my dears

drip-drops threatened to fall this morning outside the panes of room 327.

inside was a bustle of nine-and-ten-year-old energy, begging for details that would accompany the strike of eleven. up they came, silent as a rippling stream, which of course, still contains bubbles here and there. the thought struck me today how much they are handling on their own, as compared to early weeks, and though their own precious mommas were elsewhere at the moment, i suppose the maternal tendencies in my heart groaned a little at seeing how they've "grow up" within four swift months. soon they will be closer to fifth grade than third, but i'll save those thoughts for another time.

miss olewiler, do you think...? miss olewiler, why does...? should i...miss o?

at times the weight of my role is great, and i suppose i could tally up hours and hours [from 3pm-8am] during which their little souls come to my thoughts. but as much as i kick off the heels at the end of the day and plop onto a sofa, too exhausted to make dinner, i also treasure the thousands of times i hear my name. not, mind you, because i have a wonderful name, nor because i'm always eager to solve little problems, but because of the love and trust that comes with their questions. how i love those 19 laughs - all unique - and the serious faces of attentiveness when their eyes comprehend that the Bible isn't joking.

oh that they would go to Jesus even more than their teacher! to shower Him with sweet words, their concerns about friendships, their joys over simple pleasures. that His name would be the one they thank for a field trip or a surprise ice cream snack or a hundred-percent-test. that they would seek His wisdom during intense kickball games and investigate God's word on their own, setting patterns now.

and that i would trust Him with that, not taking the reigns.
let me rest in Your peace, sweet Savior. let me be found your good and faithful servant.


H

drawing near

there are days when i stop...

and think about the things with which i've been blessed

and it often overwhelms my weak soul.

tonight it has happened again

where the Lord took fears and negative expectations

(of last spring)

and proved them wrong.

i admit--i was scared back then, timidly entering this year

letting my fearful heart & the past control my thoughts

but again and again, he has shown me

so gently, so lovingly

that he knew all along how things would be

and how much i'd fall in love with that which i once feared

and when i thought my world was falling apart

he was actually planting the seeds for it to really take off

and burst into vibrancy and color

so now, i draw near, with an abundantly abounding, thankful heart

to the throne of gentle grace and sweetness of my dear Jesus.

H

...but that He loved us first

tonight, i have the urge to write again.

it has been a little past 2 months since my last post, and though 'twas brief, i have wanted to write again very often. but something has always stopped me. so here at last i am again, rambling through a keyboard, not minding if it is read or not, but just wanting to grace ink to these thoughts.

my heart is full.

i have everything i could ever want. yet, there is only one thing that can fit this description. many emotions, many possessions, many ideals vie for first place, but the most important has taken the lead. and this makes it the most special. and, to be sure, the most powerful. otherwise it wouldn't have won. and with that, the others aren't even worth mentioning tonight.

i love my sweet, sweet Jesus. cliche perhaps, seeing as we've known one another for almost 20 years now (i am so very very blessed). but nonetheless, i am overwhelmed with gratitude for my dear Lord and for the lessons he's taught me in the last year. he has become so precious to me, and has so kindly led me--to borrow from the children's book i read my students--across the desert of trials, past the sea of loneliness, and up the mountain of injury because of the greater rewards in store.

because even more amazing than my love for him is his own precious love for me. i marvel that he chose a stubborn, fearful, controlling, depressed girl as myself to be his beloved daughter. in the past, this scared me even more, and i hid in fear and guilt from such love. but now, these journeys we've traveled together have shown me how much i don't deserve his grace and yet run toward it and toward the safety of the shepherd's arms. (*yes, there is a tear threatening to spill, but it is a tear of joy).

thank you, sweet Lord. written words do not do justice to the depths of the Character whom i will never know fully this side of heaven. i only remain your humbled servant, quieted by the gentle power of your Words.


h

to him who overcomes

sometimes, life leaves you feeling 
like you have to be so strong 
for everyone else
that there's no one holding you up.

and now, ladies & gentlemen...

there are many things in this world that i love.

one of these is the sound of friendship and laughter, and another is the smell of a busy kitchen. so i decided that this summer i want to combine two of these essential ingredients of my life and create a 12-week session of home-cooked meals and sweet-tooth cravings, to be hosted by my roommate and myself.

since summer is an odd time of the year, where a teacher's "break" consists of packing in as many things to do on the checklist as possible, cori and i kicked off the season last night with a simpler meal of quick chicken tacos and malted chocolate chip cookies. [below is a brief look at the life of the cookies]. adding couscous to the tacos was not the original plan, but it turned out quite delicious, lighter than spanish rice. and of course, you cant go wrong with fresh peppers, green onions, salsa and sour cream, amongst other add-ins. though i was afraid that perhaps the cookies nestled in the oven a minute too long, they turned out perfect--light and sweet.

til next week (fresh lobster, veggies, and pineapple up-side-down cake??),

heather

my joy this week

but thanks be to God, who always leads us in the triumph of Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. for we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.

2 corinthians 2.14-15

a lament, with hope

remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. this i recall to my mind, therefore i have hope.
the LORD's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for his compassions never fail.
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. the LORD is my portion, says my soul, thereforefore i have hope in him. the LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the person who seeks him. it is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the LORD. it is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth. let him sit alone and be silent since he has laid it on him. let him put his mouth in the dust, perhaps there is hope. let him give his cheek to the smiter, let him be filled with reproach. for the Lord will not reject forever, for if he causes grief, then hi will have compassion according to his abundant lovingkindness.

lamentations 3.19-32

A Tale of Three Kings

by Gene Edwards

What do I do when the kingdom I’m in is ruled by a spear-wielding king?...Just what does a person do in the middle of a spear-wielding contest?...

The answer is, you get stabbed to death.

...But what is the good in being speared?

You have your eyes on the wrong “King Saul.” As long as you look at your king, you will blame him and him alone for your present hell. But be careful, for God has his eyes fastened on another “King Saul”...One just as bad, or worse. God is looking at the “King Saul” in you...There is only one way to get rid of him. He must be annihilated...David the sheepherder would have grown up to become King Saul the Second, except that God cut away the “Saul” inside David’s heart. That operation, by the way, took years and was a brutalizing experience that almost killed the patient.

coldplay.

when she was just a girl
she expected the world
but it flew away from her reach so
she ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of paradise
every time she closed her eyes
when she was just a girl
she expected the world
but it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
life goes on, it gets so heavy
the wheel breaks the butterfly
every tear a waterfall
in the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
in the night the stormy night away she'd fly
and dream of paradise
and so lying underneath those stormy skies
she'd say "oh i know the sun must set to rise."

sing a hard-spun song

when you think of me,
sing a wide open song
and when it's over,
sing it once more
when you dream of me,
dream when i meet you
on that distant shore



"distant shore"
sung by orla fallon

going back

i remember those summer days
filled with swimming and laughter and picnics in the park
the days of sleepovers and homemade cookies
of sunblock and crowded birthday parties
everyone laughing and talking at once
(and not minding at all).

sometimes i miss those days
and i think of how ridiculous an adult would look
if they spun circles out on the grass til they dropped
but who says you cant?
people reminisce "oh to be a child again,"
but i suppose there's a part of me
that will never quite grow out of those days
and as silly as it may be,
i dont care.


H

resting in truth.

sometimes,
to surrender is to win
death brings victory
and heartache leaves us with the deepest joy.

i rest this night in the knowledge that
Jesus is everything.

therefore, i will not fear.

H

saturday morning serenade

while the sun was on holiday,
i took a walk.

it was a gorgeous morning
with the mist falling lightly and refreshing the earth
vibrant shades of color have always reflected my thoughts & emotions
and somehow i communicate quite well with them...
there were plump, crimson berries climbing up the hillside
and joyful orange and lavender flowers waking from their wet sleep,
some of the flushing pinks filled with thousands of last night's droplets
a yellow-breasted bird chirped his song to the Lord so freely
(i wanted to join him, but alas, i did not know his melody)
my favorite, though, was the park at which i silently gasped,
taking in the greenness--such beautiful, enchanting, energizing green
i would not tire, i think, to see such beauty every day of my life.

i passed by my friend with the long, spindly arms--
of whom you may remember from several months ago--
and my heart wanted to burst at seeing the sprouting buds
upon his arms
as he, too, is awakening for the spring.
he slept so long in the cold winter
appearing lifeless and dead
yet inside, he was being prepared for this new season.

and so, now,
with a favored coffee mug
and my dear Hebrews
this day begins.


H

grace in the grey

there's something about the rain
that awakens my love of writing.
no human pours these dismal-looking showers
and yet
they continue to fall
down
down
down
and for some reason,
of which i have not yet determined,
i take great comfort from the grey drops
that paint themselves on my window.

maybe it's because i've often sympathized with the rain
(we've been dear friends for many years now)
& i've shared endless hours with sighs of a wet afternoon
or perhaps because
like the rain
my heart has bled and fallen
many times over in varying ways,
and until as of late,
i've remained there--left in a puddle of cold helplessness,
struggling to last until the sun rises
and clears away those drizzly clouds of fear or hurt.

but whatever the reason,
these days are special to me
and i cant help but thank the Lord for them,
despite when they interrupt a trivial to-do list.

they recall to this forgetful mind
my sweet Lord's faithfulness and love
yes, His gentle, abundant, undeserved love
and His presence with me
these are the days we have such lovely conversations
and reminisce how He's cared for His children in the past
and how He'll continue to do so today.

i think that most people tend to be of the opinion
that sunny days are a picture
of how blessings burst forth like golden sun rays.
and yet
these days of rain also depict to me
the downpouring of grace amidst the grey,
which is no less glorious.


H

dinner

oh how i love to cook.

this year,
i'm determined to improve this art.

H

battling fear & hurt

oh Lord, my God, i cry to you
because you alone will hear and answer my plea
grant rest and peace to this aching heart
for my heart strays from your precepts all the day
i am sickened by my sin
it is ever present before my eyes
and now,
this new hurt
another of which i did not anticipate
oh Jesus, i long for you alone
this life you have given me will not end
one day sooner than you have planned--
so enable me to live each one of them--
but i so desperately long and ache to see you!
my Comfort,
my loving Abba,
my gentle Shepherd,
don't leave me i beg you
don't let me take my eyes off your unfailing love,
for you alone will never fail me.


H

hebrews 4.10

my sweet Jesus loves me like this??!

the bigger my Lord is,
the more i want to rest in Him,
and the less i am inclined toward the things of the world.

tonight,
my heart smiles with joy.


H

step.

dark are the nights
in which i walk the sand of the seashore
begging
searching
hoping
for answers among distant waves
waves that toss and turn and collide
waves which--at first glance--seem so tangled together

and yet
there is something about the sea
and those waves

i stand at the same spot on the sand
looking out across the morning light
and i see the turning and churning
the aching and breaking
of last night's watery questions
and though the tide still ebbs and flows,
though the answers have not washed ashore,
the silence is calming
dare i say comforting.


tender is the Voice that speaks to my soul
and gentle are the Hands that hold mine each night
as my eyes close to rest
and my heart breathes more easily once again.


H

hope, as i've never known before

it is ironic, i think, how some of the worst of times in your life can also be some of the best of times.

going through a difficult period these past 2 weeks or so has brought so much out of the shadows of my heart into a penetrating light. i sit at the table, a lamp aimed at my soul, and the Questioner sitting across from my trembling frame. but this interrogation has gone quite differently than i had originally imagined. the Questioner seeks, with his painful yet gentle probing, to give hope during and after my interview, and not with the result that i walk away with my head hung in shame.

there is so much i want to share about all this, and my humanly-limited communication cannot do it all justice, but here are a few ideas and truths that have turned my thinking upside down in the past week. i say these things wanting to be clear that it is the Lord Jesus Christ who has illuminated my soul and my mind, not by any wisdom derived on my own. so here we go:

1) i have come to realize a great tragedy in the way that i have been living my life. have i been raised and trained in solid, biblical truth? yes. do i still believe that the Lord saved me at a young age? yes. but so many of those twenty years have been spent living in a spiritual depression. and i'm not trying to sugar-coat my words. the thoughts of my mind and the actions of my life have been heavily influenced by a dark (and might i add, strong) hold of depression. not so much on the suicidal end of the pendulum, but i can see quite clearly that i have lost much of my true joy and peace in life. i have lived in fear and guilt. i have begged for the Lord's forgiveness for my sins over and over again, not knowing for sure if he still keeps them written down somewhere or refers back to them. but this cannot be! "a depressed Christian is a contradiction in terms" says the worn-pages of D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. i know that i have a problem, and i know that the Lord has a solution. but how am i to find this and how will i change?

2) i am not alone. though very humbling to admit my struggles, i have to come to see that even great pillars of the christian faith--such as Moses, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Paul, Luther, Charles Spurgeon, and others also wrestled through these thoughts. and when we are honest in looking our problems square in the eye and facing the truth that we need help, it is then that God can do something about it. to refuse to admit these things is not just stupid, but detrimental. and not only am i not alone in my battle with depression, but it is actually much more common than i had ever realized, particularly with those of us who have been raised in the church with solid teaching from an early age. i am not discrediting the background that the Lord blessed me with, and i am so thankful for the home in which i grew up, but i will also be quite frank is saying that until the past two weeks, i had never truly understood some of the most basic principles of the christian life.

3) i have lived many years of my life having been taught about the "rightness of God," but have just now been learning how that rightness is to be actually obtained. for too long, i have thought that i could obtain favor from God and be granted his pleasure if i could just sin less each day and bring a smile to his face by what i did or thought. while that seems simple and good enough, it has left an impenetrable void in my heart because i have failed to come to the most inner workings of my theology about God. i have lived my days trying to conform to God's standards and live by the Law, because i think that it will please him if i look and act more godly each day. again, does this initially seem like an accepted point of view? perhaps. but my thinking has always been motivated by an incorrect perception of God's character and a fear that somehow i might "mess up" and not actually bring him honor for the day. for so many nights of my life, i've laid my head to rest on the pillows in guilt and morbid introspection, pleading that God take away my sins of the day and give new mercies in the morning. i view God as a Loving Friend when the day goes well, as a Protecting Father when i am scared of certain situations, but as an Annoyed Judge when the day's events dont match up with what his word tell me to do.

4) But this is not God! he is a Savior, a Refuge, a Stronghold, a Rock, a Tower of Strength (and i could go on). And not just this, but he loves me every day the same as the day before--infinitely more than i can imagine--and he does not treat me differently when i am full of sin as when i am in line with holiness. again, Lloyd-Jones says, "You are no more hopeless than the most respectable, self-righteous person in the world." God sent Jesus to the earth to save all sinners, not just the ones who have been murderers, adulterers, rapists, and terrorists. Not just the ones who lived a life filled with drugs and then did a 180 when they turned to Christ. No, he came for all people--people like me who have lived in a christian environment my whole life and who unknowingly let depression deplete the joy in their hearts. he came for the people who may look like fabulous christians, but who simply do not fully love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. it makes no difference to him. and it brings him joy to save them all. he does not say "oh gosh, heather's back. well, i guess i saved her earlier and she's been in a lot of problems, but now that she's saved i might as well let her stay in my presence." NO! he rejoices over me and calls me his precious daughter! i am seen not as the sinner i am, but as Jesus with his righteousness because i have put my faith in Christ. do you understand this? Jesus--the perfect one, God's beloved, the spotless Lamb, always faithful and obedient--i am seen wearing his robes, not my sin and guilt-stained rags. God has forgiven all my sin (past, present, and future), paying for it once and for always on the cross. “It is one sacrifice, once and forever. He would never come back to the cross again. All the sins were dealt with there finally and completely, everything. Nothing was left undone—‘It is finished’” (ML-J). i should not and must not believe the lies that i have held onto for so many years that have taken away my assurance of his pleasure in me. i've never doubted that i am a believer and follower of Christ, but i have definitely doubted often the intense love God says he gives to his children because i never knew if he really approved of me despite my overwhelming failures.

5) so then, i cannot move forward until i have realized this true conviction of sin and a right view of God's view of me and of his character. but now what? i broke down wednesday night, sobbing in joy because of these things but still questioning where to go from there. so i kept reading, kept studying. how must i respond? submit myself to God's word. read it, study it, live it, share it. i cannot assume i know what it is saying--that has been shown to me so clearly this week because i have lived for years with an incorrect interpretation of Scripture--i need to have a right view of God and the greatness of the gospel, and i hope and pray that i never lose those, though i'm sure i will forget often, as i'm prone to do. and the results of this submission to God's word? the effects it will have on us when we rest in him, as Hebrews 4 so beautifully assures? joy, not fear. thankfulness, not guilt. “It is because we belong to Him that the devil will do his utmost to disturb and upset us. He cannot rob us of our salvation, thank God, but...he can make us miserable. He can, if we are foolish enough to listen to him, seriously limit our enjoyment of our salvation" (ML-J). we will revert back to reflecting on our failures and questioning God's love and acceptance. let me be clear: true joy in Christ and his word is not the superficial, short-lived highs of thinking what God has done for me, which, i'll be the first to admit, is what i've often mistaken it as. no, true joy is when your heart is breaking in a circumstance and you cling and cry to the Lord every night if need be, and you find the rest he promises by banking on the fact that: yes, i'm a very great sinner. but my Lord is a very great Savior. and if he says that he loves me, how dare i believe otherwise? how dare i try to prove to him that i'm worth his love? i'm not and will never be, on my own, and yet he loves his children so deeply, no matter how well we perform that day. yes i may have sinned the first thing in the morning, but he is not keeping track throughout the day to see if i can 'do better' by the time i go to bed again. i do not have to live in bondage any longer.

i really could keep going, but this is getting quite lengthy. as a final thought though, i have to say that i am so incredibly thankful for this time in my life. would i have chosen it? no. would i willingly choose it again? tough question. life is full of pain, but the things that the Lord has been teaching me these past 2 weeks, and the ways in which he has radically changed my perspective to be more focused on him than myself have been worth the thousands of tears and hours of heartache. i'm also so very very grateful to the women who have poured wisdom and truth into my life (and who continue to do so!), as well as for D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones' book Spiritual Depression. i think i can safely say that besides the Bible, no other book has so dramatically influenced my mind in thinking rightly about God, and i praise the Lord for the lessons i am learning through this reading.

am i perfect now? good heavens, no. do i still have things to learn and sin hiding in my life that i am unware of? of course. but my precious, precious Jesus is bigger than all that, and he loves me.

H

psalm 62

my soul finds rest in God alone
my salvation comes from him
he alone is my rock and my salvation
he is my fortress
i shall never be shaken.

by meredith andrews.

i search for love
when the night came and it closed in
i was alone
but You found me where I was hiding
and though i'll never ever be the same
it was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

"you're not alone
for I am here
let Me wipe away every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
all of your life"

you cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
all hope seems lost
with heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

you've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
sayin'

"you're not alone
for I am here
let Me wipe away your every tear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
and I'm the one that's love you all your life
all your life

faithful and true...forever
for My love will carry you....

you're not alone
for I...I am here
let me wipe away every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
your darkest nights
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
all of your life"

for an aching heart

you O Lord are my strength and my shield
my fortress
the one who lifts my weary head
my comforter, my rock
my water when i thirst in the desert
you are my safety and my delight
my stronghold
with your loving arms wrapped tightly around my trembling frame
you love me
you rejoice over me
you lavish me with gifts
you are my healer, my great physician
the one who knows all things
you hold me gently in your hand
and protect me under your wings
you touch my chin and tilt it upward, not to the ground
you wipe the thousands and thousands of tears
and keep them safe in a bottle for your own glory
you are my teacher when i am foolish
my guide when i am lost
and my hope when i so desperately want to despair
you relieve the fears and worries that knock at my heart's door
you argue my salvation before the throne
and take the pain and the sin that shouldve been mine
you are my rest, my peace, my satisfaction
you cover me with grace and mercy
you calm my anxious thoughts
and still my restless soul
you are my defense, my help, my wisdom
you are my leader, my deliverer, and my king
yes, O Lord, you are my joy.


H

tears

why
when you so desperately want to say no
do all the tears
and heartache
and pain
culminate into a yes?
knowing that they might never leave you
and yet you still say yes?


H