my sweet Jesus loves me like this??!
the bigger my Lord is,
the more i want to rest in Him,
and the less i am inclined toward the things of the world.
tonight,
my heart smiles with joy.
H
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
step.
dark are the nights
in which i walk the sand of the seashore
begging
searching
hoping
for answers among distant waves
waves that toss and turn and collide
waves which--at first glance--seem so tangled together
and yet
there is something about the sea
and those waves
i stand at the same spot on the sand
looking out across the morning light
and i see the turning and churning
the aching and breaking
of last night's watery questions
and though the tide still ebbs and flows,
though the answers have not washed ashore,
the silence is calming
dare i say comforting.
tender is the Voice that speaks to my soul
and gentle are the Hands that hold mine each night
as my eyes close to rest
and my heart breathes more easily once again.
H
in which i walk the sand of the seashore
begging
searching
hoping
for answers among distant waves
waves that toss and turn and collide
waves which--at first glance--seem so tangled together
and yet
there is something about the sea
and those waves
i stand at the same spot on the sand
looking out across the morning light
and i see the turning and churning
the aching and breaking
of last night's watery questions
and though the tide still ebbs and flows,
though the answers have not washed ashore,
the silence is calming
dare i say comforting.
tender is the Voice that speaks to my soul
and gentle are the Hands that hold mine each night
as my eyes close to rest
and my heart breathes more easily once again.
H
Saturday, February 18, 2012
hope, as i've never known before
it is ironic, i think, how some of the worst of times in your life can also be some of the best of times.
going through a difficult period these past 2 weeks or so has brought so much out of the shadows of my heart into a penetrating light. i sit at the table, a lamp aimed at my soul, and the Questioner sitting across from my trembling frame. but this interrogation has gone quite differently than i had originally imagined. the Questioner seeks, with his painful yet gentle probing, to give hope during and after my interview, and not with the result that i walk away with my head hung in shame.
there is so much i want to share about all this, and my humanly-limited communication cannot do it all justice, but here are a few ideas and truths that have turned my thinking upside down in the past week. i say these things wanting to be clear that it is the Lord Jesus Christ who has illuminated my soul and my mind, not by any wisdom derived on my own. so here we go:
1) i have come to realize a great tragedy in the way that i have been living my life. have i been raised and trained in solid, biblical truth? yes. do i still believe that the Lord saved me at a young age? yes. but so many of those twenty years have been spent living in a spiritual depression. and i'm not trying to sugar-coat my words. the thoughts of my mind and the actions of my life have been heavily influenced by a dark (and might i add, strong) hold of depression. not so much on the suicidal end of the pendulum, but i can see quite clearly that i have lost much of my true joy and peace in life. i have lived in fear and guilt. i have begged for the Lord's forgiveness for my sins over and over again, not knowing for sure if he still keeps them written down somewhere or refers back to them. but this cannot be! "a depressed Christian is a contradiction in terms" says the worn-pages of D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. i know that i have a problem, and i know that the Lord has a solution. but how am i to find this and how will i change?
2) i am not alone. though very humbling to admit my struggles, i have to come to see that even great pillars of the christian faith--such as Moses, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Paul, Luther, Charles Spurgeon, and others also wrestled through these thoughts. and when we are honest in looking our problems square in the eye and facing the truth that we need help, it is then that God can do something about it. to refuse to admit these things is not just stupid, but detrimental. and not only am i not alone in my battle with depression, but it is actually much more common than i had ever realized, particularly with those of us who have been raised in the church with solid teaching from an early age. i am not discrediting the background that the Lord blessed me with, and i am so thankful for the home in which i grew up, but i will also be quite frank is saying that until the past two weeks, i had never truly understood some of the most basic principles of the christian life.
3) i have lived many years of my life having been taught about the "rightness of God," but have just now been learning how that rightness is to be actually obtained. for too long, i have thought that i could obtain favor from God and be granted his pleasure if i could just sin less each day and bring a smile to his face by what i did or thought. while that seems simple and good enough, it has left an impenetrable void in my heart because i have failed to come to the most inner workings of my theology about God. i have lived my days trying to conform to God's standards and live by the Law, because i think that it will please him if i look and act more godly each day. again, does this initially seem like an accepted point of view? perhaps. but my thinking has always been motivated by an incorrect perception of God's character and a fear that somehow i might "mess up" and not actually bring him honor for the day. for so many nights of my life, i've laid my head to rest on the pillows in guilt and morbid introspection, pleading that God take away my sins of the day and give new mercies in the morning. i view God as a Loving Friend when the day goes well, as a Protecting Father when i am scared of certain situations, but as an Annoyed Judge when the day's events dont match up with what his word tell me to do.
4) But this is not God! he is a Savior, a Refuge, a Stronghold, a Rock, a Tower of Strength (and i could go on). And not just this, but he loves me every day the same as the day before--infinitely more than i can imagine--and he does not treat me differently when i am full of sin as when i am in line with holiness. again, Lloyd-Jones says, "You are no more hopeless than the most respectable, self-righteous person in the world." God sent Jesus to the earth to save all sinners, not just the ones who have been murderers, adulterers, rapists, and terrorists. Not just the ones who lived a life filled with drugs and then did a 180 when they turned to Christ. No, he came for all people--people like me who have lived in a christian environment my whole life and who unknowingly let depression deplete the joy in their hearts. he came for the people who may look like fabulous christians, but who simply do not fully love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. it makes no difference to him. and it brings him joy to save them all. he does not say "oh gosh, heather's back. well, i guess i saved her earlier and she's been in a lot of problems, but now that she's saved i might as well let her stay in my presence." NO! he rejoices over me and calls me his precious daughter! i am seen not as the sinner i am, but as Jesus with his righteousness because i have put my faith in Christ. do you understand this? Jesus--the perfect one, God's beloved, the spotless Lamb, always faithful and obedient--i am seen wearing his robes, not my sin and guilt-stained rags. God has forgiven all my sin (past, present, and future), paying for it once and for always on the cross. “It is one sacrifice, once and forever. He would never come back to the cross again. All the sins were dealt with there finally and completely, everything. Nothing was left undone—‘It is finished’” (ML-J). i should not and must not believe the lies that i have held onto for so many years that have taken away my assurance of his pleasure in me. i've never doubted that i am a believer and follower of Christ, but i have definitely doubted often the intense love God says he gives to his children because i never knew if he really approved of me despite my overwhelming failures.
5) so then, i cannot move forward until i have realized this true conviction of sin and a right view of God's view of me and of his character. but now what? i broke down wednesday night, sobbing in joy because of these things but still questioning where to go from there. so i kept reading, kept studying. how must i respond? submit myself to God's word. read it, study it, live it, share it. i cannot assume i know what it is saying--that has been shown to me so clearly this week because i have lived for years with an incorrect interpretation of Scripture--i need to have a right view of God and the greatness of the gospel, and i hope and pray that i never lose those, though i'm sure i will forget often, as i'm prone to do. and the results of this submission to God's word? the effects it will have on us when we rest in him, as Hebrews 4 so beautifully assures? joy, not fear. thankfulness, not guilt. “It is because we belong to Him that the devil will do his utmost to disturb and upset us. He cannot rob us of our salvation, thank God, but...he can make us miserable. He can, if we are foolish enough to listen to him, seriously limit our enjoyment of our salvation" (ML-J). we will revert back to reflecting on our failures and questioning God's love and acceptance. let me be clear: true joy in Christ and his word is not the superficial, short-lived highs of thinking what God has done for me, which, i'll be the first to admit, is what i've often mistaken it as. no, true joy is when your heart is breaking in a circumstance and you cling and cry to the Lord every night if need be, and you find the rest he promises by banking on the fact that: yes, i'm a very great sinner. but my Lord is a very great Savior. and if he says that he loves me, how dare i believe otherwise? how dare i try to prove to him that i'm worth his love? i'm not and will never be, on my own, and yet he loves his children so deeply, no matter how well we perform that day. yes i may have sinned the first thing in the morning, but he is not keeping track throughout the day to see if i can 'do better' by the time i go to bed again. i do not have to live in bondage any longer.
i really could keep going, but this is getting quite lengthy. as a final thought though, i have to say that i am so incredibly thankful for this time in my life. would i have chosen it? no. would i willingly choose it again? tough question. life is full of pain, but the things that the Lord has been teaching me these past 2 weeks, and the ways in which he has radically changed my perspective to be more focused on him than myself have been worth the thousands of tears and hours of heartache. i'm also so very very grateful to the women who have poured wisdom and truth into my life (and who continue to do so!), as well as for D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones' book Spiritual Depression. i think i can safely say that besides the Bible, no other book has so dramatically influenced my mind in thinking rightly about God, and i praise the Lord for the lessons i am learning through this reading.
am i perfect now? good heavens, no. do i still have things to learn and sin hiding in my life that i am unware of? of course. but my precious, precious Jesus is bigger than all that, and he loves me.
H
going through a difficult period these past 2 weeks or so has brought so much out of the shadows of my heart into a penetrating light. i sit at the table, a lamp aimed at my soul, and the Questioner sitting across from my trembling frame. but this interrogation has gone quite differently than i had originally imagined. the Questioner seeks, with his painful yet gentle probing, to give hope during and after my interview, and not with the result that i walk away with my head hung in shame.
there is so much i want to share about all this, and my humanly-limited communication cannot do it all justice, but here are a few ideas and truths that have turned my thinking upside down in the past week. i say these things wanting to be clear that it is the Lord Jesus Christ who has illuminated my soul and my mind, not by any wisdom derived on my own. so here we go:
1) i have come to realize a great tragedy in the way that i have been living my life. have i been raised and trained in solid, biblical truth? yes. do i still believe that the Lord saved me at a young age? yes. but so many of those twenty years have been spent living in a spiritual depression. and i'm not trying to sugar-coat my words. the thoughts of my mind and the actions of my life have been heavily influenced by a dark (and might i add, strong) hold of depression. not so much on the suicidal end of the pendulum, but i can see quite clearly that i have lost much of my true joy and peace in life. i have lived in fear and guilt. i have begged for the Lord's forgiveness for my sins over and over again, not knowing for sure if he still keeps them written down somewhere or refers back to them. but this cannot be! "a depressed Christian is a contradiction in terms" says the worn-pages of D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. i know that i have a problem, and i know that the Lord has a solution. but how am i to find this and how will i change?
2) i am not alone. though very humbling to admit my struggles, i have to come to see that even great pillars of the christian faith--such as Moses, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Paul, Luther, Charles Spurgeon, and others also wrestled through these thoughts. and when we are honest in looking our problems square in the eye and facing the truth that we need help, it is then that God can do something about it. to refuse to admit these things is not just stupid, but detrimental. and not only am i not alone in my battle with depression, but it is actually much more common than i had ever realized, particularly with those of us who have been raised in the church with solid teaching from an early age. i am not discrediting the background that the Lord blessed me with, and i am so thankful for the home in which i grew up, but i will also be quite frank is saying that until the past two weeks, i had never truly understood some of the most basic principles of the christian life.
3) i have lived many years of my life having been taught about the "rightness of God," but have just now been learning how that rightness is to be actually obtained. for too long, i have thought that i could obtain favor from God and be granted his pleasure if i could just sin less each day and bring a smile to his face by what i did or thought. while that seems simple and good enough, it has left an impenetrable void in my heart because i have failed to come to the most inner workings of my theology about God. i have lived my days trying to conform to God's standards and live by the Law, because i think that it will please him if i look and act more godly each day. again, does this initially seem like an accepted point of view? perhaps. but my thinking has always been motivated by an incorrect perception of God's character and a fear that somehow i might "mess up" and not actually bring him honor for the day. for so many nights of my life, i've laid my head to rest on the pillows in guilt and morbid introspection, pleading that God take away my sins of the day and give new mercies in the morning. i view God as a Loving Friend when the day goes well, as a Protecting Father when i am scared of certain situations, but as an Annoyed Judge when the day's events dont match up with what his word tell me to do.
4) But this is not God! he is a Savior, a Refuge, a Stronghold, a Rock, a Tower of Strength (and i could go on). And not just this, but he loves me every day the same as the day before--infinitely more than i can imagine--and he does not treat me differently when i am full of sin as when i am in line with holiness. again, Lloyd-Jones says, "You are no more hopeless than the most respectable, self-righteous person in the world." God sent Jesus to the earth to save all sinners, not just the ones who have been murderers, adulterers, rapists, and terrorists. Not just the ones who lived a life filled with drugs and then did a 180 when they turned to Christ. No, he came for all people--people like me who have lived in a christian environment my whole life and who unknowingly let depression deplete the joy in their hearts. he came for the people who may look like fabulous christians, but who simply do not fully love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. it makes no difference to him. and it brings him joy to save them all. he does not say "oh gosh, heather's back. well, i guess i saved her earlier and she's been in a lot of problems, but now that she's saved i might as well let her stay in my presence." NO! he rejoices over me and calls me his precious daughter! i am seen not as the sinner i am, but as Jesus with his righteousness because i have put my faith in Christ. do you understand this? Jesus--the perfect one, God's beloved, the spotless Lamb, always faithful and obedient--i am seen wearing his robes, not my sin and guilt-stained rags. God has forgiven all my sin (past, present, and future), paying for it once and for always on the cross. “It is one sacrifice, once and forever. He would never come back to the cross again. All the sins were dealt with there finally and completely, everything. Nothing was left undone—‘It is finished’” (ML-J). i should not and must not believe the lies that i have held onto for so many years that have taken away my assurance of his pleasure in me. i've never doubted that i am a believer and follower of Christ, but i have definitely doubted often the intense love God says he gives to his children because i never knew if he really approved of me despite my overwhelming failures.
5) so then, i cannot move forward until i have realized this true conviction of sin and a right view of God's view of me and of his character. but now what? i broke down wednesday night, sobbing in joy because of these things but still questioning where to go from there. so i kept reading, kept studying. how must i respond? submit myself to God's word. read it, study it, live it, share it. i cannot assume i know what it is saying--that has been shown to me so clearly this week because i have lived for years with an incorrect interpretation of Scripture--i need to have a right view of God and the greatness of the gospel, and i hope and pray that i never lose those, though i'm sure i will forget often, as i'm prone to do. and the results of this submission to God's word? the effects it will have on us when we rest in him, as Hebrews 4 so beautifully assures? joy, not fear. thankfulness, not guilt. “It is because we belong to Him that the devil will do his utmost to disturb and upset us. He cannot rob us of our salvation, thank God, but...he can make us miserable. He can, if we are foolish enough to listen to him, seriously limit our enjoyment of our salvation" (ML-J). we will revert back to reflecting on our failures and questioning God's love and acceptance. let me be clear: true joy in Christ and his word is not the superficial, short-lived highs of thinking what God has done for me, which, i'll be the first to admit, is what i've often mistaken it as. no, true joy is when your heart is breaking in a circumstance and you cling and cry to the Lord every night if need be, and you find the rest he promises by banking on the fact that: yes, i'm a very great sinner. but my Lord is a very great Savior. and if he says that he loves me, how dare i believe otherwise? how dare i try to prove to him that i'm worth his love? i'm not and will never be, on my own, and yet he loves his children so deeply, no matter how well we perform that day. yes i may have sinned the first thing in the morning, but he is not keeping track throughout the day to see if i can 'do better' by the time i go to bed again. i do not have to live in bondage any longer.
i really could keep going, but this is getting quite lengthy. as a final thought though, i have to say that i am so incredibly thankful for this time in my life. would i have chosen it? no. would i willingly choose it again? tough question. life is full of pain, but the things that the Lord has been teaching me these past 2 weeks, and the ways in which he has radically changed my perspective to be more focused on him than myself have been worth the thousands of tears and hours of heartache. i'm also so very very grateful to the women who have poured wisdom and truth into my life (and who continue to do so!), as well as for D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones' book Spiritual Depression. i think i can safely say that besides the Bible, no other book has so dramatically influenced my mind in thinking rightly about God, and i praise the Lord for the lessons i am learning through this reading.
am i perfect now? good heavens, no. do i still have things to learn and sin hiding in my life that i am unware of? of course. but my precious, precious Jesus is bigger than all that, and he loves me.
H
Sunday, February 12, 2012
psalm 62
my soul finds rest in God alone
my salvation comes from him
he alone is my rock and my salvation
he is my fortress
i shall never be shaken.
my salvation comes from him
he alone is my rock and my salvation
he is my fortress
i shall never be shaken.
Monday, February 6, 2012
by meredith andrews.
i search for love
when the night came and it closed in
i was alone
but You found me where I was hiding
and though i'll never ever be the same
it was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing
"you're not alone
for I am here
let Me wipe away every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
all of your life"
you cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
all hope seems lost
with heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
you've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
sayin'
"you're not alone
for I am here
let Me wipe away your every tear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
and I'm the one that's love you all your life
all your life
faithful and true...forever
for My love will carry you....
you're not alone
for I...I am here
let me wipe away every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
your darkest nights
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
all of your life"
when the night came and it closed in
i was alone
but You found me where I was hiding
and though i'll never ever be the same
it was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing
"you're not alone
for I am here
let Me wipe away every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
all of your life"
you cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
all hope seems lost
with heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
you've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
sayin'
"you're not alone
for I am here
let Me wipe away your every tear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
and I'm the one that's love you all your life
all your life
faithful and true...forever
for My love will carry you....
you're not alone
for I...I am here
let me wipe away every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
your darkest nights
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
all of your life"
Thursday, February 2, 2012
for an aching heart
you O Lord are my strength and my shield
my fortress
the one who lifts my weary head
my comforter, my rock
my water when i thirst in the desert
you are my safety and my delight
my stronghold
with your loving arms wrapped tightly around my trembling frame
you love me
you rejoice over me
you lavish me with gifts
you are my healer, my great physician
the one who knows all things
you hold me gently in your hand
and protect me under your wings
you touch my chin and tilt it upward, not to the ground
you wipe the thousands and thousands of tears
and keep them safe in a bottle for your own glory
you are my teacher when i am foolish
my guide when i am lost
and my hope when i so desperately want to despair
you relieve the fears and worries that knock at my heart's door
you argue my salvation before the throne
and take the pain and the sin that shouldve been mine
you are my rest, my peace, my satisfaction
you cover me with grace and mercy
you calm my anxious thoughts
and still my restless soul
you are my defense, my help, my wisdom
you are my leader, my deliverer, and my king
yes, O Lord, you are my joy.
H
my fortress
the one who lifts my weary head
my comforter, my rock
my water when i thirst in the desert
you are my safety and my delight
my stronghold
with your loving arms wrapped tightly around my trembling frame
you love me
you rejoice over me
you lavish me with gifts
you are my healer, my great physician
the one who knows all things
you hold me gently in your hand
and protect me under your wings
you touch my chin and tilt it upward, not to the ground
you wipe the thousands and thousands of tears
and keep them safe in a bottle for your own glory
you are my teacher when i am foolish
my guide when i am lost
and my hope when i so desperately want to despair
you relieve the fears and worries that knock at my heart's door
you argue my salvation before the throne
and take the pain and the sin that shouldve been mine
you are my rest, my peace, my satisfaction
you cover me with grace and mercy
you calm my anxious thoughts
and still my restless soul
you are my defense, my help, my wisdom
you are my leader, my deliverer, and my king
yes, O Lord, you are my joy.
H
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