grandma

today i spent several solid hours cleaning my grandma's house. earlier is better for her because later in the day she gets headaches and has to lay down, being too worn out to do much. my uncle and his 5 year old daughter live there too, so i actually was "cinderella's maid," while my cousin dragged her dolls and toys around the house, begging for attention. kinda funny how you can (sometimes) convince kids that work can be fun. so while "cinderella" rode the train back and forth from the living room to the front room, i cleaned, occasionally stopping to get on the couch--i mean the train--for the next stop. we even had a tea party for lunch and i got to talk to her about Jesus, which i was really excited about, though she didn't have much interest.

anyways, as i washed windows and vacuumed cobwebs and scrubbed floors, i thought about my grandma. my grandma's a talker and an actress, a country gal and a movie star. she's stubborn but generous. she worries a lot. she loves chocolate and coke. she's the center of attention, and yet i think she's still very lonely at times. she's talked before about how she "goes to church" and "prays every night for so-and-so's life because it's so messed up," but i wonder if she really understood today when we talked about the heart and how God sees and knows our deepest thoughts and motivations and desires. i often get the feeling that that's fine for you but i'm comfortable in my religion the way it is. her words and actions contradict each other all the time, and i wish so much that she would give her life to Jesus. i'm not the one to judge her relationship with Christ, but it is evident that she's searching for something more to life--she's just not sure if she wants to accept the cold hard truth. the truth that Jesus stated over and over again, so clearly: there's only one way to be saved and that's by surrendering to him, by giving our lives to him.

sometimes when i'm over there at her house, i get angry in my heart. i become bitter inside, wishing she would stand up when she's being taken advantage of and see the reality of situations or decisions. i think to myself, God why cant she see how stupid that is? why is it so hard for her to accept this? wont you please break her pride and show her how wrong she is?

but today, i wasnt angry or bitter. i was saddened and burdened for her. i may only have a few more years with my grandma and then she might be gone forever...like, forever. and only the Lord knows where her heart's truly at. but i almost teared up today because my grandma just doesn't get it. everytime i clean for her, she always has to pay me or compensate somehow. as i was leaving, she pressed a check into my hands saying "you deserve this--now don't you argue with me." and i looked back at her and said, "grandma, the next time i come over i dont want you to pay me. i want to do this for free. because i'm your granddaughter and i love you." she has such a hard time accepting something free, and i think it's much the same way with Jesus. it's too hard to imagine Someone giving up their life for me--a rotten sinful person--so there must be something i can do to make up for it. something to balance it out, to make me feel better about it, something that i am responsible to do in order to gain the promise of eternal life.

no dear grandma, it's free.

forgiving and sacrificing Abba, grant me more compassion for my grandma. change my heart of frustration to one of love and service, even when she doesn't understand. Abba please, please change her...save her soul and call her your daughter. enlighten her heart to see you for who you really are. break the pride that's keeping her from accepting your mercy and grace. you know her better than anyone else knows her, better than she knows herself. peel away the layers that are trying to keep you out God, and renew her. let me be faithful to check on her more often and see how she's doing spiritually, and pray for her every day. create compassion in me for her, Abba, and a deep desire to give you praise, no matter what happens.