desperate

i am overwhelmed tonight
weighed down
convicted, sad, and teary-eyed
for many reasons tonight

after church tonight i cried
i am such a horrible person
so sinful and wicked, my heart is so deceptive
how can God use me?

i sat there
in the car
crying
wanting so much to "be a missionary"
but so many things stand in my way--
time, school, money, blah blah blah
i was overwhelmed because i just want to go

then i cried harder because of how evil my heart is
how can i want to go overseas when i can't control my life here?
and am i even supposed to control it? no! God is!
but i'm so awful at everything
i dont spend as much time in prayer as i should
especially praying for other people
and i dont spend as much time studying my bible as i should
not just reading it, but studying it
i'm a coward in telling others about Jesus here--
why would i be any different in another country?
and yet i want to go so badly--
is this wrong?

and i'm selfish and mean in my heart
i lose patience with others
i have a hard time forgiving
i let the little things get to me
i worry about stupid stupid things
i am stupid..
i'm not wise

i let my feelings overtake me
should i even be crying right now?
is it right or not?
i want to be married, but again,
it's such a selfish desire
i struggle back and forth
again and again
wanting to proclaim God's good news
that saves peoples lives
and wanting my own desires to be met

God be near and real to me now
i beg you
show me mercy, for i am a sinner
my life desperately needs you
God i dont want to go through this week
it's selfish of me and you know that
but show me what to do
change my heart God i plead with you!
i dont want to go to school
or the elementary classrooms
or work
or anything
i want to sit and talk to you and learn from you
all day long
but i cant
and i'm so torn

sing me to sleep tonight Lord
be me hope, my refuge, my masada