war within

as pirates-of-the-caribbean music plays from pandora,
it mirrors the tumultuous battle inside my heart
for i desire with everything inside me to stand--
though the enemy's flaming arrows shoot repeatedly,
yet i will not fall
and if i do
He will pick me up again
the world and all it's lies will never sway
His strong, loving,
protective arms
that wrap this trembling girl tightly
and though i fear and doubt and question
[why does it have to be this way?]
His shield of faith i hold in one hand
and the Spirit's sword in the other.

with these, i cannot lose.


H

my new addiction.

you know you're becoming addicted to coffee when "medium roast" is too mild.


it all started with that espresso in portugal....

but man i love it. ;)

don't.

i don't understand what's happening lately
at times it thrills me, yet other times it kills me
and again and again i have to walk by faith.
weak eyes i have,
and squinting off into the distance
down the long road ahead, i see only blurred images,
if even those.
the more you decide to trust, the easier it becomes,
because you train yourself into the habit,
but it also gets harder with each step
[does no one else live paradoxically?]
i tell my kids it is their choice of what their attitude will be,
but do i myself live my own advice?
were it not for God's abundant mercy and grace
i would have fallen into doubt and anxiety,
never knowing if my questions would ever truly be answered,
but i
have
hope
and that hope too, which will never disappoint.

don't leave me, my Lord, i pray
cut out of my heart anything that comes between us,
and let me lose my attraction to anything but You.


H

my greatest fear

"i cared for you in the wilderness, in the land of drought. as they had their pasture, they became satisfied. and being satisfied, their heart became proud;

therefore they forgot Me."

[hosea 13.5-6]


for most christians, "trusting the Lord" is one of the biggest struggles when life isn't going so great. it seems to be the common theme that christians thank God in the good times but forget to ask him their requests, and yet in the hard times they ask God their requests but forget to thank him. and yet, there are also many times in which God brings us out of the testing ground of a wilderness--out of a trial or from the Doubting Castle of Giant Despair, to borrow from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress--and we become confident again in ourselves. soon we have life "under control," and things might still be busy, but at least we know what's going on. slowly (but assuredly), we try to stand taller in our knowledge and abilities, or even in our "humility," and we let our precious times with the Lord be pushed aside. some of us even get so caught up in serving God that we lose our friendship with him, and the pride of doing the right things blinds us to our deceitful, wicked hearts that try to claim authority over him.

and this, my friend, is one of my greatest fears.

it scares me to think that my own heart and soul are capable of such hatred towards God. i have been on both the mountaintops of joy and exuberation at what Christ is doing in the world and in the deep valleys of confusion, anguish, and despair. and like Hosea reminds us, God is incredibly full of mercy (not giving me what i deserve) and grace (giving me what i don't deserve), and he brings us out from the wilderness into green pastures. oh Lord--i would rather you keep me in the desert, where my soul clings to you alone, than to be so comfortable in life that i forget you and your acts of inexplainable power. let me never think i've run out of things to thank you for, and teach me to look for them during the times when it's the most difficult. remind me, oh Father, when life is "smooth," that my heart is still full of wretched sin which only you can cleanse. and remind me, when life is rough and uncomfortable and i feel knocked down over and over, that you are not finished your work, and my job is not to question you and demand answers; only to follow in steady submission and cheerful obedience.

let me not lose this fear, my Lord. for the day i do, i will fall down the slippery slope of indifference and apathy towards you. let my life serve as a truly humble and fragrant offering in your sight, sweet Jesus.


H

build me, then break me

2011 has come. and with or without diligent investment and action in the ensuing twelve months, we will look behind us and question what has happened and what we have accomplished. for the masses, it will be utterly wasted. maybe these are not the thoughts running through their minds as they live day to day, but in retrospect, how valuable are the accomplishments of life that they will boast of by december? [here's another question--how different will our character look?] i've used this analogy before (and to be fair, i didn't originate it), but as fish in a stream, we have 2 choices. we can swim [or float] downstream, riding the current with the majority of those around us. we can voluntarily or involuntarily pursue the things of pleasure, of fun or excitement...the things that will quietly tear us away from God. or we can choose to battle the current and go upstream, where we will undoubtedly get water up our nose, face a colder temperature, and at times swim solo.

my life right now is so full of unknowns. i'm sure the Lord has many surprises planned, and as i head into the new year, i can't help but wonder what He will teach me, what new lessons i will learn, and what steps He will clarify for my faith-lacking feet. one thing i desire in these months, however--that He will build my understanding of Himself, my faith, and my obedience to His words...and then knock me down again to my knees. too many times i become prideful, self-absorbed, and one not characterized by holiness. oh how i long for this to change! though i know not what plans God has made for 2011, i can walk each day by faith and not by sight. and He knows my heart--he knows that i so desperately long to grow in righteousness!

a wise man once said, "anyone who God uses greatly, He will break significantly." oh loving Lord, increase my grasp of the process of sanctification. deepen my yearning to spend time with You. strengthen my mind with truth, and teach me how to apply Your treasures in the every-day realm of life.

and after you have built me up in You, break my dreams and my shallow understanding, sweet Jesus. let my desires for life be crushed so that Yours will prevail. use me only to show the world that i refuse to live for myself, for the pleasures of life, but instead that i will fight--yes, fight--for Your name to be higher than my own. i don't want even one day to pass this year in which i lazily choose to gratify my fleshly, selfish comfort.

yes...2011 has come indeed. and by God's grace, i'm ready for it.


H