honey to a weary heart

as i read through 34 chapters of the book of Psalms tonight, these are some verses which the Lord is using to revive my aching heart. thank you, Father, for the comfort your Word brings.

9.1 "i will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart; i will tell of all Your wonders."

13.5-6 "but i have trusted in Your lovingkindess; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. i will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me."

16.1-2 "preserve me, o God, for i take refuge in You. i said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; i have no good besides You.' "

16.7-9 "i will bless the LORD who has counseled me; indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. i have set the LORD continually before me; because He is at my right hand, i will not be shaken. therefore, my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely."

18.1-3 "i love You, o LORD, my strength. the LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom i take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. i call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and i am saved from my enemies."

21.2-5 "o my God, i cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but i have no rest. yet You are holy, o You who are enthroned upon the praises of israel. in You our fathers trusted; they trusted and You delivered them. to You they cried out and were delivered. in You they trusted and were not disappointed."

25.4,9,11 "make me know Your ways, o LORD; teach me Your paths...He leads the humble in justice, and He teaches the humble His way...for Your name's sake, o LORD, pardon my iniquity, for it is great."

27.8-9 "when You said, 'seek My face,' my heart said to You, 'Your face, o LORD, i shall seek.' do not hide Your face from me, do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; do not abandon me nor forsake me, o God of my salvation!"

30.2 "o LORD my God, i cried to You for help, and You healed me."

34.4 "i sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."

fall

i watch the irony of it all,
as my favorite season mirrors the emotions inside.
tonight,
i needed more than enough breaths of fresh air
to make it from the front door to the car,
so i took a walk.
in so doing, i happened upon a wooden man,
his many thin arms this way and that,
his coloring quite gone, but for a few red & orange leaves.
though i didn't stay and chat,
i'll admit i took a second glance at him,
and inside i felt a part of those unseen leaves
which, by now, had disappeared from view.
falling are the emotions that tangle inside me,
like a plate of limp spaghetti noodles.
my vigor and valor have ceased to lead
at the foremost of battle lines.
and as the old man's fingers fall,
they foreshadow the dawning of winter,
but
my certain hope
is that winter will break forth
into beautiful, vibrant spring.


H

what is white

white is the slow and soft music that plays

as she steps into the melody
with glass slippers and enchanted chiffon
not knowing
not understanding
the silent tears
and confused contentment

white is the rose of sweet surrender

as she pours out all she has into
that dance
fearful of when the notes will die out
yet hoping, begging, praying for its arrival...


H

simply love you.

Seems that life's become so complicated
I don't think it was meant to be this way
I find myself so distracted
Caught up in the chaos of your day

When did I stop asking for your wisdom?
As if your words were meant for someone else
Why do I choose to second-guess you?
Oh I only frustrate and confuse myself

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When you love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to
I just wanna simply love you

Many times you spoke of us as children
Childhood seems to me so long ago
You say i can trust you like I did then
If I give you my hand then you'll lead me home

Oh...to fall on my knees
With the freshest belief
Stirred once again with the story
of how you loved me


--ginny owens

exhausted

oh Lord, my Savior, please grant me strength this night and again when the sun rises twice more. you are my refuge and my deliverer, my God in whom i am secure. thank you for the promise of a new body someday that will never fail or tire or become worn out. keep my eyes looking upward, not inward, i pray.


H

the battle.

"Prepare for war!"

It was early in the morning when battle cries rang throughout the camp, as the confident military general passed through the tents in Gilgal. This had been an eventful week already, but he knew the most difficult part lay ahead, and it was up to him to rally the troops yet again.

Jericho hadn't been so bad as their first victory. In fact, it seemed so simple, looking back now--marching around the city and shouting for victory, which undoubtedly came only from YHWH. Ai? Well, because of Achan's thievery within the spoils of Jericho, the nation had lost its first men in battle! And 36 of them, at that! The general sighed, half-wishing the consequences of someone else's actions didn't have to affect the whole nation.

From Ai, he had led them across the central part of Israel, taking the cities of the hill country--what a beautiful land this was! Joshua took a mental break, recalling back to when he and Caleb had first sneaked in as spies. It was even better than those areas which they had observed back then, forty years ago, and it was promised to them and to their descendants....incredible.

"Sir!" a young officer called, jolting Joshua from his reverie. "King Jabin of Hazor is moving south towards our camp. They say he's about a day's journey from us, at the waters of Merom."

"Thank you. You may go," the general nodded.

"And sir...with him are three other kings of the north, as well as many armies. To be quite honest, sir, it looks like as many people as the sand on the seashore."

"Have you been to the seashore, young man?" Joshua slightly raised one eyebrow.

"Well...uh...no sir, but that's what I've been told." The officer looked down, shifting his sword sheath nervously.

Joshua nodded again. "Then I suggest you remind yourself what our God told Abraham about sand and the seashore. He wouldn't bring us all the way here to let us be defeated by a few small armies now, would He? That is all. You may go."

The young man disappeared quickly, and Joshua's thoughts turned once more to the past few weeks. Central campaign had been successful, southern campaign was mind-blowing, the way God had miraculously given them victory over the Amorites. He still couldn't believe how long that day had actually lasted, and how none of his own men had been pelted by the gigantic hailstones from the sky.

Well, all that was left was the north. And though he had full confidence that God would bring another victory for the nation, a small tinge of fear rested in the back of his mind. What if another person in the camp had sinned, and their encounter with King Jabin would prove its results? And how would God show His power this time? Joshua himself knew of the large flat-lands of this part of the country, and had also seen glimpses of the massive chariots that dominated the northern territory. How could an army of foot soldiers go against these giants and walk away successful?

Upon reaching the edge of the camp, Joshua motioned for the other soldiers with him to make final preparations for the upcoming battle. The strength in his voice masked the fear in his heart, and once he was alone, he dropped on one knee, putting his head in his hands.

"My Lord," he whispered softly, "Who am I, that you should have me lead this nation? I am no Moses, but I am your servant. Let your name be honored, my Lord."

A voice as true as his own skin answered back, with all the courage and strength which Joshua felt lacking inside.

"Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow at this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel; you shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire."

That was it. And yet, that was all that was needed. Joshua stood to his feet with a new determination and peace, ready at last for the northern campaign.

It was early in the morning, again, as the men began their march from Gilgal. Leaving the women and children behind was the hardest part of all, but their general had assured them of YHWH's hand of protection this day and those to follow.

So Joshua and all the people of war with him came upon the Canaanites suddenly by the waters of Merom, and attacked them. The LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, so that they defeated them, and they struck them until no survivor was left. Joshua did to them as the LORD had told him; he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire. Then Joshua turned back at that time, and captured Hazor and struck its king with the sword; for Hazor formerly was the head of all these kingdoms. Joshua captured all the cities of these kings, and all their kings, and he struck them with the edge of the sword, and utterly destroyed them, just as Moses the servant of the LORD had commanded. So Joshua took the whole land, according to all that the LORD had spoken to Moses, and Joshua gave it for an inheritance to Israel according to their divisions by their tribes. Thus the land had rest from war.


H

the first tears.

they came
tonight
when all was said and done.
a room so full
yet empty
with silent sadness
welling up inside.
and not of fear,
nor of concern for how it'd passed
but for those whose little faces were not present
for those who, most think, are blind
and yet, we are often the ones who cannot see.
oh wisdom, where art thou?
come to me, i beg.
169 days remain
in which i need your guidance.

my heart has increased tonight
in both capacity and in weight.

H

i [love] myself.

i don't know if i've ever hated my sin as much as i do tonight. i hate it. i can't stand it. i look at who i am and i see a girl who loves herself too much. someone who's prideful, selfish, controlling, and wicked. someone who cares about what other people think about her. someone who talks about change, and yet doesn't do it. someone who stands before the throne of GOD and tells him that her plans are better.

my broken heart just sobbed to the Lord tonight. how can he love me? look at all i do (or don't do that i should) against him. how can you take pleasure in my life when it's so full of deceit and selfishness? sometimes it's hard to see your sin (which is a scary thought), but tonight, he revealed it, and it was so blatantly obvious and disgusting. i am ashamed of that girl in the mirror. i wish i could hide it from him, and from others, but i can't. it pierces back, unrelenting as it digs deep into my soul for the world to watch.

oh God, forgive me! sometimes there are groanings too deep for words, and you hear those groanings tonight. Father, i want to please you so badly!! please change me, please make me like you! because i feel as though i look nothing like your holiness, your purity, your humility, your righteousness. please God, be faithful to me and forgive my sin, like you promise.

by your grace, precious Father, i will live for you.


H

true love.

the whole reason you have affections is to enjoy Christ. and everything recorded about Christ in scripture was specifically put there to draw out your affections, to discover His attractiveness, to make your love more deep and intimate. what does it look like when our love for Jesus controls our affections? he Himself will be the object and focus of our love; our hopes will long for Him; our desire will be for Him; our hate and anger will be directed at sin because it offends Him. all the powers and aspirations of the heart will look to Him. thoughts of Him will be our favorite thoughts. remembrances of Him will be our most precious memories. our consciences will be tuned to His heart...true love for Jesus will then control all our human affections.

-Rick Holland, Uneclipsing the Son

saved from victory.

one can argue that the bible could hinge on Isaiah 10.32.
true, it's not the biggest hinge, but it's a crucial verse.
i read that chapter this week and was struck by its importance--
one which, to be quite honest, most people gloss right over.
but i do in fact believe that it was put there for a reason,
and i am so very thankful for it.

"yet today he will halt at Nob; he shakes his fist at the mountain of the daughter of Zion, the hill of Jerusalem."

why, you might ask, is this so special? what's Nob, who's shaking his fist, and why does it matter? well i'll tell you why, so hold on and here we go:

Nob is a small city just north of Jerusalem--this "person" has been following the trail through the Central Benjamin Plateau, passing other cities, mentioned in geographical order north to south in verses 28-31. this is arguably one of the most prime spots in the land of Israel because of both its political location and economical resources, and therefore, it's always under attack. it also leads straight to the gates of the capital, Jerusalem. whoever controls the CBP (and Jerusalem) controls the country as a whole. the "person" to whom Isaiah is referring is actually a nation, but not Israel. no, it's Assyria, the powerful giant to the north of struggling little Israel, led by a terrible general named Sennacherib. he's on the loose, and is aimed at eating Israel alive without mercy. look back at verses 29-31: the people of these cities are terrified, they've fled, and they desperately cry aloud (notice they cry aloud with their voice, but it doesn't say they cry to God). you would be terrified too, if you were part of a small, weak nation, destined because of your disobedience and unfaithfulness to be swallowed by the most powerful country in the world. read the first part of the chapter--God chooses to teach Israel a lesson by allowing the Assyrians to conquer the land (not just the CBP, but practically every other square foot of dirt as well). they deserve this punishment, this judgment for their abandonment of God and His law.

"yet today he will halt at Nob; he shakes his fist at the mountain of the daughter of Zion, the hill of Jerusalem."

just before reaching the capital, Sennacherib stops.
just before he's about to tear apart the Temple Mount on that hill in Jerusalem, and claim "victory" over the hebrew God, the Lord intervenes.
because He promised He would.
and Sennacherib and his Assyrian army "shook their fists", but to no avail.

if they wouldn't have been stopped (for it was really God who stopped them, not their choice), the land would've been completely run over by this nation, and Israel may very well have ceased to exist. but God had promised to save a small remnant of people. and He continued that lineage of the remnant (at times quite slim in numbers), until it reached a King. a King that was born in the most humiliating circumstances and shunned and mocked by everyone around Him.

but that King changed history like no one had ever done before or would ever do again.

and so...one can argue that the bible could possibly hinge on Isaiah 10.32.

[a view of the northern walls of jerusalem.]

no words.

from Rick Holland's Uneclipsing the Son

Job wanted to meet God in a court where each party could be represented by a Mediator. This request was granted on behalf of all mankind just outside the northwest wall of Jerusalem, on a hill called the Skull, on a primitive execution device called a cross. But the strangest thing happened at this court proceeding at Calvary.

Instead of both parties meeting together to work things out through the Mediator, they both abandoned Him.

Judas betrayed Him. The disciples fled for their lives. Peter denied Him three times. Worse, the Father Himself abandoned Him to horrific crucifixion and sinful punishment...

He alone bore the rejection. He alone bore the wrath. As a result, He alone bears the reward for all who place faith in Him.

i can't even describe what my insides did when i read that, and then re-read it. some mixture of turning and groaning and sinking and crying. imagine to be left in the courtroom...alone...pronounced guilty...yet innocent....and silent.

Jesus--you know my heart, though i cannot express it in written words.
thank you.

w-i-s-d-o-m

there is something
that's better than the latest toy
there is something
that never can be destroyed
it's worth more than jewels or gold
or anything money can buy...

w-i-s-d-o-m spells wisdom, i need it
w-i-s-d-o-m in Your Word i find it
i need Your wisdom, Lord, each day.

left to my own self
i always tend to go astray
but in the bible
You declare Your perfect way
teach me to be like You
instead of being a fool...


thanks, SEEDS family worship music.

abandoning the chains.

fresh basil scents the kitchen sink
reflections of blue water dance across the stones outside
and i am here
alive
and breathing in a smile.

listened to dresdow's message from last week
and i'm going to change
not the hard-core, i'm-determined-to-succeed,
the i'll-pull-my-own-bootstraps-up change
that i often exude
even if only in my own thought life,
but the change that comes from
emptying
of all you pride yourself on
and realizing
yet again
you are nothing, and yet,
God loves me.
simple? yes. profound? definitely.
incredible? immeasurably.

i've said before i'm an extreme person.
and these dogs think i'm nuts
but who cares?
they can't stop me from bubbling off the walls
with God's love.
call me cheesy, call me strange.

but if the Son has set me free,
then i am free indeed.

and oh the joy with which that freedom rings...


H

save them, Lord.

it's 2.11am and i can't sleep tonight.
there's so much that's been racing through my brain the last half hour. at times i want to break down and cry in desperation to my Jesus, but i also want to get up and plan how to change the world and tell more people about God's salvation. [to avoid those extremes i will choose an alternate route of blogging for a few minutes]. :)

most of my thoughts have centered on kidsfest. and oh how i love the precious children who've been coming. it is truly a joy to pray for them and talk to them about Christ and his work throughout history. i've had the privilege of getting to know these 100 plus children (some more so than others, but all-in-all, the heart of "pbc kids"), and i guess the Lord has just put a deep love for them in my heart. call it what you will--motherly instinct, years of experience with children and teaching--i say it's a gift from the Lord. not-secretly, i'm proud to call them "my kids" because i do feel a certain amount of "ownership" of them, in a humbling way. and the way they give me hugs, high fives, and snippets of their lives just melts my heart away [it really does].

but to be fair and true, i've also seen the sinful nature of these little ones. disobedience, defiance, outbursts of anger, attitudes of jealousy or superiority, unkindness, unthankfulness, and the list could go on. now don't get me wrong--i wrote in the order i did for a purpose--i love these children so very very much. but they are still capable of wickedness against Creator God, and they show it in ways that are sometimes more evident.

oh how my heart breaks for them! i keep praying over and over that God would call them to true repentance of sin and acceptance of his grace! that he'd teach each little soul who comes on sunday nights the gravity of the gospel's message, and the right response we should have! and yet, even some of my babies who have decided to give their lives to Jesus and follow him still manifest sin in their lives, and that grieves me too. but oh how much more it grieves the heart of the Heavenly King, in whose presence they are sinning.

and they are no different than adult-christians who claim God's name but break his law. Lord, please forgive me for the innumerable ways i've chosen evil over righteousness! change my heart, O God, and cleanse it from sin and filth! i am so unworthy to be called your child, to be a director for this ministry, to be a teacher of your truths...but you know my weak frame and you extend perfect, unchanging, immeasurable, holy, patient, loving grace to me. and i thank you so much, Lord! i hope everyone who knows me can see that the only reason that my life is here is because of Christ, and in him i will boast. he is wise and good and kind and forgiving and teaching and patient and glorious and powerful and so much more.

i pray with all the strength God has given me that my pbc children will one day understand these things and grow to become even more than i will ever be for Christ. Lord, though i may never see the fruit of the work you've set out for me to do, you know all things. bring this group of children into your family one day, Father.

i praise you because you deserve all praise and because you alone are God.


H

surrendering shadows.

spent some time this evening with my dear bridgeport lake. we are quite good friends, you know, though i confess the trivialities and scenery always seem new and breathtakingly charming. i tend to carry a mental album of picturesque snapshots when i leave, much like a perpetual souvenir.

goosey goosey gander waddled away as we crossed paths (he muttering to his practical wife and i almost begging his pardon for upsetting an evening stroll). six seconds of barbecued burgers scented the northern pier, and were it not for my mother's politeness, i believe i would've joined the dinner party. but around the next bend, the yellow roses--oh those handsome yellow roses--were enough of a sightly delight to satisfy even my appetite for dinner.

anyway, i watched--from my most favored plank on the bridge beside the regal lighthouse--as the pink sun wished its goodbyes, and blushing sky turned to lavender, which melted quickly into a heather blue.

there are many ways through which we learn. and for me, sometimes that takes place at this serene lake, my escape. i realized, after a time, that a creme-colored crescent was following me in my attempt to leave, and i found my eyes searching for the watery shadow of the great moon, rather than he himself. too often, this is how i live--peeling my eyes for a reflection, rather than the original. and oh how i need forgiveness for this! i dared not turn to the other side of the bridge, for fear that the water would show my failures and pull me down into its depressions.

i've never really been enamored, as have others, by the weeping willow, but tonight as i passed by, her long arms drooped over...and gazing up through the leaves, i felt very small. and that thought continued with the rest of the walk home. a lamppost, guiding the way for passersby in the night, seemed awfully tall, and i almost forgot that i was not in a dream. how do i accomplish those things which i seek to do, when i'm so small? and yet, i already think of myself as more grand than i really am. things must change, but they will take forceful engagement against the traitor, the spreader of lies.

upon reaching the door, i couldn't bring my hand to unlock and enter, so i contented myself with sitting on the porch, staring at the moon, mostly hidden by now. [i would've stayed out there all night if i could, but reason reminded me otherwise]. as much as i squinted or opened wide, i could not see him clearly. perhaps it was due to the tears that had welled up, but even after forcefully trying to rid them away, that moon just wouldn't stand still.

sometimes you have to make a choice, and though the right path may not be decidedly lined, it is still the right path. and each day, you have to make the choice again, tiring as it is.

so i choose, even tonight, to say no, to walk away, and instead take the dirt road with thistles and thorns, that points forward and straight. the road that will lead to dreams even greater than my imagination can fathom. the road that has as its guide, the real moon, not a mere shadow.

H

glow

it all begins
here
now
the door unlocked
creaking as it opened
nineteen desks
stacked
waiting
shades pulled up
breath held
and the sun burst inside
emotion breaking through
but it's real
a dream finally arrived
so much
reeling like a spinning globe
49 days
and here
we
go.


H

what if i don't come back.

four days left
and they're passing quickly.
the struggles inside intensify,
and bared shoulders are weighed down with it all.
[please Lord, take it away--you promised you care].
how can i go
when i'm not ready for these battles?
but will i ever be ready?
part of me wonders...would it make a difference
if i never returned?
could i say i left things in order & at peace?

i must go, though my mind fights my heart.
i must walk this road alone.

blackberry tears

there are certain people in the world who live in a [mostly] extreme sort of way. they fight and climb to the heights of mountains, where nothing can deter exuberance and victorious joy, but these same people also battle forceful emotions in the pit of dusty, brown deserts. does this make them volatile and moody?--one may ask. perhaps, but not necessarily.

and yet, why am i at war inside? why does my mind become a tangled confusion when i determine to organize its shelves?

on the one hand, the mirror reveals a selfish, stubborn, independently-cold heart. fear pushes its way through the door, and meddles with several of the once-clearly marked shelves. i thought i was fine, i thought i had won....[she whispers, then collapses to the ground sobbing]...what's happening? have i disappointed him too greatly this time? will he still take me back? you.must.let.go...to all you have ever wanted or loved.

the mirror discloses such a hideous x-ray, that she wants to shatter the glass to rid herself of the evidence. but hidden deep in the secret chambers of the heart, there was placed a gift. and at times, though it seems so minute, it is the only treasure to which she clings. the treasure of faith. now, faith is the assurance of what is hoped for--the certainty of what is not [yet] seen. and she knows that some day the truth will be seen, but the day will not be unveiled before its proper time.

so while the confusion and the swings of joy and fear continue,
while she desperately tries to sacrifice herself on the altar--
as she has been commanded--
she walks forward, though blindfolded by naivety,
yet with full confidence that her pathway is secure
following the still, soft voice of the One she loves dearly.

H

advice for a 4th grade teacher.

[from the current 4th grade class]:

"Here is some advice about Fourth grade. Fourth grade is where kids mature and sometimes immature. If we are too immature, we change cards."

"On Mondays and Fridays, it is very loud because of high school chapel."

"A word of advice is: Once in a while make silly faces to make the kids laugh."

"Sometimes kickball gets out of hand."

"4th grade is a blast...you will not be bored."

"When the overhead gets too hot it turns off."

"When your class is being bad, take away minutes from recess one by one."

"Here, teachers teach kids in mind and soul. While a teacher, you may have to teach some things more than once."

[after giving me advice on birthday parties and recess times] "That is how we do fourth grade."

delish

i made coconut mango chicken salad for dinner tonight, and it was DIVINE! whoever created that recipe was a genius.

yikes

this is what i'll be teaching in 6 weeks....what the heck did i get myself into?!

breakthrough

Sitting on the table with my feet on a chair, I tossed the ball up with one hand and caught it several times. The door opened, and two students walked in, backpacks slung over their shoulders. They were obviously tired after a windy day of school, and most likely not in the mood for doing more math. Javier briefly looked up from watching his feet take one step in front of the other, but as soon as he saw what I was doing, his head jerked back up.

"I'm so good at basketball, Miss Olewiler! I'm pretty much the best one of all my friends...plus, I can throw it 3 meters and make it in the hoop with my eyes closed!"

"Oh really?" I said, being purposefully skeptical. "Then you'll have to prove it to me."

"Are we gonna play basketball, Miss Olewiler? Please? I mean, if we finish early and stuff can we play a little?" he pleaded.

"Pull out your homework, Javier. And as you're doing that, I wanna tell you something."

To be honest, I'd never seen him come alive with anything, but putting together some clues and intuition, I'd decided I was going to make him my "project" and he wasn't getting off the hook--though he had no idea.

"Javier," I said, looking him dead in the eyes, "this basketball is yours."

I let the words hang for a few seconds...."It's for you, but you can't have it right now. If you can prove to me that you will try your best, put forth effort in class, and start picking up the pace for learning, then you'll take this basketball home with you in 3 weeks. I'm not saying your work has to be perfect. I'm saying you're going to try your best and be willing to learn. You don't have to enjoy it, but I know you can do better than what you're showing your teachers right now."

His eyes didn't move, even after I stopped talking.

"And as soon as you finish your homework page, we're going outside."

I wasn't sure what was going through his ten-year-old brain at that moment, but whatever it was, it was enough to cause him to sit up straighter, pull out his math homework, and begin working without me having to give directions or review how to add. True, it took a few good solid minutes to finish the page, but only one out of about 30 questions was incorrect.

We played "Math-Ball" for about fifteen minutes. "Three times two plus four," I said as I bounced it to him.

"Uh....wait...wait....hold on.....ten!"

"Ten times nine."

"Uh-ninety!"

"Four times three plus one."

"Thirteen!"

.....

"Now Javier, I'm going to put your basketball right here under my desk until tomorrow, ok? We'll pull it out again and use it for subtraction and division."

"Okay! Bye Miss Olewiler! See you tomorrow!"

.....

Now I know I'm not the greatest teacher in the world...but sometimes, you have those moments when you've been fighting and fighting, and you finally crack the glass. And it's in those moments when everything's worth the fight. We're definitely not done--we have three weeks of intense cramming before testing--but I am determined that Javier will earn that basketball, and I'm going to remind him of it as often as I need to.

Hey....eight bucks is worth a kid passing fourth grade.

projects of today.

no.

sometimes
the answer is no.

and you want a yes
or even a hopeful no,

but sometimes, the answer is simply no.

and it can be a hard kind of no
but you bank on the fact that
later down the road
there will be a better yes.

H

overload

i'll be honest....
i'm mentally freaking out right now. my brain is on overload, and everything is so jumbled together that i can't think straight. i have the jitters and haven't really eaten or slept well the last 30 hours (nor do i really want to, i'm so antsy). but don't worry! it's because of good things that are going on...they're just very big good things.

met with my pastor yesterday, and a friend and i have been given the privilege and responsibility of Children's Ministry Directors for our church's summer kids program! he's done it before, but we're both starting fresh for this year and are super excited. normally, planning for this summer program begins in january and i guess they typically have a lot of the details already in place by now. but for us, it's late april and nothing's been started yet, so it's up to us. like i said, exciting but a huge responsibility. last night we hashed out some of the bigger points, designed an outline for the curriculum, and were even able to write some general summaries that each week will focus on. i'm in the middle of creating a manual (for organizational purposes, accountability, and for future directors to use if they choose), and as soon as Easter's over, we're going public, so it's gotta happen this week!

received an email today from my contact in china--i'm officially going for 2-3 weeks for the summer to teach English over there, and now that i have some more specifics i can start moving ahead. not just that i can, but i need to....and fast. in 2 short months i'll be boarding a plane for hong kong, and there's a lot to do to make it happen. plane tickets, medical shots, visa, housing, transportation, schedule of events, curriculum planning (waiting to receive the textbooks)...everything!! holy cow! i can't believe this is actually happening....

on top of that, i have to work on lesson plans for work, job applications, furlough plans for a church family, about 10 podcast sessions to finish for counseling, regular Sunday School to plan for the next month, and meeting with lots of people, to name the big ones. :) now don't get the idea that i'm complaining, but i'm really not--i'm actually extremely thankful and blessed, but i also just realize how critical it is to use every moment of each day. and thankfully, i'm not doing all this alone (haha...otherwise i'd fail!)...no, the Lord is right beside me, and i just keep looking up at him and laughing at the ways he works.

okay, that's it for tonight. i could go on about what's racing through my thoughts, but i've spent enough time already. i know that it'll be a busy few months coming up, but i'm so ready to see what lessons and joys the Lord has planned!

H

here we go

so many thoughts and emotions running through my head tonight....i'm challenged to think big picture, to be faithful, to look at responsibilities i've been given, to encourage a sweet new friend, to train little ones, to plan and prepare, to laugh more, and to be thankful.

i am incredibly blessed.

H

things i call beauty

do you ever think about stepping gently into a musicbox
letting it play ever so softly while you turn and dance with grace?
do you ever laugh yourself silly like a ten-year-old with her girlfriends
talking for hours in your over-sized high heels and pink lipstick?
do you sit and drink in the night stars and city lights
wishing that you'd never have to say goodbye to them?
do you ever imagine the life of a yellow rose, wild and free
singing as she's fascinated by a luring spring rain?
do you breathe in the loveliness of enchanting strings
and piano glissandos as they tease each other?

mmm...

the house really did smell like india today, as i cooked up some pilau biryani. only one bad thing though...i overestimated the rice. needless to say, i'll be eating this for probably a week straight. :)

oh well.
won't stop me from cooking again.

restless.

i'm craving a bowl full of adventure tonight.
dramatic white clouds, brimming with the coming weekend rain,
are pasted against the black sky
and the stars beckon wistfully...
how daring it'd be to race the night
with wild eyes, large and teasing
and laugh til you can laugh no more.

so while my chin rests on the windowsill
and i watch what i cannot join
the thrills must remain conflicted inside
for the day will soon come
and when it knocks at my door,
i just might leave without so much as a warning.


H

excerpt from novel

"They call me a master carpenter," Li Wen said. "Compared to you, I am but a novice."

They worked together, master and apprentice, building and fashioning, using a simple wood chisel and a plane, doing with their hands what no machinery could.

"You hands are so skilled and powerful," Li Wen said. "Yet so delicate."

"I have much experience building. And these hands are familiar with wood."

"Anything I ever built in the Shadowlands was nothing compared to this."

.......

As Li Wen rubbed the wood grain with his hands, the King stood back and said, "There--it is finished." He smoothed His hand over the chair's arms and stood back, smiling. "This chair is made for Li Wen. Sit."

"No. I cannot. It is much too beautiful. I am not worthy."

"I decide who receives My gifts. Sit down....you can take it with you to My new earth. It will sit in the great house of Li."

"Thank you my Master. Li Wen is most unworthy."

"Don't you think I know who's unworthy and who isn't?" the King asked, laughing. "Li Wen once built a chair for Me. I do not forget such things. I am pleased now to have built one for him. And, remember, you assisted Me in building it."

"But this chair is far beyond anything Li Wen could ever build."

"What you do for Me has never equaled what I do for you, has it?"

"No. Never."

"So let us not imagine it should be different now."



Safely Home by Randy Alcorn

the walk.

for fifty-three minutes early this evening
i went for a walk.

most passers-by wouldn't stop
to think twice
about the things which so captivated my senses
but then,
neither would they be likely to blush at beautiful mountains
as the sunrise peeks up behind their heads.

faint shouts of laughter caught my attention
amidst the soft, loving breeze
and i became quite convinced it was all surreal--
that i was caught in the middle of someone's daydream.

happy were those times--
the days of childhood fantasies and carefree nights
when we'd shoot hoops past eight thirty
and stifle our giggles for a midnight summer swim.

bittersweet they were
the memories and dreams of the past,
for i knew i would never return to them;
moreover they would never be repeated,
not even, most likely, by my own little dears.

i'm not like the others,
no house and front porch planned out
with gardenia bushes hiding the windowsill
and elegant paintings hanging in the hall.
no picture-perfect kitchen
[though i confess we are such lovely friends]
and no stately grandfather clock to remind all of his time.

i might have entertained some of those thoughts
every once in a great while
but it all changed nine years ago.

i could not have imagined that i'd be here--
in desperation, trying to remember the future.
i searched in vain for my Pleiades,
but alas, only four of the seven sisters were out tonight.

then stopping for a moment,
i recalled that sometimes
when you stare too intensely, it can become lost.
but stepping back,
the entirety of the night sky illuminates what your eyes had been pleading.

and so it is.


H

lesson of faith

My little daughter was playing one day with a few beads, which seemed to delight her wonderfully. Her whole soul seemed to be absorbed in her beads. I said, "My dear, you have some pretty beads there." "Yes, papa." "And you seem to be vastly pleased with them." "Yes, papa."

"Well now, throw them into the fire." The tears started into her eyes. She looked earnestly at me, as though she ought to have a reason for such a cruel sacrifice. "Well, my dear, do as you please, but you know I never told you to do anything which I did not think would be good for you."

She looked up at me a few moments longer, and then summoning up all her fortitude, her breast heaving with the effort, she dashed them into the fire. "Well," said I, "there let them lie; you shall hear more about them at another time, but say no more about them now."

Some days after, I bought her a box full of larger beads, and toys of the same kind. When I returned home, I opened the treasure, and set it before her; she burst into tears with joy. "Those, my child," said I, "are yours, because you believed me, when I told you it would be better for you to throw those two or three paltry beads into the fire. Now, that has brought you this treasure."

"But now, my dear, remember, as long as you live, what faith is. I did all this to teach you the meaning of Faith. You threw your beads away when I bade you, because you had faith in me that I never advised you but for your good. Put the same trust in God. Believe everything that he says in his word. Whether you understand it or not, have faith in him that he means your good."

--Richard Cecil, 1800s

small enough

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now


nichole nordeman

i love cooking.

blue cheese/garlic stuffed chicken with white bean-olive salad

chocolate-caramel thumbprint pecan cookies....heavenly!

ireland

today
of all days
it would be lovely
to gallivant around the raw emerald hills of Ireland,
and dance freely
in a pair of red heels.


H

not much longer

today, for the first time since it all started, i watched some video footage of the tsunami hitting japan.

to see aerial filming of enormous waves sweeping toward the country, and houses and buildings being swallowed, and cars trying to out-drive their death....it makes your stomach sick. and those new before-after pictures that you toggle over....i had to stop looking at them because i felt nauseous.

i couldn't help but think that although God does not delight in "making" natural disasters occur, he allows them to happen. and since he is God, he has the right to pour out his judgment on the world when it's time. i'm not the one to say if this is part of his judgment or not, and i have no reason to say japan deserves it more than my own country (in fact, i have a very dear friend who lives in japan, and i was worried for her family when all this started happening), but all that to say, this fallen world will be ending soon. don't know how much longer we have, but i wouldn't say a whole lot of time.

and that thought immediately brought shame to my heart.

what do i spend my days doing? where do i spend the time, money, words, and thoughts i've been allowed? in all honesty, a lot of it ends up being used on myself. but you know....God's grace is the only thing that separates me and those people in japan. that could've been me, included in the thousands found dead among the debris, but God decided to place me elsewhere...in california. comfortable little santa clarita. at least for the time being.

oh God, forgive my selfish attitude. forgive me for becoming so wrapped up in my own little world, my own plans and routines. Lord, i give them up again to you. it doesn't matter if i get married, or if i get a teaching job, or if i travel the world, or if i get to sleep in on saturday mornings. none of that matters (or at least it shouldn't). too often i let it. especially the first and second ones.

but Creator God, help me not to care about those things. let me leave my wildest dreams and deepest desires at the door, as i walk forward towards the altar of surrender. it matters more that your name is proclaimed than for the hidden wishes of my heart to be granted. and if i'm not living out your truth each day, my life is worth nothing. give me deep-water faith as i swim upstream through the pressures and temptations of life...temptations to abandon you for temporary pleasures, forgetting the infinite worth of the glory to come. i'm not saying those things are sinful in themselves...but too often i become too focused on them, instead of the call of my King to tell others about him before it's too late, before another tsunami hits.

with your help, oh Father, i will die--as your Son died--to the attractions of this world--and live again, for however few years you have left for me....with eternal eyes. let me look beyond my earthly, fleshly sinful self and instead see your heavenly, lasting glory. and live for you alone.


H

the forest.

one foot timidly ventures forward
and it seems ages before the other catches up
heavy are her steps
though she knows not the reason why...

all around, large, overgrown trees stand firm and unforgiving
weeds and thorns hide the path ahead
and she does all she can to keep from stumbling,
though it happens again and again.

wet and sharp are the tears that spill from blue eyes-
persevering through the fight to stay focused on the glimmer of light-
of hope and of peace--
at the edge of this darkened forest.

despite her invitation from Him,
safely tucked away,
a measure of guilt presses down on her shoulders.
can you hear me in this place, my Lord? she cries out,
for i fear i may never find the way out,
or worse yet
that the weight of iniquity will increase beyond what i can bear...

i am not worthy to even be invited to your kindgom
so forgive me, my Lord, for my doubt
my lack of trust in you
for the confidence i place in myself and my own doings
for my worry and anxiety.

i lack knowledge of why you are leading me through this place,
but i will trust You--
help me to trust You,
even when i don't know how.


H

take & keep

Lord, i gave my heart to you long ago
but sometimes....many times...i try to reach for it back.
please God, take it--
completely, wholly, firmly, lovingly
and keep it under Your hand,
which breaks, molds, shapes, and renews.
and then, Lord,
help me to rejoice in the works of Your
strong
knowing
hands.


H

earth science

okay so i'll admit it--
i was a little nervous to start teaching science class today.

first graders won't stop giving you hugs and saying "i love you," and i even get away with calling my fourth graders "hunny bun," "sweetheart," and "sweet pea," but as the grade levels increase, so also does my intimidation. my fear of man. hah! imagine that--i'm sometimes influenced by what ten year olds think of me! :)

well, i decided i didn't have time to be nervous, and finished up everything that needed to be prepped before class.
they entered the room--a little confident in themselves, a little curious about "the new teacher"--and after a pep talk about rules/expectations/goals, we jumped right in. and i'll admit it again....it was kind-of fun. okay, actually, i loved it! i have a great group, and although i'm (definitely) not the perfect teacher and there are tendencies i'm already noticing about them, overall i'm super excited to teach (and learn with) my kids. :)

i had begun our forty-five-minute class by pointing out that they are the leaders of the school, and one day they will be leaders of the community and country. [you should've seen how some of them sat straight up in their chairs..i had to stifle a laugh]. the rest of the class period, i kept them engaged in various ways, and i just hope and pray that science will be a time they look forward to, rather than dread or drag their feet.

God has a funny sense of humor...in my own elementary school, growing up, i struggled the most with math and science, and yet those are now two of the three core subjects i teach during the day (and upper grade level at that). but what i do, i can only do by God's strength. and there will be struggle-days ahead (myself versus the material, myself versus the class, and my head versus my heart), but the Lord knows when those will be, and He's with me each step of the way.

i pray that i will somehow reflect Christ to this new group of students. 'cause it's not really about teaching them science, though that's the part i'm paid for...
it's about being Jesus to them.


H

"decorus natura"

the mountains glistened this morning like sugar-covered cookies,
and minty were the hills below
having been refreshed by the week's wet rain-showers.
i love those mountains
and hills
and each early morning they're there to greet me
(though sometimes hidden by a dusty grey envelope).
it would be effortless to stare at them
for hours on end
and imagine the adventures of which they boast silently.
even the daring cliff pictured behind these words tempts me
and someday,
i'm going to seek her out.
with a white dress, i'll spin in circles til i can balance no longer
and fall laughing on the soft, green blanket of grass..
then i'll run with the wind,
stand close to the edge
and smile freely at the majestic waters on the horizon.


H

2 pieces of humble pie

today i felt humiliated...in a good way.

a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.

[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.

[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.

a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him

...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.


H

no excuses.

i'm tired of the games i play with myself.
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."

we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...

1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.

2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.

3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.


well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)

my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.



H

crying to my Jesus

Thou art the blessed God, happy in Thyself, source of happiness in Thy creatures, my maker, benefactor, proprietor, upholder. Thou hast produced and sustained me, supported and indulged me, saved and kept me; Thou art in every situation able to meet my needs and miseries.

May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to His principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, may I rejoice to suffer for Thy name.

Keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that will disappear into nothing. As I pursue my heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a man with no aim but that of a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow men.


Valley of Vision

war within

as pirates-of-the-caribbean music plays from pandora,
it mirrors the tumultuous battle inside my heart
for i desire with everything inside me to stand--
though the enemy's flaming arrows shoot repeatedly,
yet i will not fall
and if i do
He will pick me up again
the world and all it's lies will never sway
His strong, loving,
protective arms
that wrap this trembling girl tightly
and though i fear and doubt and question
[why does it have to be this way?]
His shield of faith i hold in one hand
and the Spirit's sword in the other.

with these, i cannot lose.


H

my new addiction.

you know you're becoming addicted to coffee when "medium roast" is too mild.


it all started with that espresso in portugal....

but man i love it. ;)

don't.

i don't understand what's happening lately
at times it thrills me, yet other times it kills me
and again and again i have to walk by faith.
weak eyes i have,
and squinting off into the distance
down the long road ahead, i see only blurred images,
if even those.
the more you decide to trust, the easier it becomes,
because you train yourself into the habit,
but it also gets harder with each step
[does no one else live paradoxically?]
i tell my kids it is their choice of what their attitude will be,
but do i myself live my own advice?
were it not for God's abundant mercy and grace
i would have fallen into doubt and anxiety,
never knowing if my questions would ever truly be answered,
but i
have
hope
and that hope too, which will never disappoint.

don't leave me, my Lord, i pray
cut out of my heart anything that comes between us,
and let me lose my attraction to anything but You.


H

my greatest fear

"i cared for you in the wilderness, in the land of drought. as they had their pasture, they became satisfied. and being satisfied, their heart became proud;

therefore they forgot Me."

[hosea 13.5-6]


for most christians, "trusting the Lord" is one of the biggest struggles when life isn't going so great. it seems to be the common theme that christians thank God in the good times but forget to ask him their requests, and yet in the hard times they ask God their requests but forget to thank him. and yet, there are also many times in which God brings us out of the testing ground of a wilderness--out of a trial or from the Doubting Castle of Giant Despair, to borrow from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress--and we become confident again in ourselves. soon we have life "under control," and things might still be busy, but at least we know what's going on. slowly (but assuredly), we try to stand taller in our knowledge and abilities, or even in our "humility," and we let our precious times with the Lord be pushed aside. some of us even get so caught up in serving God that we lose our friendship with him, and the pride of doing the right things blinds us to our deceitful, wicked hearts that try to claim authority over him.

and this, my friend, is one of my greatest fears.

it scares me to think that my own heart and soul are capable of such hatred towards God. i have been on both the mountaintops of joy and exuberation at what Christ is doing in the world and in the deep valleys of confusion, anguish, and despair. and like Hosea reminds us, God is incredibly full of mercy (not giving me what i deserve) and grace (giving me what i don't deserve), and he brings us out from the wilderness into green pastures. oh Lord--i would rather you keep me in the desert, where my soul clings to you alone, than to be so comfortable in life that i forget you and your acts of inexplainable power. let me never think i've run out of things to thank you for, and teach me to look for them during the times when it's the most difficult. remind me, oh Father, when life is "smooth," that my heart is still full of wretched sin which only you can cleanse. and remind me, when life is rough and uncomfortable and i feel knocked down over and over, that you are not finished your work, and my job is not to question you and demand answers; only to follow in steady submission and cheerful obedience.

let me not lose this fear, my Lord. for the day i do, i will fall down the slippery slope of indifference and apathy towards you. let my life serve as a truly humble and fragrant offering in your sight, sweet Jesus.


H

build me, then break me

2011 has come. and with or without diligent investment and action in the ensuing twelve months, we will look behind us and question what has happened and what we have accomplished. for the masses, it will be utterly wasted. maybe these are not the thoughts running through their minds as they live day to day, but in retrospect, how valuable are the accomplishments of life that they will boast of by december? [here's another question--how different will our character look?] i've used this analogy before (and to be fair, i didn't originate it), but as fish in a stream, we have 2 choices. we can swim [or float] downstream, riding the current with the majority of those around us. we can voluntarily or involuntarily pursue the things of pleasure, of fun or excitement...the things that will quietly tear us away from God. or we can choose to battle the current and go upstream, where we will undoubtedly get water up our nose, face a colder temperature, and at times swim solo.

my life right now is so full of unknowns. i'm sure the Lord has many surprises planned, and as i head into the new year, i can't help but wonder what He will teach me, what new lessons i will learn, and what steps He will clarify for my faith-lacking feet. one thing i desire in these months, however--that He will build my understanding of Himself, my faith, and my obedience to His words...and then knock me down again to my knees. too many times i become prideful, self-absorbed, and one not characterized by holiness. oh how i long for this to change! though i know not what plans God has made for 2011, i can walk each day by faith and not by sight. and He knows my heart--he knows that i so desperately long to grow in righteousness!

a wise man once said, "anyone who God uses greatly, He will break significantly." oh loving Lord, increase my grasp of the process of sanctification. deepen my yearning to spend time with You. strengthen my mind with truth, and teach me how to apply Your treasures in the every-day realm of life.

and after you have built me up in You, break my dreams and my shallow understanding, sweet Jesus. let my desires for life be crushed so that Yours will prevail. use me only to show the world that i refuse to live for myself, for the pleasures of life, but instead that i will fight--yes, fight--for Your name to be higher than my own. i don't want even one day to pass this year in which i lazily choose to gratify my fleshly, selfish comfort.

yes...2011 has come indeed. and by God's grace, i'm ready for it.


H