my greatest fear

"i cared for you in the wilderness, in the land of drought. as they had their pasture, they became satisfied. and being satisfied, their heart became proud;

therefore they forgot Me."

[hosea 13.5-6]


for most christians, "trusting the Lord" is one of the biggest struggles when life isn't going so great. it seems to be the common theme that christians thank God in the good times but forget to ask him their requests, and yet in the hard times they ask God their requests but forget to thank him. and yet, there are also many times in which God brings us out of the testing ground of a wilderness--out of a trial or from the Doubting Castle of Giant Despair, to borrow from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress--and we become confident again in ourselves. soon we have life "under control," and things might still be busy, but at least we know what's going on. slowly (but assuredly), we try to stand taller in our knowledge and abilities, or even in our "humility," and we let our precious times with the Lord be pushed aside. some of us even get so caught up in serving God that we lose our friendship with him, and the pride of doing the right things blinds us to our deceitful, wicked hearts that try to claim authority over him.

and this, my friend, is one of my greatest fears.

it scares me to think that my own heart and soul are capable of such hatred towards God. i have been on both the mountaintops of joy and exuberation at what Christ is doing in the world and in the deep valleys of confusion, anguish, and despair. and like Hosea reminds us, God is incredibly full of mercy (not giving me what i deserve) and grace (giving me what i don't deserve), and he brings us out from the wilderness into green pastures. oh Lord--i would rather you keep me in the desert, where my soul clings to you alone, than to be so comfortable in life that i forget you and your acts of inexplainable power. let me never think i've run out of things to thank you for, and teach me to look for them during the times when it's the most difficult. remind me, oh Father, when life is "smooth," that my heart is still full of wretched sin which only you can cleanse. and remind me, when life is rough and uncomfortable and i feel knocked down over and over, that you are not finished your work, and my job is not to question you and demand answers; only to follow in steady submission and cheerful obedience.

let me not lose this fear, my Lord. for the day i do, i will fall down the slippery slope of indifference and apathy towards you. let my life serve as a truly humble and fragrant offering in your sight, sweet Jesus.


H