dear india,
i miss you today...a lot. in fact, i'm dying to come see you and if i could, i'd catch the next plane that left LAX for you. reading a friend's blog made me crack up all over again at some of the funny things that happened when i saw you last. it also made me ache, not knowing you as deep as i wish i could, and knowing there is so much more to you than i know. so much beauty, so much pain, so much need for Someone to save you. and yet, there are those among you who know and love Him, despite the difficult costs. do we belong together? will i ever see you again? why did i have a recent chat with an old friend we both know? why did i stumble across pictures of you today? why can't i get you off my mind these days? i miss you, but sometimes i'm not even sure what it is that i miss. do you miss me back? i think i'm going to start praying more for you and also whether i should come and see you soon.
and i think i'm also going to start learning hindi.
love, heather
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
the drive
silence......
the only sounds to be heard were the revving of the engine and the harsh wind as she sped through it, up the inclines, down the dips, and into the cold, black night. above her head and out in the looming distance were streaks of navy and ash, with less than a handful of sparkled glitters, giving a faint glow to the sky. in the air was the bone-chilling smell of december, which would soon fade away quietly into january.
and she drove on.
at first, there were no thoughts. there were no deep revelations, no wonderments to turn the head of another. only silence. and it continued for a good long while. until a rather small gleam opened up those unpretentious clouds, and as the gap grew wider, the thoughts began pouring through.
one of them, which was admittedly large--called prayer, occupied her, and caused an array of emotions. initially, it tried to push her into a pond of guilt, but stepping back, she became more curious than apologetic. what was this so-desired essence that they all routinely listed as wanting, yet which was more often treated as a mediocre advantage?
for many, it seemed suitable, almost sensible, but clearly was not coveted in a manner which would guarantee its obtaining. and yet for others, so select-few it seemed, it was quite simple, and yet treasured so deeply and used so often, that one could only guess what would happen if it were not there.
what a thing to consider, she wondered, steering slightly to the right. how many people in the world prayed for such selfish purposes...how many of her own conversations with God had been centered on her materialistic desires and vain hopes. what image do i portray of Him? what does He think when i speak? the questions drew her out of a reverie as she simultaneously pressed the brake to keep from colliding into a speeding shadow.
and who was she, to think she could hide from Him? yes, those deep, hidden indulgences and guilts were indeed paraded before His eyes, with no veil to cover them. mercy, she cried, oh God show me mercy in my innermost being! for what i have done--and what i have not done, for my apathy and my pride, for the days when i loved you not and the days i lived for myself. four hot tears slid down her cheek, and she wished with all her might she could see Him and let Him hold her tenderly in His strong arms.
teach her, dearest Father, what it means to pray. break her clenched fists with Your gentle touch. for she longs for You, o holy one--You who even as a nursing babe would have more wisdom than she.
and coming round the last bend, she saw the city lights aglow. they were breath-taking. common-sense prevented her from pulling to the side and breathing in those lights, but oh how desperately she wanted to stop the journey of life and soak them in--those pictures of her soul, little flames in the distance, with so much beneath them.
but i promise, she said aloud...you shall look at this girl in one year's span, and if she is alive, she will be very much a changed woman. changed through prayer by Him who listens and answers. broken she may be, but crushed she will not, for she has hope--that which, though shaken at times, will never fall. hope in the One who knows best, who knows all, and who knew her frail, trembling heart--and who still loved her. with that thought, her head bent to the side, the trace of a smile could be found on the corner of her lips, and if you delved into her mind, you would have seen, "He still loves me."
in more ways than one,
it was a beautiful drive home.
the only sounds to be heard were the revving of the engine and the harsh wind as she sped through it, up the inclines, down the dips, and into the cold, black night. above her head and out in the looming distance were streaks of navy and ash, with less than a handful of sparkled glitters, giving a faint glow to the sky. in the air was the bone-chilling smell of december, which would soon fade away quietly into january.
and she drove on.
at first, there were no thoughts. there were no deep revelations, no wonderments to turn the head of another. only silence. and it continued for a good long while. until a rather small gleam opened up those unpretentious clouds, and as the gap grew wider, the thoughts began pouring through.
one of them, which was admittedly large--called prayer, occupied her, and caused an array of emotions. initially, it tried to push her into a pond of guilt, but stepping back, she became more curious than apologetic. what was this so-desired essence that they all routinely listed as wanting, yet which was more often treated as a mediocre advantage?
for many, it seemed suitable, almost sensible, but clearly was not coveted in a manner which would guarantee its obtaining. and yet for others, so select-few it seemed, it was quite simple, and yet treasured so deeply and used so often, that one could only guess what would happen if it were not there.
what a thing to consider, she wondered, steering slightly to the right. how many people in the world prayed for such selfish purposes...how many of her own conversations with God had been centered on her materialistic desires and vain hopes. what image do i portray of Him? what does He think when i speak? the questions drew her out of a reverie as she simultaneously pressed the brake to keep from colliding into a speeding shadow.
and who was she, to think she could hide from Him? yes, those deep, hidden indulgences and guilts were indeed paraded before His eyes, with no veil to cover them. mercy, she cried, oh God show me mercy in my innermost being! for what i have done--and what i have not done, for my apathy and my pride, for the days when i loved you not and the days i lived for myself. four hot tears slid down her cheek, and she wished with all her might she could see Him and let Him hold her tenderly in His strong arms.
teach her, dearest Father, what it means to pray. break her clenched fists with Your gentle touch. for she longs for You, o holy one--You who even as a nursing babe would have more wisdom than she.
and coming round the last bend, she saw the city lights aglow. they were breath-taking. common-sense prevented her from pulling to the side and breathing in those lights, but oh how desperately she wanted to stop the journey of life and soak them in--those pictures of her soul, little flames in the distance, with so much beneath them.
but i promise, she said aloud...you shall look at this girl in one year's span, and if she is alive, she will be very much a changed woman. changed through prayer by Him who listens and answers. broken she may be, but crushed she will not, for she has hope--that which, though shaken at times, will never fall. hope in the One who knows best, who knows all, and who knew her frail, trembling heart--and who still loved her. with that thought, her head bent to the side, the trace of a smile could be found on the corner of her lips, and if you delved into her mind, you would have seen, "He still loves me."
in more ways than one,
it was a beautiful drive home.
Friday, December 25, 2009
christ [mas] morning
bright and early I woke
and with a rub of my eyes
I remembered what day this was
off flew the warm blankets
on went the smile and laughter
and fairly soon
it had all begun,
though really,
it had begun much long ago
at the beginning of the world's time to be precise.
but let us fast forward from then
and backtrack from now
to the dirty, bustling, crowded city of
Bethlehem.
she was pregnant
she was shamed by her family and friends
and he was too, for keeping her
[a shame which all three of them would suffer
the rest of their lives]
they were tired from the long, slow trip south
only to be met by filled-streets
and horrified relatives,
seeing her bulging stomach
knowing they weren't yet wed
no, there was "no room" for them
and the young girl
probably about to cry in desperation
gave birth to her baby boy
in a cattle shed.
she lay her son in a hard manger
softened only by cattle's feed of bristly straw
and lay back exhausted
how would it feel to know that you had born the Messiah--the promised one?
he came to save his people,
but not just the Jewish nation
you
and me.
yes, those oppressed people, slaves to the Greeks
and then the Romans [for years]
without direct messages from God
for 400 years
were not the only captives set free by his coming
that's the message of the Bible.
but, i must be clear, it's only half of the message
because a little over thirty years later,
this little baby would grow up to become a man
who would finally fulfill his purpose for coming to earth
that is,
to die
for you
and me
and to be raised back to life
so that those who believe him--
with active belief, the kind that can't wait to tell the world--
that those who die with him
would be set free
saved
rescued from sin and death
forever.
and the best part is...
he's coming back.
and with a rub of my eyes
I remembered what day this was
off flew the warm blankets
on went the smile and laughter
and fairly soon
it had all begun,
though really,
it had begun much long ago
at the beginning of the world's time to be precise.
but let us fast forward from then
and backtrack from now
to the dirty, bustling, crowded city of
Bethlehem.
she was pregnant
she was shamed by her family and friends
and he was too, for keeping her
[a shame which all three of them would suffer
the rest of their lives]
they were tired from the long, slow trip south
only to be met by filled-streets
and horrified relatives,
seeing her bulging stomach
knowing they weren't yet wed
no, there was "no room" for them
and the young girl
probably about to cry in desperation
gave birth to her baby boy
in a cattle shed.
she lay her son in a hard manger
softened only by cattle's feed of bristly straw
and lay back exhausted
how would it feel to know that you had born the Messiah--the promised one?
he came to save his people,
but not just the Jewish nation
you
and me.
yes, those oppressed people, slaves to the Greeks
and then the Romans [for years]
without direct messages from God
for 400 years
were not the only captives set free by his coming
that's the message of the Bible.
but, i must be clear, it's only half of the message
because a little over thirty years later,
this little baby would grow up to become a man
who would finally fulfill his purpose for coming to earth
that is,
to die
for you
and me
and to be raised back to life
so that those who believe him--
with active belief, the kind that can't wait to tell the world--
that those who die with him
would be set free
saved
rescued from sin and death
forever.
and the best part is...
he's coming back.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
silent eyes
she stood quietly
as above her head the planes thundered into the air
destined for secret places, traceable only by the signs on their tails
she stood quietly
as around her the waves rippled in the dark night
washing the So-Cal beach and preparing it for the morning
and the stars,
oh those beautiful stars,
were hidden by a milky wave painted across the sky
were it not for those around her
tears would've come to her longing eyes
those eyes that had seen much, that had experienced much
and each time another plane left the nearby runway--
soaring powerfully above--
the blue eyes darted up
wishing
praying
waiting
hoping her turn would come soon
how throbbing it was for her searching heart
scared of what lay ahead
out there in the dark distance
across the black sea
she knew not what would come, but only that it would
and turning back to the brightly-lit fire
that stark contrast on a cold december night
she let
go.
of tomorrow's dreams, the regrets of the past
and silently
yes
silently
--for though they saw her face they did not know her heart--
she gave it back
again
as she felt she had done so many times before
and though the tears didn't come til she was alone
it didn't matter anymore
because she was surrendering to win...
soon would come the day
when a plane would take off the ground,
when the fire burned brightly once more,
and the world would be set ablaze.
as above her head the planes thundered into the air
destined for secret places, traceable only by the signs on their tails
she stood quietly
as around her the waves rippled in the dark night
washing the So-Cal beach and preparing it for the morning
and the stars,
oh those beautiful stars,
were hidden by a milky wave painted across the sky
were it not for those around her
tears would've come to her longing eyes
those eyes that had seen much, that had experienced much
and each time another plane left the nearby runway--
soaring powerfully above--
the blue eyes darted up
wishing
praying
waiting
hoping her turn would come soon
how throbbing it was for her searching heart
scared of what lay ahead
out there in the dark distance
across the black sea
she knew not what would come, but only that it would
and turning back to the brightly-lit fire
that stark contrast on a cold december night
she let
go.
of tomorrow's dreams, the regrets of the past
and silently
yes
silently
--for though they saw her face they did not know her heart--
she gave it back
again
as she felt she had done so many times before
and though the tears didn't come til she was alone
it didn't matter anymore
because she was surrendering to win...
soon would come the day
when a plane would take off the ground,
when the fire burned brightly once more,
and the world would be set ablaze.
Monday, December 14, 2009
brother's wisdom
my brother is very wise
and i respect him a lot
last night he reminded me of something
which i had forgotten
he said,
trying to get rid of something in your life
or thoughts
is like trying to get air out of a jar
no matter how hard you try to suck all the air out
it wont work
unless
you fill it with water
and so it is with our lives
the only way
to get something out of your life
or thoughts
is to fill them with something else
like Jesus
to be so completely consumed by Jesus
and loving him above all else
will slowly take away
the worries of other things
and so i've decided
this week
to focus on filling my life
with God's word
and thoughts about him
so that it crowds out
all the unncessary worries
that shouldn't be there.
and this is the verse that's been running through my head all day:
"for i have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me."
and i respect him a lot
last night he reminded me of something
which i had forgotten
he said,
trying to get rid of something in your life
or thoughts
is like trying to get air out of a jar
no matter how hard you try to suck all the air out
it wont work
unless
you fill it with water
and so it is with our lives
the only way
to get something out of your life
or thoughts
is to fill them with something else
like Jesus
to be so completely consumed by Jesus
and loving him above all else
will slowly take away
the worries of other things
and so i've decided
this week
to focus on filling my life
with God's word
and thoughts about him
so that it crowds out
all the unncessary worries
that shouldn't be there.
and this is the verse that's been running through my head all day:
"for i have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
she
she wants to write
but doesnt know what to say
she feel it all inside
but the words wont come
it's like nostalgic, for both the past and future
but content
for the rain has come at long last
and she loves it.
the time runs short
and she is drawn to a close
though on the other side, he has no idea
of what has passed
of what awaits
it's all so very strange
and yet perfectly planned
because on the table sits
one
white
rose.
but doesnt know what to say
she feel it all inside
but the words wont come
it's like nostalgic, for both the past and future
but content
for the rain has come at long last
and she loves it.
the time runs short
and she is drawn to a close
though on the other side, he has no idea
of what has passed
of what awaits
it's all so very strange
and yet perfectly planned
because on the table sits
one
white
rose.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
faith & fighting
woke up crying today
from a bad dream
weird way to end such a great weekend
and now here we go
4 weeks left
so much confusion in my head
of what happens next
and how it'll all work out
but somehow it will
and i'm fighting for that peace
that passes over my understanding
and that guards my heart and mind
in Messiah.
from a bad dream
weird way to end such a great weekend
and now here we go
4 weeks left
so much confusion in my head
of what happens next
and how it'll all work out
but somehow it will
and i'm fighting for that peace
that passes over my understanding
and that guards my heart and mind
in Messiah.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
the night sky
gosh i cant say it enough
the stars are divine!
the best thing about the long walk home each night
is that i have the most gorgeous view of the night sky
and each time
i have to stop
and take a breath
and each night
i look up at those lovely stars
and thank God for them
especially tonight because i got to see
my favorite constellation,
the 7 sisters.
the stars are divine!
the best thing about the long walk home each night
is that i have the most gorgeous view of the night sky
and each time
i have to stop
and take a breath
and each night
i look up at those lovely stars
and thank God for them
especially tonight because i got to see
my favorite constellation,
the 7 sisters.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
11:03
i dont know where to begin
i really cant begin at the beginning
cause that would take too long
so i'll begin at the end
or rather the middle i should say
since the end hasnt arrived yet
today was wonderful
oh so wonderful
filled with joy only God could provide
one of those days
when you are so humbled to be alive
when you open the door to the morning,
and the sun comes bursting through
when you walk home at night
praying for your neighbors and each house
you pass by
this was a day i couldnt stop smiling
tried but just failed
and didnt care cause i'd much rather smile
and these days bring energy
tons of it
i feel ready to conquer the world
or drive to the beach and dance along the shore
without a care in the world
and dont care who's watching
i want to climb a mountain and look out over the valley
sparkled with lights and far away noises of the night
[did i mention i love nights?
and the smell of honeysuckle as i quietly slip home down the deserted streets.]
there's so many things i would wish for right now
and yet, there's a peace
a calmness
reassuring love from the One who loves me
more than any earthly man ever could
i'm a living paradox tonight
wishing, yet content
confused, yet certain
oh Abba Father, you are good.
and there is nothing left for me to say.
i really cant begin at the beginning
cause that would take too long
so i'll begin at the end
or rather the middle i should say
since the end hasnt arrived yet
today was wonderful
oh so wonderful
filled with joy only God could provide
one of those days
when you are so humbled to be alive
when you open the door to the morning,
and the sun comes bursting through
when you walk home at night
praying for your neighbors and each house
you pass by
this was a day i couldnt stop smiling
tried but just failed
and didnt care cause i'd much rather smile
and these days bring energy
tons of it
i feel ready to conquer the world
or drive to the beach and dance along the shore
without a care in the world
and dont care who's watching
i want to climb a mountain and look out over the valley
sparkled with lights and far away noises of the night
[did i mention i love nights?
and the smell of honeysuckle as i quietly slip home down the deserted streets.]
there's so many things i would wish for right now
and yet, there's a peace
a calmness
reassuring love from the One who loves me
more than any earthly man ever could
i'm a living paradox tonight
wishing, yet content
confused, yet certain
oh Abba Father, you are good.
and there is nothing left for me to say.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
the sweet and the bitter
[by Brother Lawrence, bold and italics added]
1691. God knows best what is needful for us, and all that He does is for our good. If we knew how much He loves us, we should be always ready to receive equally and with indifference from His hand the sweet and the bitter; all that comes from Him would please. All of our sufferings will lose their bitterness and become even a matter of consolation.
Let us not amuse ourselves to seek or to love God for any sensual or sentimental reason. Such reasons cannot bring us as near to God as does faith in one simple act. Let us seek Him often by faith. He is within us; do not seek Him elsewhere. We are rude and deserve blame if we leave Him alone in order to busy ourselves about trifles, which do not please Him and probably offend Him. We should fear these trifles; one day they will cost us dear.
Let us begin to be devoted to Him earnestly. Let us cast everything except what is eternal out of our hearts. He wants to possess them alone. Beg this favor of Him...
1691. God knows best what is needful for us, and all that He does is for our good. If we knew how much He loves us, we should be always ready to receive equally and with indifference from His hand the sweet and the bitter; all that comes from Him would please. All of our sufferings will lose their bitterness and become even a matter of consolation.
Let us not amuse ourselves to seek or to love God for any sensual or sentimental reason. Such reasons cannot bring us as near to God as does faith in one simple act. Let us seek Him often by faith. He is within us; do not seek Him elsewhere. We are rude and deserve blame if we leave Him alone in order to busy ourselves about trifles, which do not please Him and probably offend Him. We should fear these trifles; one day they will cost us dear.
Let us begin to be devoted to Him earnestly. Let us cast everything except what is eternal out of our hearts. He wants to possess them alone. Beg this favor of Him...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
return to me
the stars that were missing from last night's sky
have even now begun to return
slowly but surely
one
at
a
time.
have even now begun to return
slowly but surely
one
at
a
time.
stars
there were no stars out tonight.
they were clouded and blocked from my view
and even the moon had a pale color
lacking its usual fullness and vibrancy
amdist the stark contrast of the black night.
the confusion in the sky is my mirror
and where i once shone brightly
i fear i have failed
for there is no vision in these hours
there is no clarity.
and i do not know which way to turn
or where to look.
and i fear
in this
that i am alone.
they were clouded and blocked from my view
and even the moon had a pale color
lacking its usual fullness and vibrancy
amdist the stark contrast of the black night.
the confusion in the sky is my mirror
and where i once shone brightly
i fear i have failed
for there is no vision in these hours
there is no clarity.
and i do not know which way to turn
or where to look.
and i fear
in this
that i am alone.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
a poem
[i wrote this as a quick-write assignment for class this morning...nothing special, just thought i'd share it.]
Her Journey
As I was strolling 'long the sea
And wondering what was soon to be--
Where the future would lead me
I saw a whitewashed shell.
Studying the shell i found
Lines and creases up and down
Marks and scratches all around
The pretty whitewashed shell.
I fingered it within my hand
Imagining the places grand
Where on exotic beaches' sand
Had lain the whitewashed shell.
My thoughts then turned to my own life
The longings to be mother, wife
Exuberant joy amidst much strife,
Then I touched the whitewashed shell.
I too had travelled faraway places
Far and wide, I'd met fine faces
Often without leaving traces
Like the whitewashed shell.
But soon a smile crept 'cross my lips
Examing edges, middle, and tips
For I had swept through sea and trips
Just as the whitewashed shell.
Though weathered, beaten, sometimes worn
Yes, I survived the raging storms
And now felt safe, protected, warm
As had the whitewashed shell.
Tossed to and fro, but without breaking
One life to live and give, not taking
The watery waves were in me making
A steady whitewashed shell.
And though at first, it seemed so small
Yet every crack and every fall
Had grown me to stand straight and tall
The little whitewashed shell.
Was I faithful despite the beaches' shore
I'd washed upon, to show them more
To tell of love and hope in store
For me, the whitewashed shell.
And how it is not mine to hoard
But share my hope and Love adored
And watch as new lives in Him soared.....
Farewell, dear whitewashed shell.
Her Journey
As I was strolling 'long the sea
And wondering what was soon to be--
Where the future would lead me
I saw a whitewashed shell.
Studying the shell i found
Lines and creases up and down
Marks and scratches all around
The pretty whitewashed shell.
I fingered it within my hand
Imagining the places grand
Where on exotic beaches' sand
Had lain the whitewashed shell.
My thoughts then turned to my own life
The longings to be mother, wife
Exuberant joy amidst much strife,
Then I touched the whitewashed shell.
I too had travelled faraway places
Far and wide, I'd met fine faces
Often without leaving traces
Like the whitewashed shell.
But soon a smile crept 'cross my lips
Examing edges, middle, and tips
For I had swept through sea and trips
Just as the whitewashed shell.
Though weathered, beaten, sometimes worn
Yes, I survived the raging storms
And now felt safe, protected, warm
As had the whitewashed shell.
Tossed to and fro, but without breaking
One life to live and give, not taking
The watery waves were in me making
A steady whitewashed shell.
And though at first, it seemed so small
Yet every crack and every fall
Had grown me to stand straight and tall
The little whitewashed shell.
Was I faithful despite the beaches' shore
I'd washed upon, to show them more
To tell of love and hope in store
For me, the whitewashed shell.
And how it is not mine to hoard
But share my hope and Love adored
And watch as new lives in Him soared.....
Farewell, dear whitewashed shell.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
the house
dear 21156 placerita canyon road,
i think you are a beautiful house.
i walked by you this afternoon
and you stood so tall and regal
a hint of intimidation
but undoubtedly with secrets behind those big majestic doors.
i smiled and wished i could steal away inside
and explore each room
like a little girl
oh the stories you could tell
but as it was, i continued on my way
[your neighbors are also quite charming]
but if ever i write a story
you would be the perfect setting.
sincerely,
heather
i think you are a beautiful house.
i walked by you this afternoon
and you stood so tall and regal
a hint of intimidation
but undoubtedly with secrets behind those big majestic doors.
i smiled and wished i could steal away inside
and explore each room
like a little girl
oh the stories you could tell
but as it was, i continued on my way
[your neighbors are also quite charming]
but if ever i write a story
you would be the perfect setting.
sincerely,
heather
Monday, October 19, 2009
better
today was a little better.
thanks Lord for the hope you give me.
thanks for getting me through. :)
thanks Lord for the hope you give me.
thanks for getting me through. :)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
desperate
i am overwhelmed tonight
weighed down
convicted, sad, and teary-eyed
for many reasons tonight
after church tonight i cried
i am such a horrible person
so sinful and wicked, my heart is so deceptive
how can God use me?
i sat there
in the car
crying
wanting so much to "be a missionary"
but so many things stand in my way--
time, school, money, blah blah blah
i was overwhelmed because i just want to go
then i cried harder because of how evil my heart is
how can i want to go overseas when i can't control my life here?
and am i even supposed to control it? no! God is!
but i'm so awful at everything
i dont spend as much time in prayer as i should
especially praying for other people
and i dont spend as much time studying my bible as i should
not just reading it, but studying it
i'm a coward in telling others about Jesus here--
why would i be any different in another country?
and yet i want to go so badly--
is this wrong?
and i'm selfish and mean in my heart
i lose patience with others
i have a hard time forgiving
i let the little things get to me
i worry about stupid stupid things
i am stupid..
i'm not wise
i let my feelings overtake me
should i even be crying right now?
is it right or not?
i want to be married, but again,
it's such a selfish desire
i struggle back and forth
again and again
wanting to proclaim God's good news
that saves peoples lives
and wanting my own desires to be met
God be near and real to me now
i beg you
show me mercy, for i am a sinner
my life desperately needs you
God i dont want to go through this week
it's selfish of me and you know that
but show me what to do
change my heart God i plead with you!
i dont want to go to school
or the elementary classrooms
or work
or anything
i want to sit and talk to you and learn from you
all day long
but i cant
and i'm so torn
sing me to sleep tonight Lord
be me hope, my refuge, my masada
weighed down
convicted, sad, and teary-eyed
for many reasons tonight
after church tonight i cried
i am such a horrible person
so sinful and wicked, my heart is so deceptive
how can God use me?
i sat there
in the car
crying
wanting so much to "be a missionary"
but so many things stand in my way--
time, school, money, blah blah blah
i was overwhelmed because i just want to go
then i cried harder because of how evil my heart is
how can i want to go overseas when i can't control my life here?
and am i even supposed to control it? no! God is!
but i'm so awful at everything
i dont spend as much time in prayer as i should
especially praying for other people
and i dont spend as much time studying my bible as i should
not just reading it, but studying it
i'm a coward in telling others about Jesus here--
why would i be any different in another country?
and yet i want to go so badly--
is this wrong?
and i'm selfish and mean in my heart
i lose patience with others
i have a hard time forgiving
i let the little things get to me
i worry about stupid stupid things
i am stupid..
i'm not wise
i let my feelings overtake me
should i even be crying right now?
is it right or not?
i want to be married, but again,
it's such a selfish desire
i struggle back and forth
again and again
wanting to proclaim God's good news
that saves peoples lives
and wanting my own desires to be met
God be near and real to me now
i beg you
show me mercy, for i am a sinner
my life desperately needs you
God i dont want to go through this week
it's selfish of me and you know that
but show me what to do
change my heart God i plead with you!
i dont want to go to school
or the elementary classrooms
or work
or anything
i want to sit and talk to you and learn from you
all day long
but i cant
and i'm so torn
sing me to sleep tonight Lord
be me hope, my refuge, my masada
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
love the rain
i love the rain.
just love it.
love
love
love
that rain.
when it's pouring outside
and i'm inside
pressing my nose against the window pane
like a little girl again
just watching it.
somehow it inspires me
gives me hope
encouragement
a sense of wonder about life
and smiles
rain always brings a smile to my lips
gosh i just love the rain....
just love it.
love
love
love
that rain.
when it's pouring outside
and i'm inside
pressing my nose against the window pane
like a little girl again
just watching it.
somehow it inspires me
gives me hope
encouragement
a sense of wonder about life
and smiles
rain always brings a smile to my lips
gosh i just love the rain....
Monday, October 12, 2009
tired
its only monday and i'm completely exhausted. it was a good day, to be sure, but i am physically and mentally worn out. this morning i had the privilege of going to chapel at The Master's College, since observations are cancelled this week and it's the one time all semester that i'll have the chance to go....plus Abner Chou was speaking and of course i wasnt going to miss it. it was awesome, or rather i should say, God is awesome. psalm 71 hit home to me as a passage of encouragment...quite applicable even tonight i should say. a message of hope and the reminder that God is my "masada"--my fortress, my strong tower. reminds me of the long, strenuous hike up Masada that i climbed in Israel, and it makes it more real to me. like Abner said, the Romans had a really hard time conquering Masada from the Jews during the revolts in the first century, but how much greater strength does God have than this rock fortress that eventually was taken over.
leaving chapel, i headed to class, during which we all laughed together and shared funny teaching stories in the midst of class and group work...i love those girls. :)
after that, straight to work, teaching 2 back-to-back "American Girls" classes for 1st-4th grade girls. today i read while they painted, which worked out fairly well, though my voice was tired by the end of the 2 hours.
immediately after that, headed to my other job of tutoring, working with an 8th grade boy...[how do you motivate an 8th grade, school-hating boy to work hard and put his best into his schoolwork?!?] got out a little late, around 8:15pm, then drove home.
ate dinner at 9pm.
and now, catching up on emails and the little stuff, i start homework. i'm thankful i only have 1 assignment to work on this week, though it's a pretty big one and i have to submit it to the state by thursday.
all is good, but i won't lie. i'm really worn out tonight. very sore back from carrying a lot of stuff, and overall fatigue, but it's okay i suppose. i have psalm 71 on my mind. gives me another great reason to go to the Lord in prayer. :)
leaving chapel, i headed to class, during which we all laughed together and shared funny teaching stories in the midst of class and group work...i love those girls. :)
after that, straight to work, teaching 2 back-to-back "American Girls" classes for 1st-4th grade girls. today i read while they painted, which worked out fairly well, though my voice was tired by the end of the 2 hours.
immediately after that, headed to my other job of tutoring, working with an 8th grade boy...[how do you motivate an 8th grade, school-hating boy to work hard and put his best into his schoolwork?!?] got out a little late, around 8:15pm, then drove home.
ate dinner at 9pm.
and now, catching up on emails and the little stuff, i start homework. i'm thankful i only have 1 assignment to work on this week, though it's a pretty big one and i have to submit it to the state by thursday.
all is good, but i won't lie. i'm really worn out tonight. very sore back from carrying a lot of stuff, and overall fatigue, but it's okay i suppose. i have psalm 71 on my mind. gives me another great reason to go to the Lord in prayer. :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
cold
the weather's getting colder
and i love it
unpack the sweaters
and scarves
and hoodies
hot cups of apple cider and cocoa
warm blankets
and cozy fireplaces
it's one of the times of the year
when i feel safe, protected
when i can look out the wet windows
at the beautiful rain
and watch it fall fall fall
down down down
to make life grow grow grow
we dont always see the growth in the fall
but it comes
sure and steady
by the following springtime
and knowing this makes my heart want to burst
i cant express my joy tonight
knowing i'm safe and protected
knowing i can unwind and breathe out
and that there's One who listens
and speaks
....
waiting for me to listen back.
and i love it
unpack the sweaters
and scarves
and hoodies
hot cups of apple cider and cocoa
warm blankets
and cozy fireplaces
it's one of the times of the year
when i feel safe, protected
when i can look out the wet windows
at the beautiful rain
and watch it fall fall fall
down down down
to make life grow grow grow
we dont always see the growth in the fall
but it comes
sure and steady
by the following springtime
and knowing this makes my heart want to burst
i cant express my joy tonight
knowing i'm safe and protected
knowing i can unwind and breathe out
and that there's One who listens
and speaks
....
waiting for me to listen back.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
slow down
life...
the fast and furious
racing and speeding down the road
swerving around bends and corners
nonstop
moving
always
on
the
go.
where's the break pedal?
wont let it get outta control, which it isnt yet
but nevertheless
roll the window down
hair flying in your face
with shades on
and lipstick
headed down that road
and soaking in the view
of the world passing by.
watch out life, here i come.
the fast and furious
racing and speeding down the road
swerving around bends and corners
nonstop
moving
always
on
the
go.
where's the break pedal?
wont let it get outta control, which it isnt yet
but nevertheless
roll the window down
hair flying in your face
with shades on
and lipstick
headed down that road
and soaking in the view
of the world passing by.
watch out life, here i come.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
thanks God
so, to keep myself from complaining about today and the negative things that went on--which i'm sorely tempted to explain but won't--i decided to start listing all the positive things that went on or just things i'm thankful for today.
the sun, being able to pray, being able to express myself through tears at times, pictures and video clips of my adorable nephew Isaac, 2 year-old Alicia i live with and our new "hello" game, baby Abby's smiles when i say her name, being 2/3 done teaching unit lessons for the week, God's forgiveness of me, a loving text from Leanne, the Velveteen Rabbit book that Gramma Glenda gave to me to borrow, a working/reliable car, drinkable water with a straw, soup for dinner, my 2 new part-time jobs, the fact that i dont have to teach high school math, the fact that i finished homework before 10pm tonight, comfy jeans, the note sitting on my desk from little 2nd grade Cristina, a 100% on a lesson plan i wrote for class, Nicole Nordeman's album "This Mystery," the anticipation of autumn, thoughts about my family, a tall nonfat iced white mocha from starbucks between classes today, a new study to go through on missions and thought-provoking questions about that, a short facebook post from Adrienne saying she's praying for me, being able to laugh with my professors, peanut M&Ms that were passed around in class, the encouragement of having given a non-believing family in my life a flyer for a church bbq/community day, a short conversation with a caf worker in the bathroom, the fact that i dont have to take my heavy computer to school tomorrow, 4 pillows to prop up against while studying, the healing that God's been doing in my heart both from pain and bitterness, a catchy song from Disney's "Anastasia", the fact that i didnt get sick from the people i live with who were sick yesterday, saying hi to the librarian, the thought of some dear friends of mine even though i havent talked to them in a while, the way the flickering lightbulb in my room stayed on while i was reading instead of turning off randomly, the ability to sit and rest my body physically, the way Terah did my dinner dishes for me, my name which i love, the knowledge that i'm going to call my mom tomorrow and see how she's doing, a solid education, the ability to take contacts out at night to give my eyes a break, God's intense love for me, a marked-up and note-filled Bible that i love and want to keep studying, the fact that i got to talk about the book of Job with the non-Christian boy i tutor, an air-conditioned house,
and i'm pretty sure i could keep going.
but for now i'm going to pack a lunch for tomorrow
and go to bed. :)
the sun, being able to pray, being able to express myself through tears at times, pictures and video clips of my adorable nephew Isaac, 2 year-old Alicia i live with and our new "hello" game, baby Abby's smiles when i say her name, being 2/3 done teaching unit lessons for the week, God's forgiveness of me, a loving text from Leanne, the Velveteen Rabbit book that Gramma Glenda gave to me to borrow, a working/reliable car, drinkable water with a straw, soup for dinner, my 2 new part-time jobs, the fact that i dont have to teach high school math, the fact that i finished homework before 10pm tonight, comfy jeans, the note sitting on my desk from little 2nd grade Cristina, a 100% on a lesson plan i wrote for class, Nicole Nordeman's album "This Mystery," the anticipation of autumn, thoughts about my family, a tall nonfat iced white mocha from starbucks between classes today, a new study to go through on missions and thought-provoking questions about that, a short facebook post from Adrienne saying she's praying for me, being able to laugh with my professors, peanut M&Ms that were passed around in class, the encouragement of having given a non-believing family in my life a flyer for a church bbq/community day, a short conversation with a caf worker in the bathroom, the fact that i dont have to take my heavy computer to school tomorrow, 4 pillows to prop up against while studying, the healing that God's been doing in my heart both from pain and bitterness, a catchy song from Disney's "Anastasia", the fact that i didnt get sick from the people i live with who were sick yesterday, saying hi to the librarian, the thought of some dear friends of mine even though i havent talked to them in a while, the way the flickering lightbulb in my room stayed on while i was reading instead of turning off randomly, the ability to sit and rest my body physically, the way Terah did my dinner dishes for me, my name which i love, the knowledge that i'm going to call my mom tomorrow and see how she's doing, a solid education, the ability to take contacts out at night to give my eyes a break, God's intense love for me, a marked-up and note-filled Bible that i love and want to keep studying, the fact that i got to talk about the book of Job with the non-Christian boy i tutor, an air-conditioned house,
and i'm pretty sure i could keep going.
but for now i'm going to pack a lunch for tomorrow
and go to bed. :)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
lots to do but no complaints
many things--some important, some urgent, some aggravating
pressing for my time and interest
but what i want to do most
in this moment
is to grab my bible and journal
and head out to a quiet park
and pour out all the thoughts swirling in my head
missions
family
teaching
traveling
emotions
work
church
classes
friends
prayer
each having so much to talk about, so much to fill the pages with
but it must wait for now
perhaps til the weekend
when i can write to my heart's content
and not be thinking of 8 other things at the same time
mmm.....come soon, bright morning
i'm waiting to meet you
and tell you about my little life here on earth. :)
pressing for my time and interest
but what i want to do most
in this moment
is to grab my bible and journal
and head out to a quiet park
and pour out all the thoughts swirling in my head
missions
family
teaching
traveling
emotions
work
church
classes
friends
prayer
each having so much to talk about, so much to fill the pages with
but it must wait for now
perhaps til the weekend
when i can write to my heart's content
and not be thinking of 8 other things at the same time
mmm.....come soon, bright morning
i'm waiting to meet you
and tell you about my little life here on earth. :)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
real joy
some days you're filled with happiness
not the kind that depends on circumstances
because nothing out of the ordinary happened today
but the kind that comes from inside
the kind that's thankful for pink roses and little ladybugs
the kind that makes you want to smile at the checkout lady at the grocery store
and ask her how her day was
joy that gives you energy to keep going
and enjoy the journey, not just survive it
i love the days
when you can go on and on about the blessings in life
like a new baby nephew
caring, genuine friends who call at 8:26pm to set up a lunch date
or who will chat with you online
though you're both supposed to be doing hw
goodnight hugs and big squinty smiles from a 2 year old
or a book on prayer
and the realization that life is short
and each day is a gift that shouldnt be wasted
on worrying or stressing
there's enough of that in the world
but for me, well....i'd rather laugh and smile tonight.
not the kind that depends on circumstances
because nothing out of the ordinary happened today
but the kind that comes from inside
the kind that's thankful for pink roses and little ladybugs
the kind that makes you want to smile at the checkout lady at the grocery store
and ask her how her day was
joy that gives you energy to keep going
and enjoy the journey, not just survive it
i love the days
when you can go on and on about the blessings in life
like a new baby nephew
caring, genuine friends who call at 8:26pm to set up a lunch date
or who will chat with you online
though you're both supposed to be doing hw
goodnight hugs and big squinty smiles from a 2 year old
or a book on prayer
and the realization that life is short
and each day is a gift that shouldnt be wasted
on worrying or stressing
there's enough of that in the world
but for me, well....i'd rather laugh and smile tonight.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
one kiss
Welcome boys and girls to the first day of Second Grade!
I smiled as twenty little six- and seven-year-olds filed in the classroom and found the desks with their names on them.
I am your teacher this year...My name is Mrs. M--- and this is my assistant Miss Olewiler who will be helping in our class for several weeks....
To watch their adorable little faces was so precious. Some more confidant than others, knowing they were now in 2nd grade, not first, others still a little timid of the new situation, and a few just taking in all the colorful posters, decorations, and materials around the room.
I love elementary grade classrooms. And someday soon I hope to have my own (kinda strange that the teacher standing at the front of the room could potentially be me next year, if I can get a job immediately after this year of credentialing--imagine...1 year from now!). Being with the second graders today reminded me how much I love children and teaching. I know people who do not have a passion for either of these and that's okay, but I'm so thankful God has blessed and encouraged me in my love for teaching kids. It is such a beautiful joy to be able to contribute to the learning processes of helping these little ones grow and mature to someday be future world leaders and world changers...to know that God humbly allowed me to be a part of their character development. Sure, the classroom's not a perfect place, and teaching sure isn't a perfect job--ask any teacher you know! Sure it's a huge responsibility and at times quite intimidating, but the hard days and long nights of lesson planning and preparation are so worth the little smiles they flash back at you, the knowledge that you did your best to positively influence them towards a life of integrity and learning.
But even more than wanting to be a teacher, I can't wait to be Mommy.
Arriving home this evening and not having any homework to do yet, I spent some time playing with the 2 year old and 4 month old--such precious little girls, full of vibrancy and life, even when Alicia disobeys and gets punished or when Abby cries her little eyes out. ;)
Despite the darling second graders this morning and playing with the girls this evening, nothing made my heart long for motherhood more than Alicia's comment to her mom...
"But Mommy wait, I gotta give Heather a g'nite kiss!" And she pitter-pattered her little feet over to my chair, planting a big (somewhat slobbery) kiss on my cheek.
Just one little kiss...a genuine, loving kiss from a 2 year old girl who has barely known me a week and yet can't forget to give me a goodnight kiss before bedtime. Gosh, that tugs at my heartstrings like nothing else...
No I'm not coveting what other women have that I don't have, though I admit I've been at that point before in my life. But it truly excites me to look forward to being Mommy and training my own little ones...to read them Bible stories and sing with them and pray before bedtime, as Alicia does each night with her parents.
Thank you Lord for making me a woman and for cultivating that love for the beautiful little ones you've made....with your guidance in my life, let me be someone who loves them as you do so I can ultimately point them to you.
I smiled as twenty little six- and seven-year-olds filed in the classroom and found the desks with their names on them.
I am your teacher this year...My name is Mrs. M--- and this is my assistant Miss Olewiler who will be helping in our class for several weeks....
To watch their adorable little faces was so precious. Some more confidant than others, knowing they were now in 2nd grade, not first, others still a little timid of the new situation, and a few just taking in all the colorful posters, decorations, and materials around the room.
I love elementary grade classrooms. And someday soon I hope to have my own (kinda strange that the teacher standing at the front of the room could potentially be me next year, if I can get a job immediately after this year of credentialing--imagine...1 year from now!). Being with the second graders today reminded me how much I love children and teaching. I know people who do not have a passion for either of these and that's okay, but I'm so thankful God has blessed and encouraged me in my love for teaching kids. It is such a beautiful joy to be able to contribute to the learning processes of helping these little ones grow and mature to someday be future world leaders and world changers...to know that God humbly allowed me to be a part of their character development. Sure, the classroom's not a perfect place, and teaching sure isn't a perfect job--ask any teacher you know! Sure it's a huge responsibility and at times quite intimidating, but the hard days and long nights of lesson planning and preparation are so worth the little smiles they flash back at you, the knowledge that you did your best to positively influence them towards a life of integrity and learning.
But even more than wanting to be a teacher, I can't wait to be Mommy.
Arriving home this evening and not having any homework to do yet, I spent some time playing with the 2 year old and 4 month old--such precious little girls, full of vibrancy and life, even when Alicia disobeys and gets punished or when Abby cries her little eyes out. ;)
Despite the darling second graders this morning and playing with the girls this evening, nothing made my heart long for motherhood more than Alicia's comment to her mom...
"But Mommy wait, I gotta give Heather a g'nite kiss!" And she pitter-pattered her little feet over to my chair, planting a big (somewhat slobbery) kiss on my cheek.
Just one little kiss...a genuine, loving kiss from a 2 year old girl who has barely known me a week and yet can't forget to give me a goodnight kiss before bedtime. Gosh, that tugs at my heartstrings like nothing else...
No I'm not coveting what other women have that I don't have, though I admit I've been at that point before in my life. But it truly excites me to look forward to being Mommy and training my own little ones...to read them Bible stories and sing with them and pray before bedtime, as Alicia does each night with her parents.
Thank you Lord for making me a woman and for cultivating that love for the beautiful little ones you've made....with your guidance in my life, let me be someone who loves them as you do so I can ultimately point them to you.
Monday, August 10, 2009
2 year old alicia
...sitting at the dinner table tonight....
mark: alicia, what's your full name?
alicia: alicia madrid!
mark: and who's that?
alicia: abby madrid!
mark: and who's that?
alicia: mommy madrid!
mark: and who am i?
alicia: daddy madrid!
mark: and who's sitting next to you?
[alicia looks at me and tilts her head sideways]
me: is my name joe?
alicia: noo.....
me: is it fred?
alicia: noo....
me: is it steve?
alicia: uh....[tilts her head again, looking very serious] is it steve?
me: no! what is it?
alicia: uh....heather madrid!
mark: alicia, what's your full name?
alicia: alicia madrid!
mark: and who's that?
alicia: abby madrid!
mark: and who's that?
alicia: mommy madrid!
mark: and who am i?
alicia: daddy madrid!
mark: and who's sitting next to you?
[alicia looks at me and tilts her head sideways]
me: is my name joe?
alicia: noo.....
me: is it fred?
alicia: noo....
me: is it steve?
alicia: uh....[tilts her head again, looking very serious] is it steve?
me: no! what is it?
alicia: uh....heather madrid!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
barnabus
a sweet friend told me that i've been her "barnabus" this week.
so i think i'm going to study him and see what he was all about. i have an idea, but i want to learn more.
so i shall. and i'll write about him when i've learned more. :)
so i think i'm going to study him and see what he was all about. i have an idea, but i want to learn more.
so i shall. and i'll write about him when i've learned more. :)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
one of my favorite hymns
be thou my vision o Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me, save that thou art
thou my best comfort by day or by night
waking or sleeping, they presence my light.
be thou my wisdom and thou my true word
i ever with thee and thou with me Lord
thou my great Father, i thy true son
thou in me dwelling and i with thee one.
be thou my battleshield, sword for the fight
be thou my dignity, thou my delight
thou my soul's shelter, thou my high Tower
raise thou me heavenward o Power of my power.
riches i heed not, nor man's empty praise
thou my inheritance now and always
thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art
High King of heaven thy victory won
may i reach heaven's joys, o bright heaven's sun
heart of my own heart whatever befall
still be my vision, o Ruler of all.
naught be all else to me, save that thou art
thou my best comfort by day or by night
waking or sleeping, they presence my light.
be thou my wisdom and thou my true word
i ever with thee and thou with me Lord
thou my great Father, i thy true son
thou in me dwelling and i with thee one.
be thou my battleshield, sword for the fight
be thou my dignity, thou my delight
thou my soul's shelter, thou my high Tower
raise thou me heavenward o Power of my power.
riches i heed not, nor man's empty praise
thou my inheritance now and always
thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art
High King of heaven thy victory won
may i reach heaven's joys, o bright heaven's sun
heart of my own heart whatever befall
still be my vision, o Ruler of all.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
saturday
so i've kinda had this "craving" to travel again, go overseas or cross-culturally and minister to other people, meeting their needs and telling them about God's love. i miss the thrill, the excitement, the adventure, the challenges, the spiritual growth God brings, and the faces of those who need God's forgiveness and truth.
well, being at home all summer long, i havent really had a chance to travel...and though i was planning on working as much as i was able to, God didnt plan on me having a summer job...which makes traveling on my own a lot harder.
but anyways, God was so kind yesterday and gave me a few small opportunity to minister to others without leaving the country. the night before (friday), some international friends of mine were on their way to yosemite national park and their car broke down about 20 minutes from my house. three of them spent the night and my family was able to help them fix the car the next morning. then later on saturday morning i met with a girl who was new to the city and didnt know many people, and we ended up spending over 2 hours chatting at starbucks. i was so surprised that she opened up so much and was willing to just let me listen and ask questions and talk, and she's excited to hang out more. finally, in late afternoon, i went with my parents and cousin downtown to a park where a bunch of people from church were helping serve dinner and talk about the gospel of Christ to the poor, homeless, and people off the streets. i helped with the kids section, supervising the waterslide (which they loved) and talking to some of the kids. i could tell that it really meant a lot to them to be encouraged by name and to have fun with an "adult," and it also reminded me of how much i just love children. :) after that i got to talk and pray with some of the adults that were from the neighborhood.
thanks Lord for these seemingly small situations in life that you gave me to serve you. i hope i was a faithful representation of you.
...for whatever you did for the least of these, you did it for Me...
~Jesus
well, being at home all summer long, i havent really had a chance to travel...and though i was planning on working as much as i was able to, God didnt plan on me having a summer job...which makes traveling on my own a lot harder.
but anyways, God was so kind yesterday and gave me a few small opportunity to minister to others without leaving the country. the night before (friday), some international friends of mine were on their way to yosemite national park and their car broke down about 20 minutes from my house. three of them spent the night and my family was able to help them fix the car the next morning. then later on saturday morning i met with a girl who was new to the city and didnt know many people, and we ended up spending over 2 hours chatting at starbucks. i was so surprised that she opened up so much and was willing to just let me listen and ask questions and talk, and she's excited to hang out more. finally, in late afternoon, i went with my parents and cousin downtown to a park where a bunch of people from church were helping serve dinner and talk about the gospel of Christ to the poor, homeless, and people off the streets. i helped with the kids section, supervising the waterslide (which they loved) and talking to some of the kids. i could tell that it really meant a lot to them to be encouraged by name and to have fun with an "adult," and it also reminded me of how much i just love children. :) after that i got to talk and pray with some of the adults that were from the neighborhood.
thanks Lord for these seemingly small situations in life that you gave me to serve you. i hope i was a faithful representation of you.
...for whatever you did for the least of these, you did it for Me...
~Jesus
Friday, July 10, 2009
I AM
I AM the bread of life, he said to me. internalize Me and depend on Me for sustenance to live.
I AM the light of the world, he said to me. let Me illuminate your life and show you the way.
I AM the door of the sheep, he said to me. come to Me and I will guard you and keep you safe from harm.
I AM the good shepherd, he said to me. let Me lead you and guide you and care for you with tenderness and love.
I AM the resurrection and the life, he said to me. through Me you will find the life that never dies.
I AM the way and the truth and the life, he said to me. follow Me and I will reveal the only path of true wisdom.
I AM the true vine, he said to me. stay attached to Me as My branch and I will produce growth in you.
Jesus I love you....so very much. :)
[John 6:35, 8:12, 10:7,11, 11:25, 14:6, 15:1]
I AM the light of the world, he said to me. let Me illuminate your life and show you the way.
I AM the door of the sheep, he said to me. come to Me and I will guard you and keep you safe from harm.
I AM the good shepherd, he said to me. let Me lead you and guide you and care for you with tenderness and love.
I AM the resurrection and the life, he said to me. through Me you will find the life that never dies.
I AM the way and the truth and the life, he said to me. follow Me and I will reveal the only path of true wisdom.
I AM the true vine, he said to me. stay attached to Me as My branch and I will produce growth in you.
Jesus I love you....so very much. :)
[John 6:35, 8:12, 10:7,11, 11:25, 14:6, 15:1]
Monday, June 29, 2009
heavy
my heart is heavy with emotions right now. weighed down by everything and nothing.
anger
resentment
grief
sadness
fear
loneliness
pain
truth
frustration
questioning
doubt
anxiety
worry
stress
defeat
failure
crushed beyond repair
lack of hope
no desire to go on
dead
remembering
clinging to promises knowing that i will surely die otherwise
comfort
more questioning...why? how?
knowledge of truth
peace
choked joy, trying to surface
security
reverance
believing, yet not understanding
desiring His ways over mine
love
forgiveness
humility
relentless passion
finitude
trust
naiive
craving more truth
contentment
gratitude
peace
all at the same time, all swirling together, all vying for my attention. oh GOD i need you!
anger
resentment
grief
sadness
fear
loneliness
pain
truth
frustration
questioning
doubt
anxiety
worry
stress
defeat
failure
crushed beyond repair
lack of hope
no desire to go on
dead
remembering
clinging to promises knowing that i will surely die otherwise
comfort
more questioning...why? how?
knowledge of truth
peace
choked joy, trying to surface
security
reverance
believing, yet not understanding
desiring His ways over mine
love
forgiveness
humility
relentless passion
finitude
trust
naiive
craving more truth
contentment
gratitude
peace
all at the same time, all swirling together, all vying for my attention. oh GOD i need you!
psalm 119: tet
You have dealt well with Your servant, O LORD, according to Your word.
Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Your commandments.
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word.
You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes.
The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts.
Their heart is covered with fat, but I delight in Your law.
It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.
The law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces.
Each of these verses (119:65-72) begin with the hebrew letter Teth, but i wasn't able to post it in hebrew to show that.
Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Your commandments.
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word.
You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes.
The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts.
Their heart is covered with fat, but I delight in Your law.
It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.
The law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces.
Each of these verses (119:65-72) begin with the hebrew letter Teth, but i wasn't able to post it in hebrew to show that.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Grace
Grace is 8 or 9 years old. She doesn't have any brothers or sisters. She has medium length straight brown hair and a shy smile. She's in my 3rd grade Sunday school class. And she's about to lose her daddy.
Little Grace's dad had 2 massive strokes, 1 right after the other, about 2 weeks ago and had to be induced into a coma because of the huge amount of blood resulting from brain damage. I don't know all the correct terminology, but I was told that Grace's mom is going to have to make a decision really soon of whether or not to pull him from life support.
My heart just ached for Grace when I heard that.
On Sunday--Father's Day--Grace showed up with the other 3rd graders. During the morning, as we moved rooms from the memory verse to singing to a Bible story lesson to a craft, we talked about God's power and how we can resist our sin and our adversary the devil by trusting in God's strength. Jesus is our Comforter and our Protector when difficult situations around us seem impossible to escape from.
I noticed Grace was holding a homemade card and I asked her about it. She said another little girl in the class had made it to give to her daddy who was sick, but not til yesterday did I learn more details of how serious it was.
What a precious blessing Grace's mom has in the form of her daughter. A beautiful, sweet, gentle, and caring daughter. A little girl named Grace. How fitting, as this woman is losing her husband, being left to care for their only child alone. (Grace, apparently, was a miracle baby because her parents couldn't get pregnant for the longest time, and her parents are in their 50s). But the point is that God is the giver of all grace, and he has given much to this hurting family. This is probably one of the hardest things they have ever had to deal with in life so far (especially for a 9 year old), and yet our Father in heaven promises to never leave our side and to always be there for us in times of trial.
Father...be ever-present as Grace loses her earthly father. Keep her safe in your arms and comfort her little heart as her mom tells her what's going on with daddy. Bless this family with your grace and your peace that goes beyond what we understand. Let them rely on you to sustain them, and comfort them with your Word the way only you can. Remind us to live each day, each moment for you, since we never know when you will take your children home.
Little Grace's dad had 2 massive strokes, 1 right after the other, about 2 weeks ago and had to be induced into a coma because of the huge amount of blood resulting from brain damage. I don't know all the correct terminology, but I was told that Grace's mom is going to have to make a decision really soon of whether or not to pull him from life support.
My heart just ached for Grace when I heard that.
On Sunday--Father's Day--Grace showed up with the other 3rd graders. During the morning, as we moved rooms from the memory verse to singing to a Bible story lesson to a craft, we talked about God's power and how we can resist our sin and our adversary the devil by trusting in God's strength. Jesus is our Comforter and our Protector when difficult situations around us seem impossible to escape from.
I noticed Grace was holding a homemade card and I asked her about it. She said another little girl in the class had made it to give to her daddy who was sick, but not til yesterday did I learn more details of how serious it was.
What a precious blessing Grace's mom has in the form of her daughter. A beautiful, sweet, gentle, and caring daughter. A little girl named Grace. How fitting, as this woman is losing her husband, being left to care for their only child alone. (Grace, apparently, was a miracle baby because her parents couldn't get pregnant for the longest time, and her parents are in their 50s). But the point is that God is the giver of all grace, and he has given much to this hurting family. This is probably one of the hardest things they have ever had to deal with in life so far (especially for a 9 year old), and yet our Father in heaven promises to never leave our side and to always be there for us in times of trial.
Father...be ever-present as Grace loses her earthly father. Keep her safe in your arms and comfort her little heart as her mom tells her what's going on with daddy. Bless this family with your grace and your peace that goes beyond what we understand. Let them rely on you to sustain them, and comfort them with your Word the way only you can. Remind us to live each day, each moment for you, since we never know when you will take your children home.
Friday, June 19, 2009
grandma
today i spent several solid hours cleaning my grandma's house. earlier is better for her because later in the day she gets headaches and has to lay down, being too worn out to do much. my uncle and his 5 year old daughter live there too, so i actually was "cinderella's maid," while my cousin dragged her dolls and toys around the house, begging for attention. kinda funny how you can (sometimes) convince kids that work can be fun. so while "cinderella" rode the train back and forth from the living room to the front room, i cleaned, occasionally stopping to get on the couch--i mean the train--for the next stop. we even had a tea party for lunch and i got to talk to her about Jesus, which i was really excited about, though she didn't have much interest.
anyways, as i washed windows and vacuumed cobwebs and scrubbed floors, i thought about my grandma. my grandma's a talker and an actress, a country gal and a movie star. she's stubborn but generous. she worries a lot. she loves chocolate and coke. she's the center of attention, and yet i think she's still very lonely at times. she's talked before about how she "goes to church" and "prays every night for so-and-so's life because it's so messed up," but i wonder if she really understood today when we talked about the heart and how God sees and knows our deepest thoughts and motivations and desires. i often get the feeling that that's fine for you but i'm comfortable in my religion the way it is. her words and actions contradict each other all the time, and i wish so much that she would give her life to Jesus. i'm not the one to judge her relationship with Christ, but it is evident that she's searching for something more to life--she's just not sure if she wants to accept the cold hard truth. the truth that Jesus stated over and over again, so clearly: there's only one way to be saved and that's by surrendering to him, by giving our lives to him.
sometimes when i'm over there at her house, i get angry in my heart. i become bitter inside, wishing she would stand up when she's being taken advantage of and see the reality of situations or decisions. i think to myself, God why cant she see how stupid that is? why is it so hard for her to accept this? wont you please break her pride and show her how wrong she is?
but today, i wasnt angry or bitter. i was saddened and burdened for her. i may only have a few more years with my grandma and then she might be gone forever...like, forever. and only the Lord knows where her heart's truly at. but i almost teared up today because my grandma just doesn't get it. everytime i clean for her, she always has to pay me or compensate somehow. as i was leaving, she pressed a check into my hands saying "you deserve this--now don't you argue with me." and i looked back at her and said, "grandma, the next time i come over i dont want you to pay me. i want to do this for free. because i'm your granddaughter and i love you." she has such a hard time accepting something free, and i think it's much the same way with Jesus. it's too hard to imagine Someone giving up their life for me--a rotten sinful person--so there must be something i can do to make up for it. something to balance it out, to make me feel better about it, something that i am responsible to do in order to gain the promise of eternal life.
no dear grandma, it's free.
forgiving and sacrificing Abba, grant me more compassion for my grandma. change my heart of frustration to one of love and service, even when she doesn't understand. Abba please, please change her...save her soul and call her your daughter. enlighten her heart to see you for who you really are. break the pride that's keeping her from accepting your mercy and grace. you know her better than anyone else knows her, better than she knows herself. peel away the layers that are trying to keep you out God, and renew her. let me be faithful to check on her more often and see how she's doing spiritually, and pray for her every day. create compassion in me for her, Abba, and a deep desire to give you praise, no matter what happens.
anyways, as i washed windows and vacuumed cobwebs and scrubbed floors, i thought about my grandma. my grandma's a talker and an actress, a country gal and a movie star. she's stubborn but generous. she worries a lot. she loves chocolate and coke. she's the center of attention, and yet i think she's still very lonely at times. she's talked before about how she "goes to church" and "prays every night for so-and-so's life because it's so messed up," but i wonder if she really understood today when we talked about the heart and how God sees and knows our deepest thoughts and motivations and desires. i often get the feeling that that's fine for you but i'm comfortable in my religion the way it is. her words and actions contradict each other all the time, and i wish so much that she would give her life to Jesus. i'm not the one to judge her relationship with Christ, but it is evident that she's searching for something more to life--she's just not sure if she wants to accept the cold hard truth. the truth that Jesus stated over and over again, so clearly: there's only one way to be saved and that's by surrendering to him, by giving our lives to him.
sometimes when i'm over there at her house, i get angry in my heart. i become bitter inside, wishing she would stand up when she's being taken advantage of and see the reality of situations or decisions. i think to myself, God why cant she see how stupid that is? why is it so hard for her to accept this? wont you please break her pride and show her how wrong she is?
but today, i wasnt angry or bitter. i was saddened and burdened for her. i may only have a few more years with my grandma and then she might be gone forever...like, forever. and only the Lord knows where her heart's truly at. but i almost teared up today because my grandma just doesn't get it. everytime i clean for her, she always has to pay me or compensate somehow. as i was leaving, she pressed a check into my hands saying "you deserve this--now don't you argue with me." and i looked back at her and said, "grandma, the next time i come over i dont want you to pay me. i want to do this for free. because i'm your granddaughter and i love you." she has such a hard time accepting something free, and i think it's much the same way with Jesus. it's too hard to imagine Someone giving up their life for me--a rotten sinful person--so there must be something i can do to make up for it. something to balance it out, to make me feel better about it, something that i am responsible to do in order to gain the promise of eternal life.
no dear grandma, it's free.
forgiving and sacrificing Abba, grant me more compassion for my grandma. change my heart of frustration to one of love and service, even when she doesn't understand. Abba please, please change her...save her soul and call her your daughter. enlighten her heart to see you for who you really are. break the pride that's keeping her from accepting your mercy and grace. you know her better than anyone else knows her, better than she knows herself. peel away the layers that are trying to keep you out God, and renew her. let me be faithful to check on her more often and see how she's doing spiritually, and pray for her every day. create compassion in me for her, Abba, and a deep desire to give you praise, no matter what happens.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
extras in life
it's so easy to lose sight of the fact that life is not about me. as i go through the day i think about myself, my desires, my future...seldom do i stop and try to grasp how wonderful God is or think about the amazing ways he displays himself. "oh sure God, yeah i read this part of the bible when i was in israel so i totally know what it's talking about here. i dont really need to focus on it right now." i read the bible and pray so selfishly, only asking for my own requests or for God to answer something the way i want him to, walking away thinking how i need to change something, then totally forget about it 2 minutes later.
but no...life's not about me. i'm just an "extra" in life, when God is the main character, the hero, the one to beat all odds. true--a loved and cherished "extra," one who was given a purpose in life. but definitely not the main character (at privileged times i'm aware of how thankful i am that i'm not). i sure have a habit of making a mess of things. and yet i still continue to act like I'm the one in charge, I'm the authority, I deserve sympathy, my needs are more important than someone else's.
what in the world am i thinking?? God allowed his Son--his only Son--to be murdered so that i would be saved from the wrath of God against my awful, horrid sin. how dare i stand up to him and say that i know better than he does! how dare i tell the Director how to run things when all i get is a 2 second shot in the background of God's masterpiece production...life is fragile and short. much shorter than we imagine or actually believe. we think we're so much more important than we really are. and yes, we're important to God, but it's not our business to boast of ourselves when we owe everything to him.
i've been so humbled lately by how much i dont know, how helpless i am on my own, how vast the knowledge and character of God are. there are days when i just want to spend all my time reading his precious words to me and soaking them in and treasuring them. i panic, thinking i wont have enough time to finish studying everything during however many years i have left on earth. and no, i wont. i never will truly, fully, completely understand until the days of heaven.
but oh precious Father teach me to remember my frailty before you--that You are to be praised and magnified and lifted up and honored and glorified through my life. no matter what joys or sorrows i go through, they're all still in that tiny 2 second shot and dont compare to you. let me reflect you in all things. while i'm washing my face in the morning, cleaning the house, washing dishes, making phone calls, driving in the car, talking to my sisters, sending emails, making dinner, lying on my bed at night trying to fall asleep. please oh Father, let my life point to yours only, not my own.
but no...life's not about me. i'm just an "extra" in life, when God is the main character, the hero, the one to beat all odds. true--a loved and cherished "extra," one who was given a purpose in life. but definitely not the main character (at privileged times i'm aware of how thankful i am that i'm not). i sure have a habit of making a mess of things. and yet i still continue to act like I'm the one in charge, I'm the authority, I deserve sympathy, my needs are more important than someone else's.
what in the world am i thinking?? God allowed his Son--his only Son--to be murdered so that i would be saved from the wrath of God against my awful, horrid sin. how dare i stand up to him and say that i know better than he does! how dare i tell the Director how to run things when all i get is a 2 second shot in the background of God's masterpiece production...life is fragile and short. much shorter than we imagine or actually believe. we think we're so much more important than we really are. and yes, we're important to God, but it's not our business to boast of ourselves when we owe everything to him.
i've been so humbled lately by how much i dont know, how helpless i am on my own, how vast the knowledge and character of God are. there are days when i just want to spend all my time reading his precious words to me and soaking them in and treasuring them. i panic, thinking i wont have enough time to finish studying everything during however many years i have left on earth. and no, i wont. i never will truly, fully, completely understand until the days of heaven.
but oh precious Father teach me to remember my frailty before you--that You are to be praised and magnified and lifted up and honored and glorified through my life. no matter what joys or sorrows i go through, they're all still in that tiny 2 second shot and dont compare to you. let me reflect you in all things. while i'm washing my face in the morning, cleaning the house, washing dishes, making phone calls, driving in the car, talking to my sisters, sending emails, making dinner, lying on my bed at night trying to fall asleep. please oh Father, let my life point to yours only, not my own.
Monday, June 15, 2009
pain
it's so hard to breathe right now God...keep me safe through the night. take the pain and let me breathe.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
pride
i disgust myself sometimes. the pride i find in who i am or who i'm not, what i believe or dont believe, and why or why not...it's seriously just gross. i was reminded of this horrible, nasty pride tonight after going to a girls bible study through my church.
i've told my parents and several friends from college that as i go home this summer, i feel like "i dont have any friends back home." my closest friends as well as everyone else i stay in contact with are all pretty much from college, and i only communicate regularly with 1 girlfriend from way back when (who i get to see saturday after months, yay). but everyone else it seems has gone a different path in life, or just doesnt cross schedules and 'groups' with mine anymore. and so this seemingly believable lie has crept into my thinking, making me too prideful to even consider making friends in my hometown, because "i'll be leaving in a few months anyways so why bother?"
how sick is that?? i thought about the girls at the bible study tonight and to be honest, my initial reaction when i arrived was "well they're nice girls but i dont think i'll ever really know them that well...i mean, they're not really my kind of people." well as i brushed my teeth tonight i thought, "would Jesus ever say that? would he refuse to open up and be himself and get to know others because he had a limited amount of time with them, or because they just werent his kind of people?"
sure i may not know them well. sure i'm only home for 2 more months until i leave again. but does that give me any excuse to not be a friend to others? it's kinda funny too, because several of the girls i chatted with are also "home for the summer," so i wonder how many of them feel the same way (they're all, by the way, sweet and friendly girls). who cares about all those stupid excuses! the point is that my attitude of pride and selfishness and self-pity have warped my view of the truth. and the truth is that no matter who they are--followers of Jesus or not, loveable people or not, people like me or not--i'm called (and privileged) to love them as Jesus does. [not that i have a particular dislike for anyone, but more that i realize i am to love others because of the love God has shown me].
God, there are so many problems with me. i have so many faults and failures, but i thank you again tonight for revealing another one in a gentle yet humbling way for me to see. thank you for not just showing me my sin, but for showing me the right response. as our study this summer is on your "crazy love" for us, i ask you would bless me with the ability and desire to love others without showing favoritism or prejudice. thanks for giving me a chance to start fresh in the morning. i love you Lord. :)
i've told my parents and several friends from college that as i go home this summer, i feel like "i dont have any friends back home." my closest friends as well as everyone else i stay in contact with are all pretty much from college, and i only communicate regularly with 1 girlfriend from way back when (who i get to see saturday after months, yay). but everyone else it seems has gone a different path in life, or just doesnt cross schedules and 'groups' with mine anymore. and so this seemingly believable lie has crept into my thinking, making me too prideful to even consider making friends in my hometown, because "i'll be leaving in a few months anyways so why bother?"
how sick is that?? i thought about the girls at the bible study tonight and to be honest, my initial reaction when i arrived was "well they're nice girls but i dont think i'll ever really know them that well...i mean, they're not really my kind of people." well as i brushed my teeth tonight i thought, "would Jesus ever say that? would he refuse to open up and be himself and get to know others because he had a limited amount of time with them, or because they just werent his kind of people?"
sure i may not know them well. sure i'm only home for 2 more months until i leave again. but does that give me any excuse to not be a friend to others? it's kinda funny too, because several of the girls i chatted with are also "home for the summer," so i wonder how many of them feel the same way (they're all, by the way, sweet and friendly girls). who cares about all those stupid excuses! the point is that my attitude of pride and selfishness and self-pity have warped my view of the truth. and the truth is that no matter who they are--followers of Jesus or not, loveable people or not, people like me or not--i'm called (and privileged) to love them as Jesus does. [not that i have a particular dislike for anyone, but more that i realize i am to love others because of the love God has shown me].
God, there are so many problems with me. i have so many faults and failures, but i thank you again tonight for revealing another one in a gentle yet humbling way for me to see. thank you for not just showing me my sin, but for showing me the right response. as our study this summer is on your "crazy love" for us, i ask you would bless me with the ability and desire to love others without showing favoritism or prejudice. thanks for giving me a chance to start fresh in the morning. i love you Lord. :)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
wait, what?
one of those questions that jolt you and make you think twice.
what are you dwelling on as you fall asleep tonight, and what thoughts will be on your mind as you wake up tomorrow morning?
i think i'm going to mentally go through the armor of God and try to remember everything i can from the sermon i listened to this morning by rick holland on ephesians 6.
what are you dwelling on as you fall asleep tonight, and what thoughts will be on your mind as you wake up tomorrow morning?
i think i'm going to mentally go through the armor of God and try to remember everything i can from the sermon i listened to this morning by rick holland on ephesians 6.
Monday, June 8, 2009
trust
well...here i am, home for a month now, and still no job. i've had multiple people call me after turning in resumes and applications, wanting to do interviews or get additional information and all that, and several of them visibly interested. but everytime it seems like something's going to work and i think to myself, "finally Lord! thank you for allowing this one to work," either they call back saying they're actually not hiring anymore or else they dont call back at all.
sigh....i asked God to teach me to trust him this summer and i think he's answering my request, though not in a way i had hoped. i mean, it's definitely good to be put in a situation where you feel kinda helpless and you know that God is the only one who can actually make things happen, but when your finite, controlling, realistic-thinking brain says "okay heather...you really need to step on it and come up with something. how are you going to pay for more school, and rent, and a car, and other things that come up?" then you know you really have to start making yourself believe that God's in control of things.
i guess the best part about not having a job is that i've gotten in a lot of good reading time. a couple of the books i'm going through right now are Acts, Psalms, Reflections on the Psalms (by CS Lewis), Becoming a Woman of Spiritual Passion (by Donna Morley), Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God (by Noel Piper), Calm My Anxious Heart (by Linda Dillow), and 31 Days Toward Intimacy with God (by Joni Eareckson Tada). plus there are a ton more on the living room bookshelves that i really would love to read, so we'll how much i can pump out during the summer weeks.
so don't just pray that "i'll get a job." pray that i'll trust. pray that i will give up my desire to control (schedules, finances, time, etc). pray that i'll be like the widow who trusted that God would provide the oil and flour she needed each day to stay alive. that i'd wake up each morning ready to give the day to Christ and wait eagerly for how he'll work, whether he provides a job or not. and that i'd find joy in trusting God's perfect plans. :)
sigh....i asked God to teach me to trust him this summer and i think he's answering my request, though not in a way i had hoped. i mean, it's definitely good to be put in a situation where you feel kinda helpless and you know that God is the only one who can actually make things happen, but when your finite, controlling, realistic-thinking brain says "okay heather...you really need to step on it and come up with something. how are you going to pay for more school, and rent, and a car, and other things that come up?" then you know you really have to start making yourself believe that God's in control of things.
i guess the best part about not having a job is that i've gotten in a lot of good reading time. a couple of the books i'm going through right now are Acts, Psalms, Reflections on the Psalms (by CS Lewis), Becoming a Woman of Spiritual Passion (by Donna Morley), Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God (by Noel Piper), Calm My Anxious Heart (by Linda Dillow), and 31 Days Toward Intimacy with God (by Joni Eareckson Tada). plus there are a ton more on the living room bookshelves that i really would love to read, so we'll how much i can pump out during the summer weeks.
so don't just pray that "i'll get a job." pray that i'll trust. pray that i will give up my desire to control (schedules, finances, time, etc). pray that i'll be like the widow who trusted that God would provide the oil and flour she needed each day to stay alive. that i'd wake up each morning ready to give the day to Christ and wait eagerly for how he'll work, whether he provides a job or not. and that i'd find joy in trusting God's perfect plans. :)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
great sermons
Here's an link to Grace Community Church's college group Crossroads and sermons preached there for the last 10 years+....awesome resource!
http://www.gracechurch.org/crossroads/mp3search.asp
http://www.gracechurch.org/crossroads/mp3search.asp
Saturday, June 6, 2009
song in my head today
"Magnificent Obsession" by Steven Curtis Chapman
Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I'm chasing down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again
This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession
So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains
You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me
You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You
Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I'm chasing down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again
This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession
So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains
You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me
You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You
Friday, June 5, 2009
rain
i love the rain...just love it.
last night it rained--poured actually--but i was asleep and missed it. :( and i so wish it would rain again right now and i could wrap up in my warm blanket, sit by the window and watch it while reading a good book and drinking something hot. but i doubt that'll happen, even if it's a little overcast.
thinking about the rain, my thoughts go back to my time in israel and the times it rained there. not just the times it rained while i lived there, but back in the days of old and what the significance of that was. rain was so important to the growth of the land, to the economy of israel...it still is i suppose. so many times in the bible, God talks about blessing the land by watering it, showing that this was a symbol of God's blessing as well as obedience of the nation. not that they had to obey and please him in order to grow the land--he causes the rain to fall on the righteous and the unrighteous--but rather this was a sign of God's covenant and promise to be with them always, and just as the land needed constant rain for growth, so also do we need to constantly depend on him for everything.
i notice that sometimes the rain can seem drizzly and ugly and depressing, but afterwards it clears the air so you can see the mountains more clearly. and so it is with life. though you go through tough spots, you have to keep in perspective that brighter days are ahead. days to love and serve others, days of increased joy and deeper understanding of who Jesus is because we'll have a more clear picture of him. and God tells us, assures us, " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declared the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).
last night it rained--poured actually--but i was asleep and missed it. :( and i so wish it would rain again right now and i could wrap up in my warm blanket, sit by the window and watch it while reading a good book and drinking something hot. but i doubt that'll happen, even if it's a little overcast.
thinking about the rain, my thoughts go back to my time in israel and the times it rained there. not just the times it rained while i lived there, but back in the days of old and what the significance of that was. rain was so important to the growth of the land, to the economy of israel...it still is i suppose. so many times in the bible, God talks about blessing the land by watering it, showing that this was a symbol of God's blessing as well as obedience of the nation. not that they had to obey and please him in order to grow the land--he causes the rain to fall on the righteous and the unrighteous--but rather this was a sign of God's covenant and promise to be with them always, and just as the land needed constant rain for growth, so also do we need to constantly depend on him for everything.
i notice that sometimes the rain can seem drizzly and ugly and depressing, but afterwards it clears the air so you can see the mountains more clearly. and so it is with life. though you go through tough spots, you have to keep in perspective that brighter days are ahead. days to love and serve others, days of increased joy and deeper understanding of who Jesus is because we'll have a more clear picture of him. and God tells us, assures us, " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declared the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).
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