of good within this rotted soul
yet deliverance will be mine, when i least deserve it
and the broken shards of glass will be fire-blown into something precious.
remember this dead man, oh God, and breathe life into that which so easily loses its reflection of you.
all the answers in the book
the satisfactions to life's questions
repeated and restated
don't know how many times i've asked the same ones
don't know how many times i've been given a no
but i'm told to keep pressing, keep pushing, keep praying
where do i go, where do i start
[or rather, where do i pick up where i last left off]
funny thing is, i know many of the answers
but they don't make sense
and i'm left sliding down again
bruised knees and wet eyes
begging for what i both know and don't have a clue
i am sand stuck in a bottle
shaken and tossed about in the ocean
waiting to rest upon a forsaken island
to be opened and read and taken for what i am
poured out again with the rest of the khaki grains
are these dreams not compatible with reality?
will the summer fruit not be ripe until winter sets?
i tremble, yet not as i should
the day i bury my head in fear will be the one in which the golden gate is finally unlocked
and i won't be able to bear the sight of beyond those closed doors
for the lack of good within this rotted soul
yet deliverance will be mine, when i least deserve it
and the broken shards of glass will be fire-blown into something precious.
remember this dead man, oh God, and breathe life into that which so easily loses its reflection of you.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
tonight
my heart is so proud
my mind is so unfocused
i see the things You do through me as great things i have done
and now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me
and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker
i ask you, "how many times will you pick me up, when i keep on letting you down?
and each time i will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
and you answer, " My child, I love you
and as long as you're seeking My face,
you'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace"
at times i may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job
for who am i to serve You? i know i don't deserve You
and that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on
i ask you, "how many times will you pick me up, when i keep on letting you down?
and each time i will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
and you answer, " My child, I love you
and as long as you're seeking My face,
you'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace"
as i walk with You, i'm learning what Your grace really means
the price that i could never pay was paid at calvary
so instead of trying to repay You, i'm learning to simply obey You
by giving up my life to you for all that You've given to me
laura story
"grace"
my mind is so unfocused
i see the things You do through me as great things i have done
and now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me
and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker
i ask you, "how many times will you pick me up, when i keep on letting you down?
and each time i will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
and you answer, " My child, I love you
and as long as you're seeking My face,
you'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace"
at times i may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job
for who am i to serve You? i know i don't deserve You
and that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on
i ask you, "how many times will you pick me up, when i keep on letting you down?
and each time i will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
and you answer, " My child, I love you
and as long as you're seeking My face,
you'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace"
as i walk with You, i'm learning what Your grace really means
the price that i could never pay was paid at calvary
so instead of trying to repay You, i'm learning to simply obey You
by giving up my life to you for all that You've given to me
laura story
"grace"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
8:31:10
it's nostalgic for the future
it's a dream i can't see
it's like trying to fill a pitcher
with the ripples of the sea
don't know where it's all going
or if it'll ever be
but once upon a time
i thought i could foresee
oh the waves keep crashing over
and yet they hold the key
to unlock the secrets hidden
in the deepest parts of me
i'm giving it all up now
falling down upon my knee
'cause where tears and joy are blended
is the place i need to be
what have i done to merit
all the favor blessed by He
when my heart is so deceitful
yet He hung upon that tree
let me now forsake the future
what i will or will not see
as i walk the path with eyes closed
my faith trusting firm in thee.
H
it's a dream i can't see
it's like trying to fill a pitcher
with the ripples of the sea
don't know where it's all going
or if it'll ever be
but once upon a time
i thought i could foresee
oh the waves keep crashing over
and yet they hold the key
to unlock the secrets hidden
in the deepest parts of me
i'm giving it all up now
falling down upon my knee
'cause where tears and joy are blended
is the place i need to be
what have i done to merit
all the favor blessed by He
when my heart is so deceitful
yet He hung upon that tree
let me now forsake the future
what i will or will not see
as i walk the path with eyes closed
my faith trusting firm in thee.
H
Sunday, August 29, 2010
diamonds of wisdom
so many words remain unspoken
some of which will never be
and others whose time has not yet come.
the thoughts that flood my heart tonight
would fill the pages of a novel
and yet
there they will stay
until i discover when and where and how
to communicate them,
and for now, all i can do is show with my hands, my feet
[yet in part, not in full]
and though i try to understand it all,
i cannot.
why my soul is bursting at the seams
why sleep flees from me in the dark hours
why the battle between the truth and emotions rages on.
my desire is to please Him who gives me breath each morning
but how does life fit into this?
how do i counsel the girl with a broken heart and pleading eyes?
how do i laugh with him and yet guard my heart?
how do i train her young mind to forsake the pleasures of the world?
what do i say to her whom i admire but who is struggling?
and how do i know which path to walk in quiet submission and trust?
oh how i crave wisdom!
i desire not beauty and knowledge and fame,
but a discerning heart
to know how to wrestle with these things
and to walk out of the fire chiseled and shaped
into a reflective diamond
letting the brilliance of His touch
bring rainbows on the wall,
outshining all else.
H
some of which will never be
and others whose time has not yet come.
the thoughts that flood my heart tonight
would fill the pages of a novel
and yet
there they will stay
until i discover when and where and how
to communicate them,
and for now, all i can do is show with my hands, my feet
[yet in part, not in full]
and though i try to understand it all,
i cannot.
why my soul is bursting at the seams
why sleep flees from me in the dark hours
why the battle between the truth and emotions rages on.
my desire is to please Him who gives me breath each morning
but how does life fit into this?
how do i counsel the girl with a broken heart and pleading eyes?
how do i laugh with him and yet guard my heart?
how do i train her young mind to forsake the pleasures of the world?
what do i say to her whom i admire but who is struggling?
and how do i know which path to walk in quiet submission and trust?
oh how i crave wisdom!
i desire not beauty and knowledge and fame,
but a discerning heart
to know how to wrestle with these things
and to walk out of the fire chiseled and shaped
into a reflective diamond
letting the brilliance of His touch
bring rainbows on the wall,
outshining all else.
H
Friday, August 20, 2010
the lake
it was gorgeous out there by the lake tonight.
everything was silent, except the steady water
trickling out the sides of lined pathways.
in the air, the moon shone her blurred, milky luster
reflecting on the dark ripples of the lake.
it's one of my favorite places to visit--
that bridgeport lake--
with its regal lighthouse and gentle breeze,
even after nine.
i love leaning over the edge of the rail and just staring into the distance
hunting for my special constellation,
as well as others, like the big dipper tonight.
i love the serenity,
and being able to amble down the bridge
without a thought of where i ought to be
or what i ought to be doing.
sometimes, you just need an escape place
one that you will only go to with those close friends
as you share your secret thrills with them
and yet, only some will understand you,
for most know not the breathtaking reward of the little wooden bridge
surrounded by perfect houses.
it's a place where i can have conversations with no one in particular
or talk to He who listens from the night sky
to pour out my thoughts, my concerns, my fears and joys
and to wait patiently for Him to respond.
what also fascinates me
is the contrast you find within a few yards of the bridge--
for another bridge stands, guarding one entrance to the majestic lighthouse,
and from here i stopped and observed the cars of newhall ranch road
speeding back and forth, practically all in a hurry,
and the color of the streets changed from yellow to red to green.
a small glimpse of the city, and yet behind me is the quiet lake
with 2 ducks softly swaying along together.
how utterly beautiful!
goodnight, my special spot.
and when i need to share smiles or tears with you
i will visit again.
H
everything was silent, except the steady water
trickling out the sides of lined pathways.
in the air, the moon shone her blurred, milky luster
reflecting on the dark ripples of the lake.
it's one of my favorite places to visit--
that bridgeport lake--
with its regal lighthouse and gentle breeze,
even after nine.
i love leaning over the edge of the rail and just staring into the distance
hunting for my special constellation,
as well as others, like the big dipper tonight.
i love the serenity,
and being able to amble down the bridge
without a thought of where i ought to be
or what i ought to be doing.
sometimes, you just need an escape place
one that you will only go to with those close friends
as you share your secret thrills with them
and yet, only some will understand you,
for most know not the breathtaking reward of the little wooden bridge
surrounded by perfect houses.
it's a place where i can have conversations with no one in particular
or talk to He who listens from the night sky
to pour out my thoughts, my concerns, my fears and joys
and to wait patiently for Him to respond.
what also fascinates me
is the contrast you find within a few yards of the bridge--
for another bridge stands, guarding one entrance to the majestic lighthouse,
and from here i stopped and observed the cars of newhall ranch road
speeding back and forth, practically all in a hurry,
and the color of the streets changed from yellow to red to green.
a small glimpse of the city, and yet behind me is the quiet lake
with 2 ducks softly swaying along together.
how utterly beautiful!
goodnight, my special spot.
and when i need to share smiles or tears with you
i will visit again.
H
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
let her be
why don't they understand?
can't they see?
they're tearing me apart with their ignorance
their encouragement is breaking my heart and causing doubts to rise
i was fine, i was victorious
but their questions--over and over--their assumptions
has eaten me away and i can't stand it
why can't they just be silent
and really think before speaking?
i'm sick of it all
they just don't get it
they don't see because their eyes are closed
don't they know what it's taken me?
why can't they stop and try for once
to honestly look at it from my perspective
and take my words for what i really say
i hate the pity, the sympathy
because i'd rather grow by myself
than be stunted by "advice" and "encouragement"
if you're going to do that, then just let me be
turn your hurtful eyes
and say nothing at all.
can't they see?
they're tearing me apart with their ignorance
their encouragement is breaking my heart and causing doubts to rise
i was fine, i was victorious
but their questions--over and over--their assumptions
has eaten me away and i can't stand it
why can't they just be silent
and really think before speaking?
i'm sick of it all
they just don't get it
they don't see because their eyes are closed
don't they know what it's taken me?
why can't they stop and try for once
to honestly look at it from my perspective
and take my words for what i really say
i hate the pity, the sympathy
because i'd rather grow by myself
than be stunted by "advice" and "encouragement"
if you're going to do that, then just let me be
turn your hurtful eyes
and say nothing at all.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
5 minute rain
i just adore the rain
even if it comes and goes in a matter of minutes...
as soon as i heard the pitter-patter of that hot, summer rain
i (literally) ran downstairs and stood outside
smiling and watching it fall
as the sleepy sun sinks down behind the clouds...
and then,
it was gone.
H
even if it comes and goes in a matter of minutes...
as soon as i heard the pitter-patter of that hot, summer rain
i (literally) ran downstairs and stood outside
smiling and watching it fall
as the sleepy sun sinks down behind the clouds...
and then,
it was gone.
H
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
thy mercy
Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.
Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.
Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.
Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
Caedmon's Call
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.
Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.
Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.
Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
Caedmon's Call
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
having the right perspective
I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
I will glory in my Redeemer
MY LIFE HE BOUGHT, MY LOVE HE OWNS
I HAVE NO LONGINGS FOR ANOTHER
I’M SATISFIED IN HIM ALONE
I will glory in my Redeemer
HIS FAITHFULNESS MY STANDING PLACE
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle's wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I'll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
I will glory in my Redeemer
MY LIFE HE BOUGHT, MY LOVE HE OWNS
I HAVE NO LONGINGS FOR ANOTHER
I’M SATISFIED IN HIM ALONE
I will glory in my Redeemer
HIS FAITHFULNESS MY STANDING PLACE
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle's wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I'll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold
Friday, July 2, 2010
torn
what do i do, Lord? what do you want me to do?
there are so many options vying for my attention, so many paths i could take--and in some respects i want to take--but i cannot travel them all. do You want me to teach? in the states or somewhere else? india? right now or later? should i stay and get more training? should i clear my credential? should i work where i was accepted or keep looking? oh God, please forgive me for my lack of trust in You! forgive me for the many times i tell You what i want to do! let my heart only be to do Your will, not mine! but oh Lord, please make it clear to me, i'm begging You! i am being pulled in so many directions and i need Your wisdom and guidance. i need the counsel of others. break my pride, Father, and look down with patience on Your daughter. let me dwell safely in Your loving arms tonight, Jesus, and fill my mind with thoughts of You, not of worry about the future. You are the God of Abraham, Joshua, Isaiah, Paul, James, Solomon, David, and You led each of them in the way You had chosen. show the way for Your servant, oh Lord. bring me contentment as i learn to forsake everything but You.
H
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
day 42
Going Places with God by Wayne Stiles
"Where Sorrow Leads"
Matthew 26:69-27:14
Today a peaceful monastery in Jerusalem's southern valley offers no clue to the horrific atrocities that occurred near there in the days of Judah's kings. In Jesus' day, the city dump lay in this gorge. Some suggest that fires continually burned trash, and so Jesus used the smoldering landfill as an illustration of hell's eternal flames.
One has to wonder if this is the reason Judas's desperate regret led him to this ravine known as the Hinnom Valley. For here, according to tradition, the guilt-ridden betrayer of Christ hung himself and then fell headlong, spilling his innards. Hence, the residents later named the place "Hakeldama" or "Field of Blood" (see Acts 1:18-19). On that same day, Peter committed a sin just as wrong as Judas did, and yet Peter's regret just resulted in a good cry (and a changed life). What made the difference?
Like these two disciples, as we come face to face with the raw truth of our carnal hearts, our guilt will lead us in one of two directions. As Paul wrote, "For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death" (2 Corinthians 7:10). While Judas's sorrow led him to a needless, desperate act--bowing to sin's penalty--Peter's sorrow led him to grace...to seeking sin's remedy.
God intends the pangs of shame to lead us away from our guilt and toward his grace. For although sin leads us down into the Hinnom Valley, Jesus offers us the path back out--up to Calvary. With our sins forgiven, we then have no reason to feel shame but every reason to embrace the new life Jesus offers.
Traditional location of the Valley of Hinnom
"Where Sorrow Leads"
Matthew 26:69-27:14
Today a peaceful monastery in Jerusalem's southern valley offers no clue to the horrific atrocities that occurred near there in the days of Judah's kings. In Jesus' day, the city dump lay in this gorge. Some suggest that fires continually burned trash, and so Jesus used the smoldering landfill as an illustration of hell's eternal flames.
One has to wonder if this is the reason Judas's desperate regret led him to this ravine known as the Hinnom Valley. For here, according to tradition, the guilt-ridden betrayer of Christ hung himself and then fell headlong, spilling his innards. Hence, the residents later named the place "Hakeldama" or "Field of Blood" (see Acts 1:18-19). On that same day, Peter committed a sin just as wrong as Judas did, and yet Peter's regret just resulted in a good cry (and a changed life). What made the difference?
Like these two disciples, as we come face to face with the raw truth of our carnal hearts, our guilt will lead us in one of two directions. As Paul wrote, "For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death" (2 Corinthians 7:10). While Judas's sorrow led him to a needless, desperate act--bowing to sin's penalty--Peter's sorrow led him to grace...to seeking sin's remedy.
God intends the pangs of shame to lead us away from our guilt and toward his grace. For although sin leads us down into the Hinnom Valley, Jesus offers us the path back out--up to Calvary. With our sins forgiven, we then have no reason to feel shame but every reason to embrace the new life Jesus offers.
Traditional location of the Valley of Hinnom
Saturday, June 26, 2010
a playhouse, a long phone call, & a fish
i'm surprised i even woke up this morning. last night i got 2 "wrong numbers" after midnight and wouldnt be called an "early bird" these days. i had contemplated committing to clean for a lady at 8am on a saturday, but hey--it's a job and every little bit helps. so yes, the blaring alarm got me out of bed (not just to hit the snooze and fall back down again, as is my habit lately) and i was actually out of the house a few minutes earlier than planned.
she cracks me up. always smiling and laughing about something, always a story to tell, whether it's her kids or grandkids, or neighbors. part of me wonders at times why she trusts a "stranger" to clean while she leaves for work or errands, but then i remember oh yeah, that's one of the blessings of being fellow God-followers...you're not a complete stranger..you can immediately connect in your relationship with Him and realize you're "family." :) so today i cleaned an old, wooden playhouse, no doubt used for years and years. it definitely wasnt the typical plastic, everything-is-safety-proof-for-kids-under-12-&-labeled-with-warning-stickers houses they make today. it was cute, with silk roses in the worn flowerbox on the front porch and faded white paint peeling everywhere. it took me back to childhood memories, when my cousin and i would play house in her wooden cottage with the 2 part door (my favorite part) and the bunk bed above a very cramped kitchen. ahh but now those days have flown away, and the closest i can get to them is hosing off cob-webbed dishes for children half my height.
one o'clock. time to call a friend. we talked for 2 hours & 40 minutes, to be exact. but each minute was well-spent, and i drank in the knowledge she shared about africa, trying to translate it to indian terms. let's just say i have a lot to chew on, and it will be a tougher meal to swallow than i am expecting...and yet...one that will [if the Lord is willing] sweep away all other tastes i've tried before. i'm realizing more and more how utterly dependent i have to be on God to make this whole india thing happen. he's quite simply and yet so complexly the only one who could pull it all off. i'll share more musings on that another day.
dinner rolled around and i've been really wanting to make fish. not exactly sure how to conquer my little albertsons' salmon fillet from the seafood section, i took a knife to it (admittedly a quite dull one, since none other was to be found). poor fish. the goal was to separate the skin from the meat. was the goal accomplished? only half-way. i kept laughing and thinking what i'd do if i was in india and i actually had to fish for and chop up that salmon myself. well, i decided to just leave the skin on and dress it up, except that i didnt have some of the ingredients called for by my oh-so-handy cookbook. solution? make it up. so a few minutes later, my salmon fillet--covered with crushed cheez-its and basil and parmesian cheese--went into the oven. i think it wouldve tasted the most excellent it could have tasted if the accompanying rice didnt cook so fast and burn. but hey, if i missed pulling out any bones there was nothing to worry about since i couldnt distinguish them from the cheez-its anyways.
well...tomorrow is sunday and i'm looking forward to church and spending time with Jesus along with those in my church family.
goodnight to you who read this. and if you dont, well that's alright with me. its just some thoughts of the day. :)
H
she cracks me up. always smiling and laughing about something, always a story to tell, whether it's her kids or grandkids, or neighbors. part of me wonders at times why she trusts a "stranger" to clean while she leaves for work or errands, but then i remember oh yeah, that's one of the blessings of being fellow God-followers...you're not a complete stranger..you can immediately connect in your relationship with Him and realize you're "family." :) so today i cleaned an old, wooden playhouse, no doubt used for years and years. it definitely wasnt the typical plastic, everything-is-safety-proof-for-kids-under-12-&-labeled-with-warning-stickers houses they make today. it was cute, with silk roses in the worn flowerbox on the front porch and faded white paint peeling everywhere. it took me back to childhood memories, when my cousin and i would play house in her wooden cottage with the 2 part door (my favorite part) and the bunk bed above a very cramped kitchen. ahh but now those days have flown away, and the closest i can get to them is hosing off cob-webbed dishes for children half my height.
one o'clock. time to call a friend. we talked for 2 hours & 40 minutes, to be exact. but each minute was well-spent, and i drank in the knowledge she shared about africa, trying to translate it to indian terms. let's just say i have a lot to chew on, and it will be a tougher meal to swallow than i am expecting...and yet...one that will [if the Lord is willing] sweep away all other tastes i've tried before. i'm realizing more and more how utterly dependent i have to be on God to make this whole india thing happen. he's quite simply and yet so complexly the only one who could pull it all off. i'll share more musings on that another day.
dinner rolled around and i've been really wanting to make fish. not exactly sure how to conquer my little albertsons' salmon fillet from the seafood section, i took a knife to it (admittedly a quite dull one, since none other was to be found). poor fish. the goal was to separate the skin from the meat. was the goal accomplished? only half-way. i kept laughing and thinking what i'd do if i was in india and i actually had to fish for and chop up that salmon myself. well, i decided to just leave the skin on and dress it up, except that i didnt have some of the ingredients called for by my oh-so-handy cookbook. solution? make it up. so a few minutes later, my salmon fillet--covered with crushed cheez-its and basil and parmesian cheese--went into the oven. i think it wouldve tasted the most excellent it could have tasted if the accompanying rice didnt cook so fast and burn. but hey, if i missed pulling out any bones there was nothing to worry about since i couldnt distinguish them from the cheez-its anyways.
well...tomorrow is sunday and i'm looking forward to church and spending time with Jesus along with those in my church family.
goodnight to you who read this. and if you dont, well that's alright with me. its just some thoughts of the day. :)
H
Monday, June 14, 2010
thoughts
it's one of those days where i just had to really live up to the title of this blog. i've been itching to go to india and thinking a lot about it lately...then i had this long conversation with my parents and i feel so inadequate and yet still want to go so bad it hurts. and i'm sitting on my bed crying as i type because i so desperately want to be in God's will about all this. and i have so much to do and think about and research and learn, and i honestly admit my anxiety and worry that i won't be able to do what i want to do in life. but even more than that, my heart just aches that i haven't been honoring the Lord by trusting in His plan for my life. oh God, please forgive me for my selfishness, my pride! i'm begging you--please! i want to do what is right and true and honorable and pure and excellent! help me live uprightly!
i can't write anymore--the screen is blurring as the pain in my heart is too overwhelming. i'll finish this later.
i can't write anymore--the screen is blurring as the pain in my heart is too overwhelming. i'll finish this later.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
blue china
the sun's rays woke me up early this morning
peeking through the slits of the curtains.
i secretly smiled as the blanket went back over my head
trying to take advantage of just a little more sleep.
i love the view i share with the window.
partially blocked by a large tree,
separating my room from the neighbor's house,
i can gaze outside at the ever-changing sky
which i have no doubt will be heavenly on rainy afternoons.
downstairs, i am finding that this is a well-worn kitchen
and i am sure that hundreds of people have chatted
and cooked and laughed and cried here over the years.
today as i sat at the table, i felt like a character from a quaint, dusty novel
[the kind that silently sleeps on your grandmother's bookshelf, hiding its breathless adventures].
a bowl of fruit sat quietly in the center of a clean white tablecloth, the open shutters revealed an enchanting garden with the trickling sound of a mini waterfall, vines growing along the trellis were starting to bloom,
and my hands balanced a blue china teacup and saucer.
we sat there and talked for what seemed like ten minutes,
though it was likely more than an hour.
as usual, i had many thoughts dancing in my head,
but today i was content to just sit and listen
not the typical listening most people say--as in hearing the words, perhaps even muttering an agreement, but not quite remembering how they all fit together--
but actually listening to her and thinking about the words i was hearing.
the words we spoke cannot be fully described, as they might lose their wonder,
but i left the table in awe.
not at her, not at the words she had chosen
but at the grace of the Lord's work through her...in his deep love and forgiveness...in the way he abundantly provides for every need (and many desires)...in the lessons he teaches and the way he walks us through them...and in the way he heals and sets free.
my feeble attempts to express the thoughts of this afternoon cannot do justice to what the Lord deserves. even if i could write a series of volumes about everything he's done and the promises he's kept, i would never have enough pages. my worn bible is becoming even more dear to me each passing day, and i long for the times i can spend with my Savior, both talking to and listening to him. and the changes he's created in me come with the joy of telling others about his love...his vast, unsearchable, unchanging, sweet love.
for now, though, as i rest my head back down
and wait for the sun's greeting again tomorrow
i'm planning how to make the next day count, as today did,
and looking forward to another cup of tea in a blue china teacup.
peeking through the slits of the curtains.
i secretly smiled as the blanket went back over my head
trying to take advantage of just a little more sleep.
i love the view i share with the window.
partially blocked by a large tree,
separating my room from the neighbor's house,
i can gaze outside at the ever-changing sky
which i have no doubt will be heavenly on rainy afternoons.
downstairs, i am finding that this is a well-worn kitchen
and i am sure that hundreds of people have chatted
and cooked and laughed and cried here over the years.
today as i sat at the table, i felt like a character from a quaint, dusty novel
[the kind that silently sleeps on your grandmother's bookshelf, hiding its breathless adventures].
a bowl of fruit sat quietly in the center of a clean white tablecloth, the open shutters revealed an enchanting garden with the trickling sound of a mini waterfall, vines growing along the trellis were starting to bloom,
and my hands balanced a blue china teacup and saucer.
we sat there and talked for what seemed like ten minutes,
though it was likely more than an hour.
as usual, i had many thoughts dancing in my head,
but today i was content to just sit and listen
not the typical listening most people say--as in hearing the words, perhaps even muttering an agreement, but not quite remembering how they all fit together--
but actually listening to her and thinking about the words i was hearing.
the words we spoke cannot be fully described, as they might lose their wonder,
but i left the table in awe.
not at her, not at the words she had chosen
but at the grace of the Lord's work through her...in his deep love and forgiveness...in the way he abundantly provides for every need (and many desires)...in the lessons he teaches and the way he walks us through them...and in the way he heals and sets free.
my feeble attempts to express the thoughts of this afternoon cannot do justice to what the Lord deserves. even if i could write a series of volumes about everything he's done and the promises he's kept, i would never have enough pages. my worn bible is becoming even more dear to me each passing day, and i long for the times i can spend with my Savior, both talking to and listening to him. and the changes he's created in me come with the joy of telling others about his love...his vast, unsearchable, unchanging, sweet love.
for now, though, as i rest my head back down
and wait for the sun's greeting again tomorrow
i'm planning how to make the next day count, as today did,
and looking forward to another cup of tea in a blue china teacup.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
end of the beginning
the end of the beginning has come.
and now begins the rest of the story,
at least as far as teaching goes.
yesterday was my final day with the kids--
those little 4th and 5th graders who captured my heart.
i fought to hide the wet eyes
as they presented me with a book of letters,
each hand-written,
and laminated "for extra special."
brandon wouldn't let go of a side hug and begged me to stay,
while shuhaila and leslie shyly handed me a bouquet of pink roses.
you'll come back, won't you? they pleaded--
of course i'll come back, i said, and the smiles returned.
teaching is a unique experience.
you feed kids info and skills and strategies for solving problems,
while also taking care of their precious little hearts.
my kids--and too many more out in this dark world--
have experienced so much, even by age ten.
some of them have gone through harder trials than i have,
and they need a teacher who will love them
no matter what happens at home...
someone who will teach them responsibility and courage and honesty,
as well as kindness, love, and patience.
someone to do all of this and so much more--
and to realize that you may be forgotten in the future
as they grow up and walk their own ways of life.
that's a huge pair of shoes to fill.
and small as i am, as much as i have to learn,
i know that this is the path God has set before me.
my heart aches for these little ones
(and yes, 4th and 5th graders are still little)
and for children all over the world
who need someone to love them and care for them
and tell them of He whose love is much greater still.
oh Lord, let me be your servant
as i seek to walk the road of teacher.
H
and now begins the rest of the story,
at least as far as teaching goes.
yesterday was my final day with the kids--
those little 4th and 5th graders who captured my heart.
i fought to hide the wet eyes
as they presented me with a book of letters,
each hand-written,
and laminated "for extra special."
brandon wouldn't let go of a side hug and begged me to stay,
while shuhaila and leslie shyly handed me a bouquet of pink roses.
you'll come back, won't you? they pleaded--
of course i'll come back, i said, and the smiles returned.
teaching is a unique experience.
you feed kids info and skills and strategies for solving problems,
while also taking care of their precious little hearts.
my kids--and too many more out in this dark world--
have experienced so much, even by age ten.
some of them have gone through harder trials than i have,
and they need a teacher who will love them
no matter what happens at home...
someone who will teach them responsibility and courage and honesty,
as well as kindness, love, and patience.
someone to do all of this and so much more--
and to realize that you may be forgotten in the future
as they grow up and walk their own ways of life.
that's a huge pair of shoes to fill.
and small as i am, as much as i have to learn,
i know that this is the path God has set before me.
my heart aches for these little ones
(and yes, 4th and 5th graders are still little)
and for children all over the world
who need someone to love them and care for them
and tell them of He whose love is much greater still.
oh Lord, let me be your servant
as i seek to walk the road of teacher.
H
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
sweet peas
closing my eyes takes me back in time
to grandma's garden
where they grew peacefully against the trellis
sending out a sweet perfume that anyone would succumb to
and now the intoxicating aroma
that fills my head when smelled up close
becomes a dream long-forgotten
unable to repeat or return to
and yet so near.
to grandma's garden
where they grew peacefully against the trellis
sending out a sweet perfume that anyone would succumb to
and now the intoxicating aroma
that fills my head when smelled up close
becomes a dream long-forgotten
unable to repeat or return to
and yet so near.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
single
"no i'm not dating right now"....."yes, i'd love to get married someday"....."well yes, sometimes i feel lonely, but overall i'm very content, thanks".....
in our day and age, it's considered "weird" if you enjoy being single...as if you're not "complete" without a guy, or that you deserve pity, or that "oh don't worry sweetie--your day will come soon." i appreciate those people who try to make me "feel better" about being single, but honestly, i don't appreciate those comments. it's as if they're saying, "once you find a man in your life, you'll be truly happy."
to be frank and honest, that's biblically not true. there are so many people in the world who have been disillusioned by this idea, it's kinda scary sometimes. they're great Christian people who love the Lord dearly, but have this false sense of satisfaction in the dreams of spending their life with that special someone. look, if you can't be content and happy being single (and by that i mean not married---even if you're dating, you're still technically single), you will never find true contentment/happiness. i could go into a big discussion about that idea, but i won't right now...maybe sometime later i will though. the point is that Jesus is who I, as a believer and follower of Him, should be giving up my cross to follow, not another person. this doesn't rule out the fact that God sovereignly and amazingly gave us a desire to love and be with someone of the opposite sex for long-term life commitment. that's a perfectly good desire, for which he wired us. but, too many people are deceived by their own hearts and mistake discontentment for biblical desire. and yes, you have to dig down deep in your heart to find which one is true of you.
well, that's not really what i was planning to write about...sorry. [not like i need to apologize or be talking to a computer anyways, haha]...
what's really been on my heart lately is that as a single young woman, i have incredible opportunities. and you know, right now i am happy and content with that, and i'm serious. i think i've blogged before, i'm not one of those girls who break up with a guy and then have this angry/determined/self-pitying "i'm just going to be single the rest of my life" mentality. no, i'm pretty sure i'll get married someday. but God has been bringing me to a point where he is opening my eyes to all that i have in front of me at this chapter in the book. i have opportunities to go over to families' houses and hang out with them and their kids and not worry about when i have to/should leave. i can make dinners for families or couples in my church who need it on a spur-of the moment basis (something that's harder to coordinate when you're married and have kids). i can pick up my girlfriends who dont have cars and go to the beach or griffith observatory or just have coffee. i can be involved in church and stay all 3 morning services if needed, and come back for missions meetings that go over the time planned for them. i can host people over to my house and help plan bridal showers or baby showers or other events. i can plan curriculum for teaching in another country and make time to be trained and counseled in prep for that.
and i'm loving it. i'm loving being able to do these things and enjoy them. sure, there are moments and days when being single is hard, especially when you've dated in the past and know what it's like. but for 1) i'm so thankful i'm out of the last particular relationship and don't ever want to go back to it, and 2) i'm not here to whine about those days. i'll save that for my close friends, family, and mentors when i need them to speak truth to me and get me back on track with the right focus. really, truly, honestly, i'm finding so much joy in where God has placed me right now. and that ultimately comes--not from my circumstances--but from constant, real communication and relationship with the Lord. there have been times when i've published blog posts that are full of questions and confusion, but i know where my hope is found. there are times when it comes across to the world that i am done and want to give up, but in my heart, i know that God is always with me and wants me to keep fighting the fight and running the race with his help [more like only by his help]--whatever the struggle might be. but right now, he has blessed me with true joy in serving him. i'm not worried about the future because he promises to take care of my needs and direct my steps. and as cliche as it sounds, i can't rush that. what God wants to accomplish in my life, he will do in his timing. and for now, that looks like jumping in full-time to ministry in my church, my workplace, relationships with the people i know, and other areas.
i've been studying philippians at bible study, and i just love chapter 4. there's so much to learn and remind myself of. the whole book is centered around the theme of joy in the Lord (and thankfulness, which is a circular cause and effect of joy). the Lord promises so much good to those who love him (yeah, maybe that doesn't look like the best circumstances but he uses it for his good). and true joy comes when you're content in where God has placed you.
for me, i belong right here. serving at church, working/teaching at school, and pursuing india. i couldnt ask for more.
H
in our day and age, it's considered "weird" if you enjoy being single...as if you're not "complete" without a guy, or that you deserve pity, or that "oh don't worry sweetie--your day will come soon." i appreciate those people who try to make me "feel better" about being single, but honestly, i don't appreciate those comments. it's as if they're saying, "once you find a man in your life, you'll be truly happy."
to be frank and honest, that's biblically not true. there are so many people in the world who have been disillusioned by this idea, it's kinda scary sometimes. they're great Christian people who love the Lord dearly, but have this false sense of satisfaction in the dreams of spending their life with that special someone. look, if you can't be content and happy being single (and by that i mean not married---even if you're dating, you're still technically single), you will never find true contentment/happiness. i could go into a big discussion about that idea, but i won't right now...maybe sometime later i will though. the point is that Jesus is who I, as a believer and follower of Him, should be giving up my cross to follow, not another person. this doesn't rule out the fact that God sovereignly and amazingly gave us a desire to love and be with someone of the opposite sex for long-term life commitment. that's a perfectly good desire, for which he wired us. but, too many people are deceived by their own hearts and mistake discontentment for biblical desire. and yes, you have to dig down deep in your heart to find which one is true of you.
well, that's not really what i was planning to write about...sorry. [not like i need to apologize or be talking to a computer anyways, haha]...
what's really been on my heart lately is that as a single young woman, i have incredible opportunities. and you know, right now i am happy and content with that, and i'm serious. i think i've blogged before, i'm not one of those girls who break up with a guy and then have this angry/determined/self-pitying "i'm just going to be single the rest of my life" mentality. no, i'm pretty sure i'll get married someday. but God has been bringing me to a point where he is opening my eyes to all that i have in front of me at this chapter in the book. i have opportunities to go over to families' houses and hang out with them and their kids and not worry about when i have to/should leave. i can make dinners for families or couples in my church who need it on a spur-of the moment basis (something that's harder to coordinate when you're married and have kids). i can pick up my girlfriends who dont have cars and go to the beach or griffith observatory or just have coffee. i can be involved in church and stay all 3 morning services if needed, and come back for missions meetings that go over the time planned for them. i can host people over to my house and help plan bridal showers or baby showers or other events. i can plan curriculum for teaching in another country and make time to be trained and counseled in prep for that.
and i'm loving it. i'm loving being able to do these things and enjoy them. sure, there are moments and days when being single is hard, especially when you've dated in the past and know what it's like. but for 1) i'm so thankful i'm out of the last particular relationship and don't ever want to go back to it, and 2) i'm not here to whine about those days. i'll save that for my close friends, family, and mentors when i need them to speak truth to me and get me back on track with the right focus. really, truly, honestly, i'm finding so much joy in where God has placed me right now. and that ultimately comes--not from my circumstances--but from constant, real communication and relationship with the Lord. there have been times when i've published blog posts that are full of questions and confusion, but i know where my hope is found. there are times when it comes across to the world that i am done and want to give up, but in my heart, i know that God is always with me and wants me to keep fighting the fight and running the race with his help [more like only by his help]--whatever the struggle might be. but right now, he has blessed me with true joy in serving him. i'm not worried about the future because he promises to take care of my needs and direct my steps. and as cliche as it sounds, i can't rush that. what God wants to accomplish in my life, he will do in his timing. and for now, that looks like jumping in full-time to ministry in my church, my workplace, relationships with the people i know, and other areas.
i've been studying philippians at bible study, and i just love chapter 4. there's so much to learn and remind myself of. the whole book is centered around the theme of joy in the Lord (and thankfulness, which is a circular cause and effect of joy). the Lord promises so much good to those who love him (yeah, maybe that doesn't look like the best circumstances but he uses it for his good). and true joy comes when you're content in where God has placed you.
for me, i belong right here. serving at church, working/teaching at school, and pursuing india. i couldnt ask for more.
H
relentless
can't sleep tonight.
too much on my mind.
perhaps it's because of the rich peppermint mocha or the chocolate-dipped strawberries we all enjoyed and laughed over the past 6 hours.
but i suspect it's more than that.
do you ever get dizzy from all that's swimming around in your head? i'm sure we all do at some point or another. well, tonight is one of those nights.
i'm just amazed at God and how he works things together. sometimes it's those aspects of life that you couldn't predict would happen and that if you could re-do part of your life, you'd leave them out. i've been through my share of that, and i'm sure we all have those areas we'd rather not bring up.
but those are a part of our past, whether we like it or not. you can't change the fact that you wasted certain periods of life, when you could've invested more into them (or into other people), or that you were cheated on, or that you let someone down, or whatever it might be for you. but all of those things were meant to happen and were no surprise for God. and he is truly faithful to help you overcome regret, bitterness, pain, and other feelings from the past, reminding you that "all things work together for the good of those who love him."
and that's why i'm pressing on, relentless.
i'm at a time in my life that i love, despite the wars God has given me to fight. i love teaching and working with the kids at school (though i don't particularly like rising early--something i'm learning to be thankful for ;)...i love my church and the people i've been building relationships with there and the privilege to get involved with singing and working with the music ministry...i love hanging out with the young families in my life and being a "big kid" with the little ones...i love learning from older, more experienced women and sitting under their wisdom...i love having time to cook and bake for my brother and for other families...i love bible study wednesday nights and welcoming new people to help them feel special...i love pursuing india and planning for the next time i'll go back there (whenever that may be).
and as much as i love all those things, i know there's so much more planned that God has in store for how he's going to direct my life. and as strange as it seems, he uses the past to shape the present, and the present to shape the future. this can be intimidating and overwhelming at times, but the flip side is a perfectly-designed future in Christ. and i'm going at it head-on. i've always been a go-getter, an all-or-nothing person, a shoot-for-the-moon, give-it-all-you-got girl. well, sometimes those ideals aren't so realistic, but they're worth the shot, aren't they? because who knows--you might end up making that shot. and you'll never know until you try.
i don't know what God holds for the future, whether i live only 6 more days or 60 more days. but i'm banking on the promise that God will use each event in my life (painful or joyful) and turn it into something beautiful for himself. so who am i to question? who am i to decline participation? sure i might not have all the answers, but i'm going to be content in the fact that he does. no is not an option. and as long as he's giving me another breath, and another, and another...i'm gonna run for him,
relentless.
H
too much on my mind.
perhaps it's because of the rich peppermint mocha or the chocolate-dipped strawberries we all enjoyed and laughed over the past 6 hours.
but i suspect it's more than that.
do you ever get dizzy from all that's swimming around in your head? i'm sure we all do at some point or another. well, tonight is one of those nights.
i'm just amazed at God and how he works things together. sometimes it's those aspects of life that you couldn't predict would happen and that if you could re-do part of your life, you'd leave them out. i've been through my share of that, and i'm sure we all have those areas we'd rather not bring up.
but those are a part of our past, whether we like it or not. you can't change the fact that you wasted certain periods of life, when you could've invested more into them (or into other people), or that you were cheated on, or that you let someone down, or whatever it might be for you. but all of those things were meant to happen and were no surprise for God. and he is truly faithful to help you overcome regret, bitterness, pain, and other feelings from the past, reminding you that "all things work together for the good of those who love him."
and that's why i'm pressing on, relentless.
i'm at a time in my life that i love, despite the wars God has given me to fight. i love teaching and working with the kids at school (though i don't particularly like rising early--something i'm learning to be thankful for ;)...i love my church and the people i've been building relationships with there and the privilege to get involved with singing and working with the music ministry...i love hanging out with the young families in my life and being a "big kid" with the little ones...i love learning from older, more experienced women and sitting under their wisdom...i love having time to cook and bake for my brother and for other families...i love bible study wednesday nights and welcoming new people to help them feel special...i love pursuing india and planning for the next time i'll go back there (whenever that may be).
and as much as i love all those things, i know there's so much more planned that God has in store for how he's going to direct my life. and as strange as it seems, he uses the past to shape the present, and the present to shape the future. this can be intimidating and overwhelming at times, but the flip side is a perfectly-designed future in Christ. and i'm going at it head-on. i've always been a go-getter, an all-or-nothing person, a shoot-for-the-moon, give-it-all-you-got girl. well, sometimes those ideals aren't so realistic, but they're worth the shot, aren't they? because who knows--you might end up making that shot. and you'll never know until you try.
i don't know what God holds for the future, whether i live only 6 more days or 60 more days. but i'm banking on the promise that God will use each event in my life (painful or joyful) and turn it into something beautiful for himself. so who am i to question? who am i to decline participation? sure i might not have all the answers, but i'm going to be content in the fact that he does. no is not an option. and as long as he's giving me another breath, and another, and another...i'm gonna run for him,
relentless.
H
Thursday, April 15, 2010
no answers
does anyone care? does anyone see? am i too weak? is it my fault? what's going on? why does it have to be this way? why can't i fight it? does prayer even work? what's wrong with me? why can't i drive into a lamppost and alleviate the pain? would they care? it is worth it? why did that happen? am i being unreasonable? what am i supposed to do? does He care? am i blind? is anyone out there? will it ever end? what can i do to make it end? why did it ever have to start in the first place? will i ever change? why is this happening? where can i hide from it all? why me? what does it have to do with the future? why can't i tell the truth? will they ever see? what's going to happen? will i ever learn? does it even exist? will i always be alone in this? why?
Monday, April 12, 2010
to make a difference
sometimes i let myself start counting down
5 weeks left of lesson plans and 4th-5th grade
until i move on to bigger and better things...
not that that's wrong in and of itself, but i'm letting myself "quit." i'm pretty much saying, "this is all i have to do before then and i'll be free," when i should be saying "i only have this much time left in this particular place to make a difference--an opportunity i will never have again in the way i do now." and so, i'm going to fight that feeling of wanting to "just make it through." i have vowed to not let these weeks become a source of complaining (which is, of course, filthy sin in Jesus' eyes), but instead to commit each one of them to the Lord in the mornings when i wake up. and not just the week days when i need physical strength to get out of bed and stumble off to my classroom, but also on the weekends when i feel that i "deserve" a break...yes, saturday and sunday mornings too will be given to the Lord (i never remember Him saying anything about us "deserving" a chance to be selfish or to cop out on obeying him...okay, well at least that's how i often act on the weekends). and dont be afraid to call me out if start whining on facebook about all the stuff i have to do. there's a difference between having stuff to do and whining about it, trying to outdo your friends in how intense your own load is.
along those lines, i've been pondering the idea of discipline lately. not only discipline to keep from complaining and instead speaking uplifting words, but also discipline in the sense of sticking-it-out. not giving up when things are on the rough side...or even if they're on the smooth side but you want to coast through and not put a lot of effort into what you're doing. yeah....well, God's been reminding me this past week that i am creating lessons for Him. i'm teaching my kiddos for Him. i'm writing units and state papers for Him. i'm making popsicle-stick covered wagons for Him. and that means not leaving a job half-finished. or deciding which assignments i will do or wont do. after all, how can i expect that the "next thing" or the thing that i want to do will satisfy me, if i'm not content where i am right now? and these are the times that we often look back at and regret having wasted with our own self-absorbed thoughts and dreams...
okay now i kinda sense i'm rambling...anyways, my point is that i'm going to live out these weeks as if they were my last ones to live...as if i'm going to get hit by a car on may 19th and be killed. and that means--i'm going to make the most of them and start trying to change the world, one day at a time. sure, maybe i wont accomplish that....
but it's worth a try.
5 weeks left of lesson plans and 4th-5th grade
until i move on to bigger and better things...
not that that's wrong in and of itself, but i'm letting myself "quit." i'm pretty much saying, "this is all i have to do before then and i'll be free," when i should be saying "i only have this much time left in this particular place to make a difference--an opportunity i will never have again in the way i do now." and so, i'm going to fight that feeling of wanting to "just make it through." i have vowed to not let these weeks become a source of complaining (which is, of course, filthy sin in Jesus' eyes), but instead to commit each one of them to the Lord in the mornings when i wake up. and not just the week days when i need physical strength to get out of bed and stumble off to my classroom, but also on the weekends when i feel that i "deserve" a break...yes, saturday and sunday mornings too will be given to the Lord (i never remember Him saying anything about us "deserving" a chance to be selfish or to cop out on obeying him...okay, well at least that's how i often act on the weekends). and dont be afraid to call me out if start whining on facebook about all the stuff i have to do. there's a difference between having stuff to do and whining about it, trying to outdo your friends in how intense your own load is.
along those lines, i've been pondering the idea of discipline lately. not only discipline to keep from complaining and instead speaking uplifting words, but also discipline in the sense of sticking-it-out. not giving up when things are on the rough side...or even if they're on the smooth side but you want to coast through and not put a lot of effort into what you're doing. yeah....well, God's been reminding me this past week that i am creating lessons for Him. i'm teaching my kiddos for Him. i'm writing units and state papers for Him. i'm making popsicle-stick covered wagons for Him. and that means not leaving a job half-finished. or deciding which assignments i will do or wont do. after all, how can i expect that the "next thing" or the thing that i want to do will satisfy me, if i'm not content where i am right now? and these are the times that we often look back at and regret having wasted with our own self-absorbed thoughts and dreams...
okay now i kinda sense i'm rambling...anyways, my point is that i'm going to live out these weeks as if they were my last ones to live...as if i'm going to get hit by a car on may 19th and be killed. and that means--i'm going to make the most of them and start trying to change the world, one day at a time. sure, maybe i wont accomplish that....
but it's worth a try.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
am i a hypocrite?
do you ever feel sometimes that you're just not doing things right? or that you're "happy" to serve God but you dont quite know why, and you know that you should know, or you know why you should but you're just not "feeling" it? do you ever feel pretty good about how you're doing, only to realize that you've got sin all over your life and other people probably see it, but you've been just to proud to even look for it? or even worse, you know something's not quite been right, but you really dont want to look deeper? do you ever have a passion to do something for the Lord, but then start worrying or thinking of your own ways to do it, insisting to God that you know what you're doing and he doesn't? do you ever get so overwhelmed in the many areas of your life that need change, that you just want to quit and not even try? ever go back and forth between sobbing to God of your wretchedness before his gaze and determinedly--almost angrily--trying to fight back on your own?
kinda makes you realize how weak and vulnerable you are. kinda makes you cry seeing how futile of a life you're living on your own. kinda reminds you that you're trying to get to heaven based on your actions. and that can make you fall into more depression because you look up and seee the huge hole you've fallen in, and which keeps getting deeper.
oh Lord, remind me what your grace means. remind me that i am weak and frail, but that it should cause me to cling even tighter to you, not push you away and try to get better on my own before coming to you. that i can't get out of the hole without your help reaching down to me. break the pride i have in even asking for your help. remind me that i don't need anything in this world except for you, no matter how tempting and alluring it seems. and please, Father, let me wake up refreshed tomorrow to love and serve you. remind me, even through tiredness and busyness, that you are the only way to a fulfilling, satisfied life.
H
kinda makes you realize how weak and vulnerable you are. kinda makes you cry seeing how futile of a life you're living on your own. kinda reminds you that you're trying to get to heaven based on your actions. and that can make you fall into more depression because you look up and seee the huge hole you've fallen in, and which keeps getting deeper.
oh Lord, remind me what your grace means. remind me that i am weak and frail, but that it should cause me to cling even tighter to you, not push you away and try to get better on my own before coming to you. that i can't get out of the hole without your help reaching down to me. break the pride i have in even asking for your help. remind me that i don't need anything in this world except for you, no matter how tempting and alluring it seems. and please, Father, let me wake up refreshed tomorrow to love and serve you. remind me, even through tiredness and busyness, that you are the only way to a fulfilling, satisfied life.
H
Monday, March 29, 2010
fight
it is slowly subsiding
but the war is not over
i will not win until i die
but there is peace in fighting the battle
because i know Who's side i stand for--
there is victory on the far horizon.
H
but the war is not over
i will not win until i die
but there is peace in fighting the battle
because i know Who's side i stand for--
there is victory on the far horizon.
H
Sunday, March 28, 2010
scream
i cannot explain it
yet another night it tortures me
with piercing looks and relentless words
pouring into my soul
when will i escape this haunting burden
that suffocates my bleeding heart
and tries to choke me
no concern for feelings or emotions
it presses forward
pressing down, harder
i am being crushed and overwhelmed
to the point that i can bear it no longer
save me, o God, i pray
for my nights are restless
my dreams become nightmares
and the joy i love is being stifled
i am fighting one of the hardest and scariest wars yet that i have encountered, but i know this is only the beginning, if what i long for comes true.
H
yet another night it tortures me
with piercing looks and relentless words
pouring into my soul
when will i escape this haunting burden
that suffocates my bleeding heart
and tries to choke me
no concern for feelings or emotions
it presses forward
pressing down, harder
i am being crushed and overwhelmed
to the point that i can bear it no longer
save me, o God, i pray
for my nights are restless
my dreams become nightmares
and the joy i love is being stifled
i am fighting one of the hardest and scariest wars yet that i have encountered, but i know this is only the beginning, if what i long for comes true.
H
Saturday, March 27, 2010
10:36pm
it's broken, yet complete
it's hurting, yet at peace
it's confused, yet content
it's awful, yet beautiful
sometimes, there are groanings too deep for words. and when these come, i cannot give an answer that would please the human mind of reason and rationale. i can only let the tears run down, and turn over again and again--pleading, begging, weeping for so many things that occupy my feeble soul. i have died over and over, and yet it must be. no, it may not be what you think, because even i have no explanation. i have no descriptions for the turmoil inside--physically, spiritually, emotionally. every angle i am attacked, yet there is great comfort. why is this? my desperate heart clings to what i know is true, and cries out for answers to the unknown.
but i am not undone. i have promises, and to these i will run, escape, and hide.
and here,
there are no more words left.
it's hurting, yet at peace
it's confused, yet content
it's awful, yet beautiful
sometimes, there are groanings too deep for words. and when these come, i cannot give an answer that would please the human mind of reason and rationale. i can only let the tears run down, and turn over again and again--pleading, begging, weeping for so many things that occupy my feeble soul. i have died over and over, and yet it must be. no, it may not be what you think, because even i have no explanation. i have no descriptions for the turmoil inside--physically, spiritually, emotionally. every angle i am attacked, yet there is great comfort. why is this? my desperate heart clings to what i know is true, and cries out for answers to the unknown.
but i am not undone. i have promises, and to these i will run, escape, and hide.
and here,
there are no more words left.
run, go, push
He is good, He is enough, He is wise, He is loving.....
again, my theme verse for 2010.
now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, hope, and love with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. [2 Tim 2:22]
i don't understand....i just don't...
run, harder, faster, longer, stronger, go, go, go, push, push, push
H
again, my theme verse for 2010.
now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, hope, and love with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. [2 Tim 2:22]
i don't understand....i just don't...
run, harder, faster, longer, stronger, go, go, go, push, push, push
H
Sunday, March 14, 2010
realization of love
it's as if i've just had a revelation, though i know it's something i've heard so many times before.
this world was made by GOD.
it was made for GOD.
it was made through GOD'S design and plan.
it was made in GOD'S wisdom and creativity.
it belongs to GOD.
therefore, how can we live for ourselves? how can we think that everything revolves around us and our little problems? true, the Lord cares about each sparrow that falls to the ground, as well as everything that goes on in our lives, but the point of everything--yes, everything--is to reflect GOD. and we as human beings are the only creatures who do not perfectly obey Christ. all created nature and animals obey him, but we selfish beings live for our own benefit, not that of the One who made us and keeps us alive each day.
our response?
to love him. to adore each precious time we spend with him, whether that's reading and studying his letters to us or talking to him in prayer, or just living life with him. and how can we not tell others of the love he gives to us?! we who turn away from him, we who shun him and close the door when he knocks--we are loved and cherished by him!
what does this all mean, and why am i bringing it up? well, because i decided i'm going back to india. and yes i want to teach English, yes i want to do kids' camps, yes i want to experience the culture and get to know the people. but what good is all that--what good is any of it--if i dont tell them of the love of Christ Jesus? so they'll know English, who cares? what about their souls? i've been thinking a lot about this recently, and it doesn't matter to me anymore where exactly i end up over there, or if i'll be in a school teaching English, or whether i work with kids or adults. the only thing that matters to me is that i get the opportunities to tell others about Jesus--the one, true way for salvation. everything else comes after that. because if i'm bent on teaching English, i'll lose the big picture, that GOD who made me and owns my life is calling me (there is no option for saying "no thanks") to tell others that He is alive and that He is the only one who can save us from going to hell.
you know those days, when you realize something (often for the 30th time) and it just excites you?
yep....that's today.
H
this world was made by GOD.
it was made for GOD.
it was made through GOD'S design and plan.
it was made in GOD'S wisdom and creativity.
it belongs to GOD.
therefore, how can we live for ourselves? how can we think that everything revolves around us and our little problems? true, the Lord cares about each sparrow that falls to the ground, as well as everything that goes on in our lives, but the point of everything--yes, everything--is to reflect GOD. and we as human beings are the only creatures who do not perfectly obey Christ. all created nature and animals obey him, but we selfish beings live for our own benefit, not that of the One who made us and keeps us alive each day.
our response?
to love him. to adore each precious time we spend with him, whether that's reading and studying his letters to us or talking to him in prayer, or just living life with him. and how can we not tell others of the love he gives to us?! we who turn away from him, we who shun him and close the door when he knocks--we are loved and cherished by him!
what does this all mean, and why am i bringing it up? well, because i decided i'm going back to india. and yes i want to teach English, yes i want to do kids' camps, yes i want to experience the culture and get to know the people. but what good is all that--what good is any of it--if i dont tell them of the love of Christ Jesus? so they'll know English, who cares? what about their souls? i've been thinking a lot about this recently, and it doesn't matter to me anymore where exactly i end up over there, or if i'll be in a school teaching English, or whether i work with kids or adults. the only thing that matters to me is that i get the opportunities to tell others about Jesus--the one, true way for salvation. everything else comes after that. because if i'm bent on teaching English, i'll lose the big picture, that GOD who made me and owns my life is calling me (there is no option for saying "no thanks") to tell others that He is alive and that He is the only one who can save us from going to hell.
you know those days, when you realize something (often for the 30th time) and it just excites you?
yep....that's today.
H
Saturday, March 13, 2010
upside down
oh india, my india,
i dont know what to write.
i've tried and started several times
but cant seem to get the words out
who are you?
and what are you like?
will you teach me?
will i see you soon?
my mind has been racing these past few days
and there's so much to surrender
give up
realizing that there's so much more out there
that's more worth it
sometimes you seem a million miles away
and other days you're on the front door step
waiting for me to open
and step out
there are times when my heart pounds
and i fear the future
even our next meeting
but there are other moments
[more often i admit]
when it excites me beyond comprehesible words
and i'm overwhelmed with joy at the thought of what will come
but will it come?
or am i deluding myself?
will i have to wait or will it be soon?
i'm so full of questions
and the answers are so confusing to me
i dont understand which way to go
or how to get where i long to be
but one answer is true, one answer is simple
the Lord will guide me one day at a time
and where he leads, when he leads,
i will follow.
H
i dont know what to write.
i've tried and started several times
but cant seem to get the words out
who are you?
and what are you like?
will you teach me?
will i see you soon?
my mind has been racing these past few days
and there's so much to surrender
give up
realizing that there's so much more out there
that's more worth it
sometimes you seem a million miles away
and other days you're on the front door step
waiting for me to open
and step out
there are times when my heart pounds
and i fear the future
even our next meeting
but there are other moments
[more often i admit]
when it excites me beyond comprehesible words
and i'm overwhelmed with joy at the thought of what will come
but will it come?
or am i deluding myself?
will i have to wait or will it be soon?
i'm so full of questions
and the answers are so confusing to me
i dont understand which way to go
or how to get where i long to be
but one answer is true, one answer is simple
the Lord will guide me one day at a time
and where he leads, when he leads,
i will follow.
H
Sunday, March 7, 2010
three-seven-twenty-ten
two girls stand, looking in the mirror.
the first wears a dress and heels, and a string of pearls graces her neck. her hair is smoothly pinned up with the elegant air of sophistication. the bright eyes sparkle as she walks down the street at night, invigorated by the city lights and soft jazz music coming from a nearby coffee shop. she laughs at the world, taking in the moment and holding in her heart, sipping a latte.
the second wears worn jeans and a black t-shirt, with converse and bracelets. her hair is straight and chopped, and she keeps one knee bent, foot on the seat as she drives to the beach. there, the salty wind blows but she doesnt care. she, too, grabs a latte and heads to the edge of the pier where she sits and dangles her feet off the side. she, too, laughs at the world and hides her secrets.
but today, neither of these is present. today she's half of each, with soft curls and a hoodie, and a heart that's longing for adventure and thrill. today it's wishing for an airline ticket. yes, today it's the reminder that true beauty is from within, not from the sometimes-airbrushed, sometimes-cracked mirror. today it's being content with whoever's looking back out. but she's still going to laugh and sip that coffee, undaunted and determined.
H
the first wears a dress and heels, and a string of pearls graces her neck. her hair is smoothly pinned up with the elegant air of sophistication. the bright eyes sparkle as she walks down the street at night, invigorated by the city lights and soft jazz music coming from a nearby coffee shop. she laughs at the world, taking in the moment and holding in her heart, sipping a latte.
the second wears worn jeans and a black t-shirt, with converse and bracelets. her hair is straight and chopped, and she keeps one knee bent, foot on the seat as she drives to the beach. there, the salty wind blows but she doesnt care. she, too, grabs a latte and heads to the edge of the pier where she sits and dangles her feet off the side. she, too, laughs at the world and hides her secrets.
but today, neither of these is present. today she's half of each, with soft curls and a hoodie, and a heart that's longing for adventure and thrill. today it's wishing for an airline ticket. yes, today it's the reminder that true beauty is from within, not from the sometimes-airbrushed, sometimes-cracked mirror. today it's being content with whoever's looking back out. but she's still going to laugh and sip that coffee, undaunted and determined.
H
Saturday, March 6, 2010
raindrops
they fall to the ground
steady and smooth
creating a beautiful partition
between the world and i
those drops of wonder
of love and quiet beauty
that sparkle one moment
and hide away the next
with the entrance of the sun
and her golden rays
and i kneel by the glass-paned window
holding my breath
watching and waiting
for the magic to begin again
and draw me into itself
i'll join the drops
beating down upon my hair
and no concern will stop me
as i dance the rhythm of wet eyelashes
shining like silver shoes
with a soft unabashed smile.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
goodbye 2nd grade
one more day with my little ones in room 23. boy i sure am going to miss this group, such sweet little ones, though they can have their moments. :) and i'll miss the talks with mrs. w---. i have learned much from her example. thank you Lord for the last 8 weeks and all that you have taught me. continue to train me to look more like you.
H
H
Saturday, February 27, 2010
safe amidst the storms
they come again
those hot tears
only a few, as i try to push them away
for they come with the memories
the hurt, the pain
i dont want any of this anymore
God take it away from me!
you have done so much already
and you are so good to me, sweet Jesus
i will find my rest and safety in your arms
wrapped tightly and hidden from the pain of this dark world
let me not see what has past
nor long for what is yet to be
but breath deeply in what you have given me this day
this hour, this moment
let my thoughts be only on your great love
and let my only desire in life be to look more like you
as each new day opens.
H
those hot tears
only a few, as i try to push them away
for they come with the memories
the hurt, the pain
i dont want any of this anymore
God take it away from me!
you have done so much already
and you are so good to me, sweet Jesus
i will find my rest and safety in your arms
wrapped tightly and hidden from the pain of this dark world
let me not see what has past
nor long for what is yet to be
but breath deeply in what you have given me this day
this hour, this moment
let my thoughts be only on your great love
and let my only desire in life be to look more like you
as each new day opens.
H
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
wonderful tonight
[michael buble]
It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."
I feel wonderful tonight
I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
And then I tell her as I turn off the lights
Darling, I say my darling, you look wonderful tonight
I say my darling you were wonderful tonight
It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."
I feel wonderful tonight
I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
And then I tell her as I turn off the lights
Darling, I say my darling, you look wonderful tonight
I say my darling you were wonderful tonight
Monday, February 15, 2010
the best love story
by John L. Davies
God--the greatest lover
so loved--the greatest degree
the world--the greatest company
that He gave--the greatest act
His one and only Son--the greatest gift
that whoever--the greatest opportunity
believes--the greatest simplicity
in Him--the greatest attraction
should not perish--the greatest promise
but--the greatest difference
have--the greatest certainty
everlasting life--the greatest possession.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
God--the greatest lover
so loved--the greatest degree
the world--the greatest company
that He gave--the greatest act
His one and only Son--the greatest gift
that whoever--the greatest opportunity
believes--the greatest simplicity
in Him--the greatest attraction
should not perish--the greatest promise
but--the greatest difference
have--the greatest certainty
everlasting life--the greatest possession.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
Saturday, February 13, 2010
tell me when
she's sittin' on the floor with her eyes on the door
doesn't understand, but wishin' there was more
let the hair come down, let 'em skip the sleepy town
where the river runs free, without makin' a sound
where the stars shine bright, takes their breath away, that sight
lookin' down, lookin' out, oh it makes them wanna shout
and he's starin' in her eyes, but it's real, it's no surprise
and the sun is gonna rise in her eyes, no disguise
then the real world hits hard, he's comin' from afar
she's a broken glass tattered, shattered like a shard
he hasn't come home, little longer left to roam
dryin' dishes, wastin' wishes, no more paris and rome
but what's that she hears, is it music in her ears
oh so quietly their song and it dries her tears and fears
she races to the clock but the tick-tick-tock
has stopped
and she drops
to ground
she is locked
to the floor
to the door
counting
down
to
the
knock...
doesn't understand, but wishin' there was more
let the hair come down, let 'em skip the sleepy town
where the river runs free, without makin' a sound
where the stars shine bright, takes their breath away, that sight
lookin' down, lookin' out, oh it makes them wanna shout
and he's starin' in her eyes, but it's real, it's no surprise
and the sun is gonna rise in her eyes, no disguise
then the real world hits hard, he's comin' from afar
she's a broken glass tattered, shattered like a shard
he hasn't come home, little longer left to roam
dryin' dishes, wastin' wishes, no more paris and rome
but what's that she hears, is it music in her ears
oh so quietly their song and it dries her tears and fears
she races to the clock but the tick-tick-tock
has stopped
and she drops
to ground
she is locked
to the floor
to the door
counting
down
to
the
knock...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
the teacher
she waves goodbye as the last student leaves the room
excited to show mom and dad what they made or did today,
but inside the busy room
she has much to do
much to think about.
what makes a teacher? she wonders
is it the countless hours planning lessons,
making photocopies,
gathering more butcher paper for another chart or song,
grading sums and differences of little fingers?
is it being an actress for them,
goofing off and making physical science interesting?
is it being perhaps the only encouragement they hear,
the gentle backscratch of "good job,"
the warm smile of "i care about you, sweetie"?
is it the glaring look at times,
the consequences of missing recess for not following rules,
role-playing how to respond more respectfully,
and talking of teamwork...again?
is it the sore throat at 2:15pm,
the throbbing headache from bending down
and explaining directions for the 4th time,
the constant dosage of Emergen-C?
is it the tears at home,
the "i can't do this" 's
the fear and feeling of failure,
and periods of wanting to quit?
yes. it's all of these, and so much more.
and it's overwhelming at times,
it's exhausting at times,
quite humbling at times,
but this is her calling
and she's charging forward, determined.
H
excited to show mom and dad what they made or did today,
but inside the busy room
she has much to do
much to think about.
what makes a teacher? she wonders
is it the countless hours planning lessons,
making photocopies,
gathering more butcher paper for another chart or song,
grading sums and differences of little fingers?
is it being an actress for them,
goofing off and making physical science interesting?
is it being perhaps the only encouragement they hear,
the gentle backscratch of "good job,"
the warm smile of "i care about you, sweetie"?
is it the glaring look at times,
the consequences of missing recess for not following rules,
role-playing how to respond more respectfully,
and talking of teamwork...again?
is it the sore throat at 2:15pm,
the throbbing headache from bending down
and explaining directions for the 4th time,
the constant dosage of Emergen-C?
is it the tears at home,
the "i can't do this" 's
the fear and feeling of failure,
and periods of wanting to quit?
yes. it's all of these, and so much more.
and it's overwhelming at times,
it's exhausting at times,
quite humbling at times,
but this is her calling
and she's charging forward, determined.
H
Saturday, February 6, 2010
crazy
itching to run, to get out and go
far or near, my mind doesnt know
wanna drive, wanna fly
wanna touch that bright sky
i'm crazy inside, feelin' the rush
it's one of those days i cant stop the blush
oh why cant i get out, drive to the beach
the thrilling is killing me just past my reach
but no i'll subdue it, i'll keep it all in
and wait for a day to let it begin...
H
far or near, my mind doesnt know
wanna drive, wanna fly
wanna touch that bright sky
i'm crazy inside, feelin' the rush
it's one of those days i cant stop the blush
oh why cant i get out, drive to the beach
the thrilling is killing me just past my reach
but no i'll subdue it, i'll keep it all in
and wait for a day to let it begin...
H
prayer
rainy saturday morning
wonderful time of prayer at church
even in that short 2 hours
i am changed.
Lord, make me different that who i have been.
H
wonderful time of prayer at church
even in that short 2 hours
i am changed.
Lord, make me different that who i have been.
H
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
reminisces
today i went to disneyland, my own 2nd grade classroom, a potato chip factory, mom's food pantry at the old house, ballet classes, and amy's house with hot apple pies.
i think your nose is a really funny thing. God sure has a sense of humor sometimes. :)
i think your nose is a really funny thing. God sure has a sense of humor sometimes. :)
Saturday, January 23, 2010
whatta day
head racing, heart pounding
the snow-topped mountains with bright stars overhead
couldnt have been more beautiful tonight
as we drove, drove, drove
into the night
couldnt stop that smiling
or that jump jump jumping
how perfect and wonderful
it all is.
H
the snow-topped mountains with bright stars overhead
couldnt have been more beautiful tonight
as we drove, drove, drove
into the night
couldnt stop that smiling
or that jump jump jumping
how perfect and wonderful
it all is.
H
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
rainy days
thinking tonight about the rain
and how i love it oh so much.
yesterday
there were three little sparrows
laughing and flirting with the rain
while hiding on a ledge
under the eaves of a neighbor's roof.
so happy and content they were,
no doubt daring each other to play games
but huddling when it suddenly poured again
twittering and chirping,
singing and smiling.
one of my favorite things to do
on days such as these
is pour a steaming cup of tea or coffee
crawl under a warm blanket
let pandora run (love the soft violins)
and travel into a good book--
as if i was having tea with an old friend.
it's during these days
i hear so many complaints about the weather
so many "i-wish-i-had-it-my-way"s
but me
well,
i love that rain.
and how i love it oh so much.
yesterday
there were three little sparrows
laughing and flirting with the rain
while hiding on a ledge
under the eaves of a neighbor's roof.
so happy and content they were,
no doubt daring each other to play games
but huddling when it suddenly poured again
twittering and chirping,
singing and smiling.
one of my favorite things to do
on days such as these
is pour a steaming cup of tea or coffee
crawl under a warm blanket
let pandora run (love the soft violins)
and travel into a good book--
as if i was having tea with an old friend.
it's during these days
i hear so many complaints about the weather
so many "i-wish-i-had-it-my-way"s
but me
well,
i love that rain.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
shakin' her head
God, i dont know how you do it
sometimes you just amaze me
and i have to stop
and just say "did that really happen?"
sometimes i look out the window at the crack of dawn
and my breath is drained
because of the beautiful colors
you make
in the sky.
sometimes i have to shrug my shoulders
and say "it's only you, Lord"
because there's no other explanation--
none.
sometimes i wonder how you turn things around
so that what i thought was impossible
or what i had dreaded
somehow suddenly makes sense.
and for those times when my faith is weak--
oh too many times, i fear--
show me up again, God.
remind me
that you know what you're doing,
because i know you do,
i just forget.
keep me faithful in the daily,
fixed on the eternal,
and fascinated by you
always.
H
sometimes you just amaze me
and i have to stop
and just say "did that really happen?"
sometimes i look out the window at the crack of dawn
and my breath is drained
because of the beautiful colors
you make
in the sky.
sometimes i have to shrug my shoulders
and say "it's only you, Lord"
because there's no other explanation--
none.
sometimes i wonder how you turn things around
so that what i thought was impossible
or what i had dreaded
somehow suddenly makes sense.
and for those times when my faith is weak--
oh too many times, i fear--
show me up again, God.
remind me
that you know what you're doing,
because i know you do,
i just forget.
keep me faithful in the daily,
fixed on the eternal,
and fascinated by you
always.
H
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
thank you
Jesus--for waking me up this morning and for the gorgeous sunrise
T.B.--for your humble attitude to my email & always being there
J.S.--for always being willing to chat
R.W.--for your kind way of teaching me
A.W.--for your sweet texts
C.O.--for always supporting and loving me
L.T.--for reminding me to laugh & letting me cry
G.H.--for walking me through biblical processes of change
T.M.--for your young wisdom and genuine prayers
D.O.--for your patience and encouragement
N.W.--for your example of simple faith in the Lord
G.O.--for your godly example of leadership
M.E.--for having coffee and chatting today
J.A.--for connecting with me on your level
A.M.--for letting me play and be silly with you
A.M.--for your infectious little smile
Jesus--for your tender lovingkindness and faithfulness, and for just being you.
T.B.--for your humble attitude to my email & always being there
J.S.--for always being willing to chat
R.W.--for your kind way of teaching me
A.W.--for your sweet texts
C.O.--for always supporting and loving me
L.T.--for reminding me to laugh & letting me cry
G.H.--for walking me through biblical processes of change
T.M.--for your young wisdom and genuine prayers
D.O.--for your patience and encouragement
N.W.--for your example of simple faith in the Lord
G.O.--for your godly example of leadership
M.E.--for having coffee and chatting today
J.A.--for connecting with me on your level
A.M.--for letting me play and be silly with you
A.M.--for your infectious little smile
Jesus--for your tender lovingkindness and faithfulness, and for just being you.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
teaching, working, trusting
so yesterday i had a meltdown. i didnt know what in the world i was doing trying to become a teacher, i was sick of job possibilities falling through, and i wanted to quit eveything. i bawled to my best friend, and again today to my sister-in-law about how i'm a failure and dont wanna try anymore and how this is just isnt my thing.
[leanne gave me a hug and somehow managed to turn it into a funny laughing situation--she has such a talent for that! amy suggested hiding in a closet with a paper bag over my head and even offered to provide the bag...how thoughtful!] ;)
the point is, i've been a self-pitying scaredy-cat and letting the sin of anxiety and worry rule me. i havent been grateful for the many blessings i have, such as the opportunity to get a solid education and even the chance to learn how to become a teacher. i've been looking at things from the wrong angle. i've unknowingly let myself be driven by the extrinsic goals of getting a teaching credential, finding a job, and making money. true, these are good things to strive towards, but they should not be my life goals (even if they're only short-term). no, instead i should be motivated intrisincally, wanting to use the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and use them to increase His reputation. God was the one who gave me a love for children and for working with them. God was the one who blessed me with an ability to communicate with kids and be energetic and creative with them. God was the one who helped me write those lesson plans and who helped me improve what needed fixing. and he is the one i should be thinking about in all of this. not myself. who am i to decide whether i will use his gift or not? somehow i mix up our roles far too often and far too easily.
instead of complaining about how i dont want to teach, or how i am nervous and scared of what will happen (which, anyone feels when they're taking risks), i should be confident that the Lord will teach me something. it will probably be something completely different from what i'm expecting--as he is prone to doing--but it is always something i need to learn, and which he deems best for me. and anything worth doing has risks involved. consider teaching--does the benefit of knowing i did my best before Christ to train these little ones outweigh the fear i may have inside me..(the fear that every good teacher faces as they start out)? heck yes it does. no, it doesnt take away that fear, but it puts it into perspective a little more. and what is fear really? it is doubting that what God has is good. it's doubting that his plans are perfect and blameless and that he is in control. it's trying to take charge of the situation.
that leads to my next area of struggle--a job. for those of you who read this, some of you know i've been looking [again] for work, as both my part-time jobs ended in december. it's really discouraging being led to believe a company will hire, only to be let down again and again. or to just be told "no, sorry we're not hiring right now....but you can put in an application anyways...." oh great thanks, well that's really helpful now isnt it. but you know, i've been negative and selfish about that as well. i've been looking for what i want out of this, not trying to find the Lord's will or even just trying to discover what he wants me to learn through this tedious process. i've been trying to take over and tell God what's good for me, when he keeps saying, "no heather--what i have is even better."
gosh i just love him so much! even through my feeble attempts to take control and turn away from him or the times when i allow pride and selfishness and pity to characterize how i go about the day and interact with people....even through all that, he is so full of forgiveness and patience and love. and he reminds me faithfully every day that he is there, waiting for me to surrender to him. waiting for me to realize that it doesnt matter if a find a job or not--he will provide. somehow, someday, in some way, he will provide for my needs [not wants]. and what a comforting thought that is, because he knows them better than i do.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 says,
"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, through the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,
yet i will exult in the LORD, i will rejoice in the God of my salvation. the Lord GOD is my strength, and he has made my feet like hind's feet, and makes me walk on high places."
H
[leanne gave me a hug and somehow managed to turn it into a funny laughing situation--she has such a talent for that! amy suggested hiding in a closet with a paper bag over my head and even offered to provide the bag...how thoughtful!] ;)
the point is, i've been a self-pitying scaredy-cat and letting the sin of anxiety and worry rule me. i havent been grateful for the many blessings i have, such as the opportunity to get a solid education and even the chance to learn how to become a teacher. i've been looking at things from the wrong angle. i've unknowingly let myself be driven by the extrinsic goals of getting a teaching credential, finding a job, and making money. true, these are good things to strive towards, but they should not be my life goals (even if they're only short-term). no, instead i should be motivated intrisincally, wanting to use the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and use them to increase His reputation. God was the one who gave me a love for children and for working with them. God was the one who blessed me with an ability to communicate with kids and be energetic and creative with them. God was the one who helped me write those lesson plans and who helped me improve what needed fixing. and he is the one i should be thinking about in all of this. not myself. who am i to decide whether i will use his gift or not? somehow i mix up our roles far too often and far too easily.
instead of complaining about how i dont want to teach, or how i am nervous and scared of what will happen (which, anyone feels when they're taking risks), i should be confident that the Lord will teach me something. it will probably be something completely different from what i'm expecting--as he is prone to doing--but it is always something i need to learn, and which he deems best for me. and anything worth doing has risks involved. consider teaching--does the benefit of knowing i did my best before Christ to train these little ones outweigh the fear i may have inside me..(the fear that every good teacher faces as they start out)? heck yes it does. no, it doesnt take away that fear, but it puts it into perspective a little more. and what is fear really? it is doubting that what God has is good. it's doubting that his plans are perfect and blameless and that he is in control. it's trying to take charge of the situation.
that leads to my next area of struggle--a job. for those of you who read this, some of you know i've been looking [again] for work, as both my part-time jobs ended in december. it's really discouraging being led to believe a company will hire, only to be let down again and again. or to just be told "no, sorry we're not hiring right now....but you can put in an application anyways...." oh great thanks, well that's really helpful now isnt it. but you know, i've been negative and selfish about that as well. i've been looking for what i want out of this, not trying to find the Lord's will or even just trying to discover what he wants me to learn through this tedious process. i've been trying to take over and tell God what's good for me, when he keeps saying, "no heather--what i have is even better."
gosh i just love him so much! even through my feeble attempts to take control and turn away from him or the times when i allow pride and selfishness and pity to characterize how i go about the day and interact with people....even through all that, he is so full of forgiveness and patience and love. and he reminds me faithfully every day that he is there, waiting for me to surrender to him. waiting for me to realize that it doesnt matter if a find a job or not--he will provide. somehow, someday, in some way, he will provide for my needs [not wants]. and what a comforting thought that is, because he knows them better than i do.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 says,
"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, through the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,
yet i will exult in the LORD, i will rejoice in the God of my salvation. the Lord GOD is my strength, and he has made my feet like hind's feet, and makes me walk on high places."
H
Saturday, January 2, 2010
hello 2010
so i made a few goals for the next year. i dont think i've ever actually written down my "new year's resolutions" before; they're usually more of a mental thing...which could be why they aren't usually accomplished. that and they weren't really that practical.
so from now til december, i've got some goals for my life. and by the Lord's grace i'll accomplish them unless he takes me home sooner (which i wouldn't mind, in a good way). :)
to begin with--my theme verse for the year:
2 Timothy 2:22
"Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."
1. Spend honest time with the Lord each day, either in prayer or studying the Bible
2. Read through the entire Bible at least once
3. Memorize 4 books of the Bible (1 every 3 months)
4. Make a prayer chart each month and pray for different people each day
5. Each week (perhaps on Sundays), spend 1 hour in prayer for others, missions, my church family, the future, etc
6. By the end of each month, share the gospel story with at least 1 new person
7. Every month (at least), review current events and news
8. Start learning Hindi and researching more about India
9. Start each day acknowledging my need for the Lord
10. End each day by thanking God for something/someone in my life
-H
so from now til december, i've got some goals for my life. and by the Lord's grace i'll accomplish them unless he takes me home sooner (which i wouldn't mind, in a good way). :)
to begin with--my theme verse for the year:
2 Timothy 2:22
"Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."
1. Spend honest time with the Lord each day, either in prayer or studying the Bible
2. Read through the entire Bible at least once
3. Memorize 4 books of the Bible (1 every 3 months)
4. Make a prayer chart each month and pray for different people each day
5. Each week (perhaps on Sundays), spend 1 hour in prayer for others, missions, my church family, the future, etc
6. By the end of each month, share the gospel story with at least 1 new person
7. Every month (at least), review current events and news
8. Start learning Hindi and researching more about India
9. Start each day acknowledging my need for the Lord
10. End each day by thanking God for something/someone in my life
-H
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)