so yesterday i had a meltdown. i didnt know what in the world i was doing trying to become a teacher, i was sick of job possibilities falling through, and i wanted to quit eveything. i bawled to my best friend, and again today to my sister-in-law about how i'm a failure and dont wanna try anymore and how this is just isnt my thing.
[leanne gave me a hug and somehow managed to turn it into a funny laughing situation--she has such a talent for that! amy suggested hiding in a closet with a paper bag over my head and even offered to provide the bag...how thoughtful!] ;)
the point is, i've been a self-pitying scaredy-cat and letting the sin of anxiety and worry rule me. i havent been grateful for the many blessings i have, such as the opportunity to get a solid education and even the chance to learn how to become a teacher. i've been looking at things from the wrong angle. i've unknowingly let myself be driven by the extrinsic goals of getting a teaching credential, finding a job, and making money. true, these are good things to strive towards, but they should not be my life goals (even if they're only short-term). no, instead i should be motivated intrisincally, wanting to use the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and use them to increase His reputation. God was the one who gave me a love for children and for working with them. God was the one who blessed me with an ability to communicate with kids and be energetic and creative with them. God was the one who helped me write those lesson plans and who helped me improve what needed fixing. and he is the one i should be thinking about in all of this. not myself. who am i to decide whether i will use his gift or not? somehow i mix up our roles far too often and far too easily.
instead of complaining about how i dont want to teach, or how i am nervous and scared of what will happen (which, anyone feels when they're taking risks), i should be confident that the Lord will teach me something. it will probably be something completely different from what i'm expecting--as he is prone to doing--but it is always something i need to learn, and which he deems best for me. and anything worth doing has risks involved. consider teaching--does the benefit of knowing i did my best before Christ to train these little ones outweigh the fear i may have inside me..(the fear that every good teacher faces as they start out)? heck yes it does. no, it doesnt take away that fear, but it puts it into perspective a little more. and what is fear really? it is doubting that what God has is good. it's doubting that his plans are perfect and blameless and that he is in control. it's trying to take charge of the situation.
that leads to my next area of struggle--a job. for those of you who read this, some of you know i've been looking [again] for work, as both my part-time jobs ended in december. it's really discouraging being led to believe a company will hire, only to be let down again and again. or to just be told "no, sorry we're not hiring right now....but you can put in an application anyways...." oh great thanks, well that's really helpful now isnt it. but you know, i've been negative and selfish about that as well. i've been looking for what i want out of this, not trying to find the Lord's will or even just trying to discover what he wants me to learn through this tedious process. i've been trying to take over and tell God what's good for me, when he keeps saying, "no heather--what i have is even better."
gosh i just love him so much! even through my feeble attempts to take control and turn away from him or the times when i allow pride and selfishness and pity to characterize how i go about the day and interact with people....even through all that, he is so full of forgiveness and patience and love. and he reminds me faithfully every day that he is there, waiting for me to surrender to him. waiting for me to realize that it doesnt matter if a find a job or not--he will provide. somehow, someday, in some way, he will provide for my needs [not wants]. and what a comforting thought that is, because he knows them better than i do.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 says,
"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, through the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,
yet i will exult in the LORD, i will rejoice in the God of my salvation. the Lord GOD is my strength, and he has made my feet like hind's feet, and makes me walk on high places."
H
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