no excuses.

i'm tired of the games i play with myself.
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."

we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...

1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.

2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.

3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.


well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)

my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.



H