return to me

the stars that were missing from last night's sky
have even now begun to return
slowly but surely
one
at
a
time.

stars

there were no stars out tonight.

they were clouded and blocked from my view
and even the moon had a pale color
lacking its usual fullness and vibrancy
amdist the stark contrast of the black night.

the confusion in the sky is my mirror
and where i once shone brightly
i fear i have failed
for there is no vision in these hours
there is no clarity.

and i do not know which way to turn
or where to look.

and i fear
in this
that i am alone.

a poem

[i wrote this as a quick-write assignment for class this morning...nothing special, just thought i'd share it.]

Her Journey

As I was strolling 'long the sea
And wondering what was soon to be--
Where the future would lead me
I saw a whitewashed shell.

Studying the shell i found
Lines and creases up and down
Marks and scratches all around
The pretty whitewashed shell.

I fingered it within my hand
Imagining the places grand
Where on exotic beaches' sand
Had lain the whitewashed shell.

My thoughts then turned to my own life
The longings to be mother, wife
Exuberant joy amidst much strife,
Then I touched the whitewashed shell.

I too had travelled faraway places
Far and wide, I'd met fine faces
Often without leaving traces
Like the whitewashed shell.

But soon a smile crept 'cross my lips
Examing edges, middle, and tips
For I had swept through sea and trips
Just as the whitewashed shell.

Though weathered, beaten, sometimes worn
Yes, I survived the raging storms
And now felt safe, protected, warm
As had the whitewashed shell.

Tossed to and fro, but without breaking
One life to live and give, not taking
The watery waves were in me making
A steady whitewashed shell.

And though at first, it seemed so small
Yet every crack and every fall
Had grown me to stand straight and tall
The little whitewashed shell.

Was I faithful despite the beaches' shore
I'd washed upon, to show them more
To tell of love and hope in store
For me, the whitewashed shell.

And how it is not mine to hoard
But share my hope and Love adored
And watch as new lives in Him soared.....

Farewell, dear whitewashed shell.

the house

dear 21156 placerita canyon road,

i think you are a beautiful house.
i walked by you this afternoon
and you stood so tall and regal
a hint of intimidation
but undoubtedly with secrets behind those big majestic doors.

i smiled and wished i could steal away inside
and explore each room
like a little girl
oh the stories you could tell

but as it was, i continued on my way
[your neighbors are also quite charming]
but if ever i write a story
you would be the perfect setting.

sincerely,

heather

better

today was a little better.
thanks Lord for the hope you give me.
thanks for getting me through. :)

desperate

i am overwhelmed tonight
weighed down
convicted, sad, and teary-eyed
for many reasons tonight

after church tonight i cried
i am such a horrible person
so sinful and wicked, my heart is so deceptive
how can God use me?

i sat there
in the car
crying
wanting so much to "be a missionary"
but so many things stand in my way--
time, school, money, blah blah blah
i was overwhelmed because i just want to go

then i cried harder because of how evil my heart is
how can i want to go overseas when i can't control my life here?
and am i even supposed to control it? no! God is!
but i'm so awful at everything
i dont spend as much time in prayer as i should
especially praying for other people
and i dont spend as much time studying my bible as i should
not just reading it, but studying it
i'm a coward in telling others about Jesus here--
why would i be any different in another country?
and yet i want to go so badly--
is this wrong?

and i'm selfish and mean in my heart
i lose patience with others
i have a hard time forgiving
i let the little things get to me
i worry about stupid stupid things
i am stupid..
i'm not wise

i let my feelings overtake me
should i even be crying right now?
is it right or not?
i want to be married, but again,
it's such a selfish desire
i struggle back and forth
again and again
wanting to proclaim God's good news
that saves peoples lives
and wanting my own desires to be met

God be near and real to me now
i beg you
show me mercy, for i am a sinner
my life desperately needs you
God i dont want to go through this week
it's selfish of me and you know that
but show me what to do
change my heart God i plead with you!
i dont want to go to school
or the elementary classrooms
or work
or anything
i want to sit and talk to you and learn from you
all day long
but i cant
and i'm so torn

sing me to sleep tonight Lord
be me hope, my refuge, my masada

love the rain

i love the rain.
just love it.
love
love
love
that rain.

when it's pouring outside
and i'm inside
pressing my nose against the window pane
like a little girl again
just watching it.

somehow it inspires me
gives me hope
encouragement
a sense of wonder about life
and smiles
rain always brings a smile to my lips

gosh i just love the rain....

tired

its only monday and i'm completely exhausted. it was a good day, to be sure, but i am physically and mentally worn out. this morning i had the privilege of going to chapel at The Master's College, since observations are cancelled this week and it's the one time all semester that i'll have the chance to go....plus Abner Chou was speaking and of course i wasnt going to miss it. it was awesome, or rather i should say, God is awesome. psalm 71 hit home to me as a passage of encouragment...quite applicable even tonight i should say. a message of hope and the reminder that God is my "masada"--my fortress, my strong tower. reminds me of the long, strenuous hike up Masada that i climbed in Israel, and it makes it more real to me. like Abner said, the Romans had a really hard time conquering Masada from the Jews during the revolts in the first century, but how much greater strength does God have than this rock fortress that eventually was taken over.
leaving chapel, i headed to class, during which we all laughed together and shared funny teaching stories in the midst of class and group work...i love those girls. :)
after that, straight to work, teaching 2 back-to-back "American Girls" classes for 1st-4th grade girls. today i read while they painted, which worked out fairly well, though my voice was tired by the end of the 2 hours.
immediately after that, headed to my other job of tutoring, working with an 8th grade boy...[how do you motivate an 8th grade, school-hating boy to work hard and put his best into his schoolwork?!?] got out a little late, around 8:15pm, then drove home.
ate dinner at 9pm.
and now, catching up on emails and the little stuff, i start homework. i'm thankful i only have 1 assignment to work on this week, though it's a pretty big one and i have to submit it to the state by thursday.

all is good, but i won't lie. i'm really worn out tonight. very sore back from carrying a lot of stuff, and overall fatigue, but it's okay i suppose. i have psalm 71 on my mind. gives me another great reason to go to the Lord in prayer. :)

cold

the weather's getting colder
and i love it
unpack the sweaters
and scarves
and hoodies
hot cups of apple cider and cocoa
warm blankets
and cozy fireplaces

it's one of the times of the year
when i feel safe, protected
when i can look out the wet windows
at the beautiful rain
and watch it fall fall fall
down down down
to make life grow grow grow

we dont always see the growth in the fall
but it comes
sure and steady
by the following springtime
and knowing this makes my heart want to burst

i cant express my joy tonight
knowing i'm safe and protected
knowing i can unwind and breathe out
and that there's One who listens
and speaks
....
waiting for me to listen back.