the mountains glistened this morning like sugar-covered cookies,
and minty were the hills below
having been refreshed by the week's wet rain-showers.
i love those mountains
and hills
and each early morning they're there to greet me
(though sometimes hidden by a dusty grey envelope).
it would be effortless to stare at them
for hours on end
and imagine the adventures of which they boast silently.
even the daring cliff pictured behind these words tempts me
and someday,
i'm going to seek her out.
with a white dress, i'll spin in circles til i can balance no longer
and fall laughing on the soft, green blanket of grass..
then i'll run with the wind,
stand close to the edge
and smile freely at the majestic waters on the horizon.
H
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
2 pieces of humble pie
today i felt humiliated...in a good way.
a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.
[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.
[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.
a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him
...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.
H
a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.
[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.
[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.
a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him
...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.
H
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
no excuses.
i'm tired of the games i play with myself.
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."
we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...
1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.
2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.
3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.
well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)
my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.
H
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."
we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...
1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.
2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.
3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.
well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)
my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.
H
Monday, February 7, 2011
crying to my Jesus
Thou art the blessed God, happy in Thyself, source of happiness in Thy creatures, my maker, benefactor, proprietor, upholder. Thou hast produced and sustained me, supported and indulged me, saved and kept me; Thou art in every situation able to meet my needs and miseries.
May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to His principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, may I rejoice to suffer for Thy name.
Keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that will disappear into nothing. As I pursue my heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a man with no aim but that of a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow men.
Valley of Vision
May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to His principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, may I rejoice to suffer for Thy name.
Keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that will disappear into nothing. As I pursue my heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a man with no aim but that of a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow men.
Valley of Vision
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