pride

i disgust myself sometimes. the pride i find in who i am or who i'm not, what i believe or dont believe, and why or why not...it's seriously just gross. i was reminded of this horrible, nasty pride tonight after going to a girls bible study through my church.

i've told my parents and several friends from college that as i go home this summer, i feel like "i dont have any friends back home." my closest friends as well as everyone else i stay in contact with are all pretty much from college, and i only communicate regularly with 1 girlfriend from way back when (who i get to see saturday after months, yay). but everyone else it seems has gone a different path in life, or just doesnt cross schedules and 'groups' with mine anymore. and so this seemingly believable lie has crept into my thinking, making me too prideful to even consider making friends in my hometown, because "i'll be leaving in a few months anyways so why bother?"

how sick is that?? i thought about the girls at the bible study tonight and to be honest, my initial reaction when i arrived was "well they're nice girls but i dont think i'll ever really know them that well...i mean, they're not really my kind of people." well as i brushed my teeth tonight i thought, "would Jesus ever say that? would he refuse to open up and be himself and get to know others because he had a limited amount of time with them, or because they just werent his kind of people?"

sure i may not know them well. sure i'm only home for 2 more months until i leave again. but does that give me any excuse to not be a friend to others? it's kinda funny too, because several of the girls i chatted with are also "home for the summer," so i wonder how many of them feel the same way (they're all, by the way, sweet and friendly girls). who cares about all those stupid excuses! the point is that my attitude of pride and selfishness and self-pity have warped my view of the truth. and the truth is that no matter who they are--followers of Jesus or not, loveable people or not, people like me or not--i'm called (and privileged) to love them as Jesus does. [not that i have a particular dislike for anyone, but more that i realize i am to love others because of the love God has shown me].

God, there are so many problems with me. i have so many faults and failures, but i thank you again tonight for revealing another one in a gentle yet humbling way for me to see. thank you for not just showing me my sin, but for showing me the right response. as our study this summer is on your "crazy love" for us, i ask you would bless me with the ability and desire to love others without showing favoritism or prejudice. thanks for giving me a chance to start fresh in the morning. i love you Lord. :)