"no i'm not dating right now"....."yes, i'd love to get married someday"....."well yes, sometimes i feel lonely, but overall i'm very content, thanks".....
in our day and age, it's considered "weird" if you enjoy being single...as if you're not "complete" without a guy, or that you deserve pity, or that "oh don't worry sweetie--your day will come soon." i appreciate those people who try to make me "feel better" about being single, but honestly, i don't appreciate those comments. it's as if they're saying, "once you find a man in your life, you'll be truly happy."
to be frank and honest, that's biblically not true. there are so many people in the world who have been disillusioned by this idea, it's kinda scary sometimes. they're great Christian people who love the Lord dearly, but have this false sense of satisfaction in the dreams of spending their life with that special someone. look, if you can't be content and happy being single (and by that i mean not married---even if you're dating, you're still technically single), you will never find true contentment/happiness. i could go into a big discussion about that idea, but i won't right now...maybe sometime later i will though. the point is that Jesus is who I, as a believer and follower of Him, should be giving up my cross to follow, not another person. this doesn't rule out the fact that God sovereignly and amazingly gave us a desire to love and be with someone of the opposite sex for long-term life commitment. that's a perfectly good desire, for which he wired us. but, too many people are deceived by their own hearts and mistake discontentment for biblical desire. and yes, you have to dig down deep in your heart to find which one is true of you.
well, that's not really what i was planning to write about...sorry. [not like i need to apologize or be talking to a computer anyways, haha]...
what's really been on my heart lately is that as a single young woman, i have incredible opportunities. and you know, right now i am happy and content with that, and i'm serious. i think i've blogged before, i'm not one of those girls who break up with a guy and then have this angry/determined/self-pitying "i'm just going to be single the rest of my life" mentality. no, i'm pretty sure i'll get married someday. but God has been bringing me to a point where he is opening my eyes to all that i have in front of me at this chapter in the book. i have opportunities to go over to families' houses and hang out with them and their kids and not worry about when i have to/should leave. i can make dinners for families or couples in my church who need it on a spur-of the moment basis (something that's harder to coordinate when you're married and have kids). i can pick up my girlfriends who dont have cars and go to the beach or griffith observatory or just have coffee. i can be involved in church and stay all 3 morning services if needed, and come back for missions meetings that go over the time planned for them. i can host people over to my house and help plan bridal showers or baby showers or other events. i can plan curriculum for teaching in another country and make time to be trained and counseled in prep for that.
and i'm loving it. i'm loving being able to do these things and enjoy them. sure, there are moments and days when being single is hard, especially when you've dated in the past and know what it's like. but for 1) i'm so thankful i'm out of the last particular relationship and don't ever want to go back to it, and 2) i'm not here to whine about those days. i'll save that for my close friends, family, and mentors when i need them to speak truth to me and get me back on track with the right focus. really, truly, honestly, i'm finding so much joy in where God has placed me right now. and that ultimately comes--not from my circumstances--but from constant, real communication and relationship with the Lord. there have been times when i've published blog posts that are full of questions and confusion, but i know where my hope is found. there are times when it comes across to the world that i am done and want to give up, but in my heart, i know that God is always with me and wants me to keep fighting the fight and running the race with his help [more like only by his help]--whatever the struggle might be. but right now, he has blessed me with true joy in serving him. i'm not worried about the future because he promises to take care of my needs and direct my steps. and as cliche as it sounds, i can't rush that. what God wants to accomplish in my life, he will do in his timing. and for now, that looks like jumping in full-time to ministry in my church, my workplace, relationships with the people i know, and other areas.
i've been studying philippians at bible study, and i just love chapter 4. there's so much to learn and remind myself of. the whole book is centered around the theme of joy in the Lord (and thankfulness, which is a circular cause and effect of joy). the Lord promises so much good to those who love him (yeah, maybe that doesn't look like the best circumstances but he uses it for his good). and true joy comes when you're content in where God has placed you.
for me, i belong right here. serving at church, working/teaching at school, and pursuing india. i couldnt ask for more.
H
Saturday, April 24, 2010
relentless
can't sleep tonight.
too much on my mind.
perhaps it's because of the rich peppermint mocha or the chocolate-dipped strawberries we all enjoyed and laughed over the past 6 hours.
but i suspect it's more than that.
do you ever get dizzy from all that's swimming around in your head? i'm sure we all do at some point or another. well, tonight is one of those nights.
i'm just amazed at God and how he works things together. sometimes it's those aspects of life that you couldn't predict would happen and that if you could re-do part of your life, you'd leave them out. i've been through my share of that, and i'm sure we all have those areas we'd rather not bring up.
but those are a part of our past, whether we like it or not. you can't change the fact that you wasted certain periods of life, when you could've invested more into them (or into other people), or that you were cheated on, or that you let someone down, or whatever it might be for you. but all of those things were meant to happen and were no surprise for God. and he is truly faithful to help you overcome regret, bitterness, pain, and other feelings from the past, reminding you that "all things work together for the good of those who love him."
and that's why i'm pressing on, relentless.
i'm at a time in my life that i love, despite the wars God has given me to fight. i love teaching and working with the kids at school (though i don't particularly like rising early--something i'm learning to be thankful for ;)...i love my church and the people i've been building relationships with there and the privilege to get involved with singing and working with the music ministry...i love hanging out with the young families in my life and being a "big kid" with the little ones...i love learning from older, more experienced women and sitting under their wisdom...i love having time to cook and bake for my brother and for other families...i love bible study wednesday nights and welcoming new people to help them feel special...i love pursuing india and planning for the next time i'll go back there (whenever that may be).
and as much as i love all those things, i know there's so much more planned that God has in store for how he's going to direct my life. and as strange as it seems, he uses the past to shape the present, and the present to shape the future. this can be intimidating and overwhelming at times, but the flip side is a perfectly-designed future in Christ. and i'm going at it head-on. i've always been a go-getter, an all-or-nothing person, a shoot-for-the-moon, give-it-all-you-got girl. well, sometimes those ideals aren't so realistic, but they're worth the shot, aren't they? because who knows--you might end up making that shot. and you'll never know until you try.
i don't know what God holds for the future, whether i live only 6 more days or 60 more days. but i'm banking on the promise that God will use each event in my life (painful or joyful) and turn it into something beautiful for himself. so who am i to question? who am i to decline participation? sure i might not have all the answers, but i'm going to be content in the fact that he does. no is not an option. and as long as he's giving me another breath, and another, and another...i'm gonna run for him,
relentless.
H
too much on my mind.
perhaps it's because of the rich peppermint mocha or the chocolate-dipped strawberries we all enjoyed and laughed over the past 6 hours.
but i suspect it's more than that.
do you ever get dizzy from all that's swimming around in your head? i'm sure we all do at some point or another. well, tonight is one of those nights.
i'm just amazed at God and how he works things together. sometimes it's those aspects of life that you couldn't predict would happen and that if you could re-do part of your life, you'd leave them out. i've been through my share of that, and i'm sure we all have those areas we'd rather not bring up.
but those are a part of our past, whether we like it or not. you can't change the fact that you wasted certain periods of life, when you could've invested more into them (or into other people), or that you were cheated on, or that you let someone down, or whatever it might be for you. but all of those things were meant to happen and were no surprise for God. and he is truly faithful to help you overcome regret, bitterness, pain, and other feelings from the past, reminding you that "all things work together for the good of those who love him."
and that's why i'm pressing on, relentless.
i'm at a time in my life that i love, despite the wars God has given me to fight. i love teaching and working with the kids at school (though i don't particularly like rising early--something i'm learning to be thankful for ;)...i love my church and the people i've been building relationships with there and the privilege to get involved with singing and working with the music ministry...i love hanging out with the young families in my life and being a "big kid" with the little ones...i love learning from older, more experienced women and sitting under their wisdom...i love having time to cook and bake for my brother and for other families...i love bible study wednesday nights and welcoming new people to help them feel special...i love pursuing india and planning for the next time i'll go back there (whenever that may be).
and as much as i love all those things, i know there's so much more planned that God has in store for how he's going to direct my life. and as strange as it seems, he uses the past to shape the present, and the present to shape the future. this can be intimidating and overwhelming at times, but the flip side is a perfectly-designed future in Christ. and i'm going at it head-on. i've always been a go-getter, an all-or-nothing person, a shoot-for-the-moon, give-it-all-you-got girl. well, sometimes those ideals aren't so realistic, but they're worth the shot, aren't they? because who knows--you might end up making that shot. and you'll never know until you try.
i don't know what God holds for the future, whether i live only 6 more days or 60 more days. but i'm banking on the promise that God will use each event in my life (painful or joyful) and turn it into something beautiful for himself. so who am i to question? who am i to decline participation? sure i might not have all the answers, but i'm going to be content in the fact that he does. no is not an option. and as long as he's giving me another breath, and another, and another...i'm gonna run for him,
relentless.
H
Thursday, April 15, 2010
no answers
does anyone care? does anyone see? am i too weak? is it my fault? what's going on? why does it have to be this way? why can't i fight it? does prayer even work? what's wrong with me? why can't i drive into a lamppost and alleviate the pain? would they care? it is worth it? why did that happen? am i being unreasonable? what am i supposed to do? does He care? am i blind? is anyone out there? will it ever end? what can i do to make it end? why did it ever have to start in the first place? will i ever change? why is this happening? where can i hide from it all? why me? what does it have to do with the future? why can't i tell the truth? will they ever see? what's going to happen? will i ever learn? does it even exist? will i always be alone in this? why?
Monday, April 12, 2010
to make a difference
sometimes i let myself start counting down
5 weeks left of lesson plans and 4th-5th grade
until i move on to bigger and better things...
not that that's wrong in and of itself, but i'm letting myself "quit." i'm pretty much saying, "this is all i have to do before then and i'll be free," when i should be saying "i only have this much time left in this particular place to make a difference--an opportunity i will never have again in the way i do now." and so, i'm going to fight that feeling of wanting to "just make it through." i have vowed to not let these weeks become a source of complaining (which is, of course, filthy sin in Jesus' eyes), but instead to commit each one of them to the Lord in the mornings when i wake up. and not just the week days when i need physical strength to get out of bed and stumble off to my classroom, but also on the weekends when i feel that i "deserve" a break...yes, saturday and sunday mornings too will be given to the Lord (i never remember Him saying anything about us "deserving" a chance to be selfish or to cop out on obeying him...okay, well at least that's how i often act on the weekends). and dont be afraid to call me out if start whining on facebook about all the stuff i have to do. there's a difference between having stuff to do and whining about it, trying to outdo your friends in how intense your own load is.
along those lines, i've been pondering the idea of discipline lately. not only discipline to keep from complaining and instead speaking uplifting words, but also discipline in the sense of sticking-it-out. not giving up when things are on the rough side...or even if they're on the smooth side but you want to coast through and not put a lot of effort into what you're doing. yeah....well, God's been reminding me this past week that i am creating lessons for Him. i'm teaching my kiddos for Him. i'm writing units and state papers for Him. i'm making popsicle-stick covered wagons for Him. and that means not leaving a job half-finished. or deciding which assignments i will do or wont do. after all, how can i expect that the "next thing" or the thing that i want to do will satisfy me, if i'm not content where i am right now? and these are the times that we often look back at and regret having wasted with our own self-absorbed thoughts and dreams...
okay now i kinda sense i'm rambling...anyways, my point is that i'm going to live out these weeks as if they were my last ones to live...as if i'm going to get hit by a car on may 19th and be killed. and that means--i'm going to make the most of them and start trying to change the world, one day at a time. sure, maybe i wont accomplish that....
but it's worth a try.
5 weeks left of lesson plans and 4th-5th grade
until i move on to bigger and better things...
not that that's wrong in and of itself, but i'm letting myself "quit." i'm pretty much saying, "this is all i have to do before then and i'll be free," when i should be saying "i only have this much time left in this particular place to make a difference--an opportunity i will never have again in the way i do now." and so, i'm going to fight that feeling of wanting to "just make it through." i have vowed to not let these weeks become a source of complaining (which is, of course, filthy sin in Jesus' eyes), but instead to commit each one of them to the Lord in the mornings when i wake up. and not just the week days when i need physical strength to get out of bed and stumble off to my classroom, but also on the weekends when i feel that i "deserve" a break...yes, saturday and sunday mornings too will be given to the Lord (i never remember Him saying anything about us "deserving" a chance to be selfish or to cop out on obeying him...okay, well at least that's how i often act on the weekends). and dont be afraid to call me out if start whining on facebook about all the stuff i have to do. there's a difference between having stuff to do and whining about it, trying to outdo your friends in how intense your own load is.
along those lines, i've been pondering the idea of discipline lately. not only discipline to keep from complaining and instead speaking uplifting words, but also discipline in the sense of sticking-it-out. not giving up when things are on the rough side...or even if they're on the smooth side but you want to coast through and not put a lot of effort into what you're doing. yeah....well, God's been reminding me this past week that i am creating lessons for Him. i'm teaching my kiddos for Him. i'm writing units and state papers for Him. i'm making popsicle-stick covered wagons for Him. and that means not leaving a job half-finished. or deciding which assignments i will do or wont do. after all, how can i expect that the "next thing" or the thing that i want to do will satisfy me, if i'm not content where i am right now? and these are the times that we often look back at and regret having wasted with our own self-absorbed thoughts and dreams...
okay now i kinda sense i'm rambling...anyways, my point is that i'm going to live out these weeks as if they were my last ones to live...as if i'm going to get hit by a car on may 19th and be killed. and that means--i'm going to make the most of them and start trying to change the world, one day at a time. sure, maybe i wont accomplish that....
but it's worth a try.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
am i a hypocrite?
do you ever feel sometimes that you're just not doing things right? or that you're "happy" to serve God but you dont quite know why, and you know that you should know, or you know why you should but you're just not "feeling" it? do you ever feel pretty good about how you're doing, only to realize that you've got sin all over your life and other people probably see it, but you've been just to proud to even look for it? or even worse, you know something's not quite been right, but you really dont want to look deeper? do you ever have a passion to do something for the Lord, but then start worrying or thinking of your own ways to do it, insisting to God that you know what you're doing and he doesn't? do you ever get so overwhelmed in the many areas of your life that need change, that you just want to quit and not even try? ever go back and forth between sobbing to God of your wretchedness before his gaze and determinedly--almost angrily--trying to fight back on your own?
kinda makes you realize how weak and vulnerable you are. kinda makes you cry seeing how futile of a life you're living on your own. kinda reminds you that you're trying to get to heaven based on your actions. and that can make you fall into more depression because you look up and seee the huge hole you've fallen in, and which keeps getting deeper.
oh Lord, remind me what your grace means. remind me that i am weak and frail, but that it should cause me to cling even tighter to you, not push you away and try to get better on my own before coming to you. that i can't get out of the hole without your help reaching down to me. break the pride i have in even asking for your help. remind me that i don't need anything in this world except for you, no matter how tempting and alluring it seems. and please, Father, let me wake up refreshed tomorrow to love and serve you. remind me, even through tiredness and busyness, that you are the only way to a fulfilling, satisfied life.
H
kinda makes you realize how weak and vulnerable you are. kinda makes you cry seeing how futile of a life you're living on your own. kinda reminds you that you're trying to get to heaven based on your actions. and that can make you fall into more depression because you look up and seee the huge hole you've fallen in, and which keeps getting deeper.
oh Lord, remind me what your grace means. remind me that i am weak and frail, but that it should cause me to cling even tighter to you, not push you away and try to get better on my own before coming to you. that i can't get out of the hole without your help reaching down to me. break the pride i have in even asking for your help. remind me that i don't need anything in this world except for you, no matter how tempting and alluring it seems. and please, Father, let me wake up refreshed tomorrow to love and serve you. remind me, even through tiredness and busyness, that you are the only way to a fulfilling, satisfied life.
H
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