blackberry tears

there are certain people in the world who live in a [mostly] extreme sort of way. they fight and climb to the heights of mountains, where nothing can deter exuberance and victorious joy, but these same people also battle forceful emotions in the pit of dusty, brown deserts. does this make them volatile and moody?--one may ask. perhaps, but not necessarily.

and yet, why am i at war inside? why does my mind become a tangled confusion when i determine to organize its shelves?

on the one hand, the mirror reveals a selfish, stubborn, independently-cold heart. fear pushes its way through the door, and meddles with several of the once-clearly marked shelves. i thought i was fine, i thought i had won....[she whispers, then collapses to the ground sobbing]...what's happening? have i disappointed him too greatly this time? will he still take me back? you.must.let.go...to all you have ever wanted or loved.

the mirror discloses such a hideous x-ray, that she wants to shatter the glass to rid herself of the evidence. but hidden deep in the secret chambers of the heart, there was placed a gift. and at times, though it seems so minute, it is the only treasure to which she clings. the treasure of faith. now, faith is the assurance of what is hoped for--the certainty of what is not [yet] seen. and she knows that some day the truth will be seen, but the day will not be unveiled before its proper time.

so while the confusion and the swings of joy and fear continue,
while she desperately tries to sacrifice herself on the altar--
as she has been commanded--
she walks forward, though blindfolded by naivety,
yet with full confidence that her pathway is secure
following the still, soft voice of the One she loves dearly.

H

advice for a 4th grade teacher.

[from the current 4th grade class]:

"Here is some advice about Fourth grade. Fourth grade is where kids mature and sometimes immature. If we are too immature, we change cards."

"On Mondays and Fridays, it is very loud because of high school chapel."

"A word of advice is: Once in a while make silly faces to make the kids laugh."

"Sometimes kickball gets out of hand."

"4th grade is a blast...you will not be bored."

"When the overhead gets too hot it turns off."

"When your class is being bad, take away minutes from recess one by one."

"Here, teachers teach kids in mind and soul. While a teacher, you may have to teach some things more than once."

[after giving me advice on birthday parties and recess times] "That is how we do fourth grade."

delish

i made coconut mango chicken salad for dinner tonight, and it was DIVINE! whoever created that recipe was a genius.

yikes

this is what i'll be teaching in 6 weeks....what the heck did i get myself into?!

breakthrough

Sitting on the table with my feet on a chair, I tossed the ball up with one hand and caught it several times. The door opened, and two students walked in, backpacks slung over their shoulders. They were obviously tired after a windy day of school, and most likely not in the mood for doing more math. Javier briefly looked up from watching his feet take one step in front of the other, but as soon as he saw what I was doing, his head jerked back up.

"I'm so good at basketball, Miss Olewiler! I'm pretty much the best one of all my friends...plus, I can throw it 3 meters and make it in the hoop with my eyes closed!"

"Oh really?" I said, being purposefully skeptical. "Then you'll have to prove it to me."

"Are we gonna play basketball, Miss Olewiler? Please? I mean, if we finish early and stuff can we play a little?" he pleaded.

"Pull out your homework, Javier. And as you're doing that, I wanna tell you something."

To be honest, I'd never seen him come alive with anything, but putting together some clues and intuition, I'd decided I was going to make him my "project" and he wasn't getting off the hook--though he had no idea.

"Javier," I said, looking him dead in the eyes, "this basketball is yours."

I let the words hang for a few seconds...."It's for you, but you can't have it right now. If you can prove to me that you will try your best, put forth effort in class, and start picking up the pace for learning, then you'll take this basketball home with you in 3 weeks. I'm not saying your work has to be perfect. I'm saying you're going to try your best and be willing to learn. You don't have to enjoy it, but I know you can do better than what you're showing your teachers right now."

His eyes didn't move, even after I stopped talking.

"And as soon as you finish your homework page, we're going outside."

I wasn't sure what was going through his ten-year-old brain at that moment, but whatever it was, it was enough to cause him to sit up straighter, pull out his math homework, and begin working without me having to give directions or review how to add. True, it took a few good solid minutes to finish the page, but only one out of about 30 questions was incorrect.

We played "Math-Ball" for about fifteen minutes. "Three times two plus four," I said as I bounced it to him.

"Uh....wait...wait....hold on.....ten!"

"Ten times nine."

"Uh-ninety!"

"Four times three plus one."

"Thirteen!"

.....

"Now Javier, I'm going to put your basketball right here under my desk until tomorrow, ok? We'll pull it out again and use it for subtraction and division."

"Okay! Bye Miss Olewiler! See you tomorrow!"

.....

Now I know I'm not the greatest teacher in the world...but sometimes, you have those moments when you've been fighting and fighting, and you finally crack the glass. And it's in those moments when everything's worth the fight. We're definitely not done--we have three weeks of intense cramming before testing--but I am determined that Javier will earn that basketball, and I'm going to remind him of it as often as I need to.

Hey....eight bucks is worth a kid passing fourth grade.

projects of today.

no.

sometimes
the answer is no.

and you want a yes
or even a hopeful no,

but sometimes, the answer is simply no.

and it can be a hard kind of no
but you bank on the fact that
later down the road
there will be a better yes.

H

overload

i'll be honest....
i'm mentally freaking out right now. my brain is on overload, and everything is so jumbled together that i can't think straight. i have the jitters and haven't really eaten or slept well the last 30 hours (nor do i really want to, i'm so antsy). but don't worry! it's because of good things that are going on...they're just very big good things.

met with my pastor yesterday, and a friend and i have been given the privilege and responsibility of Children's Ministry Directors for our church's summer kids program! he's done it before, but we're both starting fresh for this year and are super excited. normally, planning for this summer program begins in january and i guess they typically have a lot of the details already in place by now. but for us, it's late april and nothing's been started yet, so it's up to us. like i said, exciting but a huge responsibility. last night we hashed out some of the bigger points, designed an outline for the curriculum, and were even able to write some general summaries that each week will focus on. i'm in the middle of creating a manual (for organizational purposes, accountability, and for future directors to use if they choose), and as soon as Easter's over, we're going public, so it's gotta happen this week!

received an email today from my contact in china--i'm officially going for 2-3 weeks for the summer to teach English over there, and now that i have some more specifics i can start moving ahead. not just that i can, but i need to....and fast. in 2 short months i'll be boarding a plane for hong kong, and there's a lot to do to make it happen. plane tickets, medical shots, visa, housing, transportation, schedule of events, curriculum planning (waiting to receive the textbooks)...everything!! holy cow! i can't believe this is actually happening....

on top of that, i have to work on lesson plans for work, job applications, furlough plans for a church family, about 10 podcast sessions to finish for counseling, regular Sunday School to plan for the next month, and meeting with lots of people, to name the big ones. :) now don't get the idea that i'm complaining, but i'm really not--i'm actually extremely thankful and blessed, but i also just realize how critical it is to use every moment of each day. and thankfully, i'm not doing all this alone (haha...otherwise i'd fail!)...no, the Lord is right beside me, and i just keep looking up at him and laughing at the ways he works.

okay, that's it for tonight. i could go on about what's racing through my thoughts, but i've spent enough time already. i know that it'll be a busy few months coming up, but i'm so ready to see what lessons and joys the Lord has planned!

H

here we go

so many thoughts and emotions running through my head tonight....i'm challenged to think big picture, to be faithful, to look at responsibilities i've been given, to encourage a sweet new friend, to train little ones, to plan and prepare, to laugh more, and to be thankful.

i am incredibly blessed.

H

things i call beauty

do you ever think about stepping gently into a musicbox
letting it play ever so softly while you turn and dance with grace?
do you ever laugh yourself silly like a ten-year-old with her girlfriends
talking for hours in your over-sized high heels and pink lipstick?
do you sit and drink in the night stars and city lights
wishing that you'd never have to say goodbye to them?
do you ever imagine the life of a yellow rose, wild and free
singing as she's fascinated by a luring spring rain?
do you breathe in the loveliness of enchanting strings
and piano glissandos as they tease each other?