let her be

why don't they understand?
can't they see?
they're tearing me apart with their ignorance
their encouragement is breaking my heart and causing doubts to rise
i was fine, i was victorious
but their questions--over and over--their assumptions
has eaten me away and i can't stand it
why can't they just be silent
and really think before speaking?
i'm sick of it all
they just don't get it
they don't see because their eyes are closed
don't they know what it's taken me?
why can't they stop and try for once
to honestly look at it from my perspective
and take my words for what i really say
i hate the pity, the sympathy
because i'd rather grow by myself
than be stunted by "advice" and "encouragement"
if you're going to do that, then just let me be
turn your hurtful eyes
and say nothing at all.

mid-july

cooking class
phone calls
homemade enchiladas
hindi movie

excellent day. <3


H

5 minute rain

i just adore the rain
even if it comes and goes in a matter of minutes...
as soon as i heard the pitter-patter of that hot, summer rain
i (literally) ran downstairs and stood outside
smiling and watching it fall
as the sleepy sun sinks down behind the clouds...


and then,
it was gone.



H

thy mercy

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

Caedmon's Call

having the right perspective

I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer
MY LIFE HE BOUGHT, MY LOVE HE OWNS
I HAVE NO LONGINGS FOR ANOTHER
I’M SATISFIED IN HIM ALONE
I will glory in my Redeemer
HIS FAITHFULNESS MY STANDING PLACE
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle's wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I'll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold

torn

what do i do, Lord? what do you want me to do?

there are so many options vying for my attention, so many paths i could take--and in some respects i want to take--but i cannot travel them all. do You want me to teach? in the states or somewhere else? india? right now or later? should i stay and get more training? should i clear my credential? should i work where i was accepted or keep looking? oh God, please forgive me for my lack of trust in You! forgive me for the many times i tell You what i want to do! let my heart only be to do Your will, not mine! but oh Lord, please make it clear to me, i'm begging You! i am being pulled in so many directions and i need Your wisdom and guidance. i need the counsel of others. break my pride, Father, and look down with patience on Your daughter. let me dwell safely in Your loving arms tonight, Jesus, and fill my mind with thoughts of You, not of worry about the future. You are the God of Abraham, Joshua, Isaiah, Paul, James, Solomon, David, and You led each of them in the way You had chosen. show the way for Your servant, oh Lord. bring me contentment as i learn to forsake everything but You.


H

day 42

Going Places with God by Wayne Stiles
"Where Sorrow Leads"
Matthew 26:69-27:14

Today a peaceful monastery in Jerusalem's southern valley offers no clue to the horrific atrocities that occurred near there in the days of Judah's kings. In Jesus' day, the city dump lay in this gorge. Some suggest that fires continually burned trash, and so Jesus used the smoldering landfill as an illustration of hell's eternal flames.

One has to wonder if this is the reason Judas's desperate regret led him to this ravine known as the Hinnom Valley. For here, according to tradition, the guilt-ridden betrayer of Christ hung himself and then fell headlong, spilling his innards. Hence, the residents later named the place "Hakeldama" or "Field of Blood" (see Acts 1:18-19). On that same day, Peter committed a sin just as wrong as Judas did, and yet Peter's regret just resulted in a good cry (and a changed life). What made the difference?

Like these two disciples, as we come face to face with the raw truth of our carnal hearts, our guilt will lead us in one of two directions. As Paul wrote, "For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death" (2 Corinthians 7:10). While Judas's sorrow led him to a needless, desperate act--bowing to sin's penalty--Peter's sorrow led him to grace...to seeking sin's remedy.

God intends the pangs of shame to lead us away from our guilt and toward his grace. For although sin leads us down into the Hinnom Valley, Jesus offers us the path back out--up to Calvary. With our sins forgiven, we then have no reason to feel shame but every reason to embrace the new life Jesus offers.

Traditional location of the Valley of Hinnom

a playhouse, a long phone call, & a fish

i'm surprised i even woke up this morning. last night i got 2 "wrong numbers" after midnight and wouldnt be called an "early bird" these days. i had contemplated committing to clean for a lady at 8am on a saturday, but hey--it's a job and every little bit helps. so yes, the blaring alarm got me out of bed (not just to hit the snooze and fall back down again, as is my habit lately) and i was actually out of the house a few minutes earlier than planned.

she cracks me up. always smiling and laughing about something, always a story to tell, whether it's her kids or grandkids, or neighbors. part of me wonders at times why she trusts a "stranger" to clean while she leaves for work or errands, but then i remember oh yeah, that's one of the blessings of being fellow God-followers...you're not a complete stranger..you can immediately connect in your relationship with Him and realize you're "family." :) so today i cleaned an old, wooden playhouse, no doubt used for years and years. it definitely wasnt the typical plastic, everything-is-safety-proof-for-kids-under-12-&-labeled-with-warning-stickers houses they make today. it was cute, with silk roses in the worn flowerbox on the front porch and faded white paint peeling everywhere. it took me back to childhood memories, when my cousin and i would play house in her wooden cottage with the 2 part door (my favorite part) and the bunk bed above a very cramped kitchen. ahh but now those days have flown away, and the closest i can get to them is hosing off cob-webbed dishes for children half my height.

one o'clock. time to call a friend. we talked for 2 hours & 40 minutes, to be exact. but each minute was well-spent, and i drank in the knowledge she shared about africa, trying to translate it to indian terms. let's just say i have a lot to chew on, and it will be a tougher meal to swallow than i am expecting...and yet...one that will [if the Lord is willing] sweep away all other tastes i've tried before. i'm realizing more and more how utterly dependent i have to be on God to make this whole india thing happen. he's quite simply and yet so complexly the only one who could pull it all off. i'll share more musings on that another day.

dinner rolled around and i've been really wanting to make fish. not exactly sure how to conquer my little albertsons' salmon fillet from the seafood section, i took a knife to it (admittedly a quite dull one, since none other was to be found). poor fish. the goal was to separate the skin from the meat. was the goal accomplished? only half-way. i kept laughing and thinking what i'd do if i was in india and i actually had to fish for and chop up that salmon myself. well, i decided to just leave the skin on and dress it up, except that i didnt have some of the ingredients called for by my oh-so-handy cookbook. solution? make it up. so a few minutes later, my salmon fillet--covered with crushed cheez-its and basil and parmesian cheese--went into the oven. i think it wouldve tasted the most excellent it could have tasted if the accompanying rice didnt cook so fast and burn. but hey, if i missed pulling out any bones there was nothing to worry about since i couldnt distinguish them from the cheez-its anyways.

well...tomorrow is sunday and i'm looking forward to church and spending time with Jesus along with those in my church family.

goodnight to you who read this. and if you dont, well that's alright with me. its just some thoughts of the day. :)


H

thoughts

it's one of those days where i just had to really live up to the title of this blog. i've been itching to go to india and thinking a lot about it lately...then i had this long conversation with my parents and i feel so inadequate and yet still want to go so bad it hurts. and i'm sitting on my bed crying as i type because i so desperately want to be in God's will about all this. and i have so much to do and think about and research and learn, and i honestly admit my anxiety and worry that i won't be able to do what i want to do in life. but even more than that, my heart just aches that i haven't been honoring the Lord by trusting in His plan for my life. oh God, please forgive me for my selfishness, my pride! i'm begging you--please! i want to do what is right and true and honorable and pure and excellent! help me live uprightly!

i can't write anymore--the screen is blurring as the pain in my heart is too overwhelming. i'll finish this later.

blue china

the sun's rays woke me up early this morning
peeking through the slits of the curtains.
i secretly smiled as the blanket went back over my head
trying to take advantage of just a little more sleep.

i love the view i share with the window.
partially blocked by a large tree,
separating my room from the neighbor's house,
i can gaze outside at the ever-changing sky
which i have no doubt will be heavenly on rainy afternoons.

downstairs, i am finding that this is a well-worn kitchen
and i am sure that hundreds of people have chatted
and cooked and laughed and cried here over the years.
today as i sat at the table, i felt like a character from a quaint, dusty novel
[the kind that silently sleeps on your grandmother's bookshelf, hiding its breathless adventures].
a bowl of fruit sat quietly in the center of a clean white tablecloth, the open shutters revealed an enchanting garden with the trickling sound of a mini waterfall, vines growing along the trellis were starting to bloom,
and my hands balanced a blue china teacup and saucer.

we sat there and talked for what seemed like ten minutes,
though it was likely more than an hour.
as usual, i had many thoughts dancing in my head,
but today i was content to just sit and listen
not the typical listening most people say--as in hearing the words, perhaps even muttering an agreement, but not quite remembering how they all fit together--
but actually listening to her and thinking about the words i was hearing.
the words we spoke cannot be fully described, as they might lose their wonder,
but i left the table in awe.
not at her, not at the words she had chosen
but at the grace of the Lord's work through her...in his deep love and forgiveness...in the way he abundantly provides for every need (and many desires)...in the lessons he teaches and the way he walks us through them...and in the way he heals and sets free.

my feeble attempts to express the thoughts of this afternoon cannot do justice to what the Lord deserves. even if i could write a series of volumes about everything he's done and the promises he's kept, i would never have enough pages. my worn bible is becoming even more dear to me each passing day, and i long for the times i can spend with my Savior, both talking to and listening to him. and the changes he's created in me come with the joy of telling others about his love...his vast, unsearchable, unchanging, sweet love.

for now, though, as i rest my head back down
and wait for the sun's greeting again tomorrow
i'm planning how to make the next day count, as today did,
and looking forward to another cup of tea in a blue china teacup.