the walk.

for fifty-three minutes early this evening
i went for a walk.

most passers-by wouldn't stop
to think twice
about the things which so captivated my senses
but then,
neither would they be likely to blush at beautiful mountains
as the sunrise peeks up behind their heads.

faint shouts of laughter caught my attention
amidst the soft, loving breeze
and i became quite convinced it was all surreal--
that i was caught in the middle of someone's daydream.

happy were those times--
the days of childhood fantasies and carefree nights
when we'd shoot hoops past eight thirty
and stifle our giggles for a midnight summer swim.

bittersweet they were
the memories and dreams of the past,
for i knew i would never return to them;
moreover they would never be repeated,
not even, most likely, by my own little dears.

i'm not like the others,
no house and front porch planned out
with gardenia bushes hiding the windowsill
and elegant paintings hanging in the hall.
no picture-perfect kitchen
[though i confess we are such lovely friends]
and no stately grandfather clock to remind all of his time.

i might have entertained some of those thoughts
every once in a great while
but it all changed nine years ago.

i could not have imagined that i'd be here--
in desperation, trying to remember the future.
i searched in vain for my Pleiades,
but alas, only four of the seven sisters were out tonight.

then stopping for a moment,
i recalled that sometimes
when you stare too intensely, it can become lost.
but stepping back,
the entirety of the night sky illuminates what your eyes had been pleading.

and so it is.


H

lesson of faith

My little daughter was playing one day with a few beads, which seemed to delight her wonderfully. Her whole soul seemed to be absorbed in her beads. I said, "My dear, you have some pretty beads there." "Yes, papa." "And you seem to be vastly pleased with them." "Yes, papa."

"Well now, throw them into the fire." The tears started into her eyes. She looked earnestly at me, as though she ought to have a reason for such a cruel sacrifice. "Well, my dear, do as you please, but you know I never told you to do anything which I did not think would be good for you."

She looked up at me a few moments longer, and then summoning up all her fortitude, her breast heaving with the effort, she dashed them into the fire. "Well," said I, "there let them lie; you shall hear more about them at another time, but say no more about them now."

Some days after, I bought her a box full of larger beads, and toys of the same kind. When I returned home, I opened the treasure, and set it before her; she burst into tears with joy. "Those, my child," said I, "are yours, because you believed me, when I told you it would be better for you to throw those two or three paltry beads into the fire. Now, that has brought you this treasure."

"But now, my dear, remember, as long as you live, what faith is. I did all this to teach you the meaning of Faith. You threw your beads away when I bade you, because you had faith in me that I never advised you but for your good. Put the same trust in God. Believe everything that he says in his word. Whether you understand it or not, have faith in him that he means your good."

--Richard Cecil, 1800s

small enough

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now


nichole nordeman

i love cooking.

blue cheese/garlic stuffed chicken with white bean-olive salad

chocolate-caramel thumbprint pecan cookies....heavenly!

ireland

today
of all days
it would be lovely
to gallivant around the raw emerald hills of Ireland,
and dance freely
in a pair of red heels.


H

not much longer

today, for the first time since it all started, i watched some video footage of the tsunami hitting japan.

to see aerial filming of enormous waves sweeping toward the country, and houses and buildings being swallowed, and cars trying to out-drive their death....it makes your stomach sick. and those new before-after pictures that you toggle over....i had to stop looking at them because i felt nauseous.

i couldn't help but think that although God does not delight in "making" natural disasters occur, he allows them to happen. and since he is God, he has the right to pour out his judgment on the world when it's time. i'm not the one to say if this is part of his judgment or not, and i have no reason to say japan deserves it more than my own country (in fact, i have a very dear friend who lives in japan, and i was worried for her family when all this started happening), but all that to say, this fallen world will be ending soon. don't know how much longer we have, but i wouldn't say a whole lot of time.

and that thought immediately brought shame to my heart.

what do i spend my days doing? where do i spend the time, money, words, and thoughts i've been allowed? in all honesty, a lot of it ends up being used on myself. but you know....God's grace is the only thing that separates me and those people in japan. that could've been me, included in the thousands found dead among the debris, but God decided to place me elsewhere...in california. comfortable little santa clarita. at least for the time being.

oh God, forgive my selfish attitude. forgive me for becoming so wrapped up in my own little world, my own plans and routines. Lord, i give them up again to you. it doesn't matter if i get married, or if i get a teaching job, or if i travel the world, or if i get to sleep in on saturday mornings. none of that matters (or at least it shouldn't). too often i let it. especially the first and second ones.

but Creator God, help me not to care about those things. let me leave my wildest dreams and deepest desires at the door, as i walk forward towards the altar of surrender. it matters more that your name is proclaimed than for the hidden wishes of my heart to be granted. and if i'm not living out your truth each day, my life is worth nothing. give me deep-water faith as i swim upstream through the pressures and temptations of life...temptations to abandon you for temporary pleasures, forgetting the infinite worth of the glory to come. i'm not saying those things are sinful in themselves...but too often i become too focused on them, instead of the call of my King to tell others about him before it's too late, before another tsunami hits.

with your help, oh Father, i will die--as your Son died--to the attractions of this world--and live again, for however few years you have left for me....with eternal eyes. let me look beyond my earthly, fleshly sinful self and instead see your heavenly, lasting glory. and live for you alone.


H

the forest.

one foot timidly ventures forward
and it seems ages before the other catches up
heavy are her steps
though she knows not the reason why...

all around, large, overgrown trees stand firm and unforgiving
weeds and thorns hide the path ahead
and she does all she can to keep from stumbling,
though it happens again and again.

wet and sharp are the tears that spill from blue eyes-
persevering through the fight to stay focused on the glimmer of light-
of hope and of peace--
at the edge of this darkened forest.

despite her invitation from Him,
safely tucked away,
a measure of guilt presses down on her shoulders.
can you hear me in this place, my Lord? she cries out,
for i fear i may never find the way out,
or worse yet
that the weight of iniquity will increase beyond what i can bear...

i am not worthy to even be invited to your kindgom
so forgive me, my Lord, for my doubt
my lack of trust in you
for the confidence i place in myself and my own doings
for my worry and anxiety.

i lack knowledge of why you are leading me through this place,
but i will trust You--
help me to trust You,
even when i don't know how.


H

take & keep

Lord, i gave my heart to you long ago
but sometimes....many times...i try to reach for it back.
please God, take it--
completely, wholly, firmly, lovingly
and keep it under Your hand,
which breaks, molds, shapes, and renews.
and then, Lord,
help me to rejoice in the works of Your
strong
knowing
hands.


H

earth science

okay so i'll admit it--
i was a little nervous to start teaching science class today.

first graders won't stop giving you hugs and saying "i love you," and i even get away with calling my fourth graders "hunny bun," "sweetheart," and "sweet pea," but as the grade levels increase, so also does my intimidation. my fear of man. hah! imagine that--i'm sometimes influenced by what ten year olds think of me! :)

well, i decided i didn't have time to be nervous, and finished up everything that needed to be prepped before class.
they entered the room--a little confident in themselves, a little curious about "the new teacher"--and after a pep talk about rules/expectations/goals, we jumped right in. and i'll admit it again....it was kind-of fun. okay, actually, i loved it! i have a great group, and although i'm (definitely) not the perfect teacher and there are tendencies i'm already noticing about them, overall i'm super excited to teach (and learn with) my kids. :)

i had begun our forty-five-minute class by pointing out that they are the leaders of the school, and one day they will be leaders of the community and country. [you should've seen how some of them sat straight up in their chairs..i had to stifle a laugh]. the rest of the class period, i kept them engaged in various ways, and i just hope and pray that science will be a time they look forward to, rather than dread or drag their feet.

God has a funny sense of humor...in my own elementary school, growing up, i struggled the most with math and science, and yet those are now two of the three core subjects i teach during the day (and upper grade level at that). but what i do, i can only do by God's strength. and there will be struggle-days ahead (myself versus the material, myself versus the class, and my head versus my heart), but the Lord knows when those will be, and He's with me each step of the way.

i pray that i will somehow reflect Christ to this new group of students. 'cause it's not really about teaching them science, though that's the part i'm paid for...
it's about being Jesus to them.


H