today i felt humiliated...in a good way.
a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.
[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.
[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.
a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him
...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.
H
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