not much longer

today, for the first time since it all started, i watched some video footage of the tsunami hitting japan.

to see aerial filming of enormous waves sweeping toward the country, and houses and buildings being swallowed, and cars trying to out-drive their death....it makes your stomach sick. and those new before-after pictures that you toggle over....i had to stop looking at them because i felt nauseous.

i couldn't help but think that although God does not delight in "making" natural disasters occur, he allows them to happen. and since he is God, he has the right to pour out his judgment on the world when it's time. i'm not the one to say if this is part of his judgment or not, and i have no reason to say japan deserves it more than my own country (in fact, i have a very dear friend who lives in japan, and i was worried for her family when all this started happening), but all that to say, this fallen world will be ending soon. don't know how much longer we have, but i wouldn't say a whole lot of time.

and that thought immediately brought shame to my heart.

what do i spend my days doing? where do i spend the time, money, words, and thoughts i've been allowed? in all honesty, a lot of it ends up being used on myself. but you know....God's grace is the only thing that separates me and those people in japan. that could've been me, included in the thousands found dead among the debris, but God decided to place me elsewhere...in california. comfortable little santa clarita. at least for the time being.

oh God, forgive my selfish attitude. forgive me for becoming so wrapped up in my own little world, my own plans and routines. Lord, i give them up again to you. it doesn't matter if i get married, or if i get a teaching job, or if i travel the world, or if i get to sleep in on saturday mornings. none of that matters (or at least it shouldn't). too often i let it. especially the first and second ones.

but Creator God, help me not to care about those things. let me leave my wildest dreams and deepest desires at the door, as i walk forward towards the altar of surrender. it matters more that your name is proclaimed than for the hidden wishes of my heart to be granted. and if i'm not living out your truth each day, my life is worth nothing. give me deep-water faith as i swim upstream through the pressures and temptations of life...temptations to abandon you for temporary pleasures, forgetting the infinite worth of the glory to come. i'm not saying those things are sinful in themselves...but too often i become too focused on them, instead of the call of my King to tell others about him before it's too late, before another tsunami hits.

with your help, oh Father, i will die--as your Son died--to the attractions of this world--and live again, for however few years you have left for me....with eternal eyes. let me look beyond my earthly, fleshly sinful self and instead see your heavenly, lasting glory. and live for you alone.


H