save them, Lord.

it's 2.11am and i can't sleep tonight.
there's so much that's been racing through my brain the last half hour. at times i want to break down and cry in desperation to my Jesus, but i also want to get up and plan how to change the world and tell more people about God's salvation. [to avoid those extremes i will choose an alternate route of blogging for a few minutes]. :)

most of my thoughts have centered on kidsfest. and oh how i love the precious children who've been coming. it is truly a joy to pray for them and talk to them about Christ and his work throughout history. i've had the privilege of getting to know these 100 plus children (some more so than others, but all-in-all, the heart of "pbc kids"), and i guess the Lord has just put a deep love for them in my heart. call it what you will--motherly instinct, years of experience with children and teaching--i say it's a gift from the Lord. not-secretly, i'm proud to call them "my kids" because i do feel a certain amount of "ownership" of them, in a humbling way. and the way they give me hugs, high fives, and snippets of their lives just melts my heart away [it really does].

but to be fair and true, i've also seen the sinful nature of these little ones. disobedience, defiance, outbursts of anger, attitudes of jealousy or superiority, unkindness, unthankfulness, and the list could go on. now don't get me wrong--i wrote in the order i did for a purpose--i love these children so very very much. but they are still capable of wickedness against Creator God, and they show it in ways that are sometimes more evident.

oh how my heart breaks for them! i keep praying over and over that God would call them to true repentance of sin and acceptance of his grace! that he'd teach each little soul who comes on sunday nights the gravity of the gospel's message, and the right response we should have! and yet, even some of my babies who have decided to give their lives to Jesus and follow him still manifest sin in their lives, and that grieves me too. but oh how much more it grieves the heart of the Heavenly King, in whose presence they are sinning.

and they are no different than adult-christians who claim God's name but break his law. Lord, please forgive me for the innumerable ways i've chosen evil over righteousness! change my heart, O God, and cleanse it from sin and filth! i am so unworthy to be called your child, to be a director for this ministry, to be a teacher of your truths...but you know my weak frame and you extend perfect, unchanging, immeasurable, holy, patient, loving grace to me. and i thank you so much, Lord! i hope everyone who knows me can see that the only reason that my life is here is because of Christ, and in him i will boast. he is wise and good and kind and forgiving and teaching and patient and glorious and powerful and so much more.

i pray with all the strength God has given me that my pbc children will one day understand these things and grow to become even more than i will ever be for Christ. Lord, though i may never see the fruit of the work you've set out for me to do, you know all things. bring this group of children into your family one day, Father.

i praise you because you deserve all praise and because you alone are God.


H