to make a difference

sometimes i let myself start counting down
5 weeks left of lesson plans and 4th-5th grade
until i move on to bigger and better things...

not that that's wrong in and of itself, but i'm letting myself "quit." i'm pretty much saying, "this is all i have to do before then and i'll be free," when i should be saying "i only have this much time left in this particular place to make a difference--an opportunity i will never have again in the way i do now." and so, i'm going to fight that feeling of wanting to "just make it through." i have vowed to not let these weeks become a source of complaining (which is, of course, filthy sin in Jesus' eyes), but instead to commit each one of them to the Lord in the mornings when i wake up. and not just the week days when i need physical strength to get out of bed and stumble off to my classroom, but also on the weekends when i feel that i "deserve" a break...yes, saturday and sunday mornings too will be given to the Lord (i never remember Him saying anything about us "deserving" a chance to be selfish or to cop out on obeying him...okay, well at least that's how i often act on the weekends). and dont be afraid to call me out if start whining on facebook about all the stuff i have to do. there's a difference between having stuff to do and whining about it, trying to outdo your friends in how intense your own load is.

along those lines, i've been pondering the idea of discipline lately. not only discipline to keep from complaining and instead speaking uplifting words, but also discipline in the sense of sticking-it-out. not giving up when things are on the rough side...or even if they're on the smooth side but you want to coast through and not put a lot of effort into what you're doing. yeah....well, God's been reminding me this past week that i am creating lessons for Him. i'm teaching my kiddos for Him. i'm writing units and state papers for Him. i'm making popsicle-stick covered wagons for Him. and that means not leaving a job half-finished. or deciding which assignments i will do or wont do. after all, how can i expect that the "next thing" or the thing that i want to do will satisfy me, if i'm not content where i am right now? and these are the times that we often look back at and regret having wasted with our own self-absorbed thoughts and dreams...

okay now i kinda sense i'm rambling...anyways, my point is that i'm going to live out these weeks as if they were my last ones to live...as if i'm going to get hit by a car on may 19th and be killed. and that means--i'm going to make the most of them and start trying to change the world, one day at a time. sure, maybe i wont accomplish that....

but it's worth a try.

"the singing butler"

one of my favorite paintings :)
[by jack vettriano]

am i a hypocrite?

do you ever feel sometimes that you're just not doing things right? or that you're "happy" to serve God but you dont quite know why, and you know that you should know, or you know why you should but you're just not "feeling" it? do you ever feel pretty good about how you're doing, only to realize that you've got sin all over your life and other people probably see it, but you've been just to proud to even look for it? or even worse, you know something's not quite been right, but you really dont want to look deeper? do you ever have a passion to do something for the Lord, but then start worrying or thinking of your own ways to do it, insisting to God that you know what you're doing and he doesn't? do you ever get so overwhelmed in the many areas of your life that need change, that you just want to quit and not even try? ever go back and forth between sobbing to God of your wretchedness before his gaze and determinedly--almost angrily--trying to fight back on your own?

kinda makes you realize how weak and vulnerable you are. kinda makes you cry seeing how futile of a life you're living on your own. kinda reminds you that you're trying to get to heaven based on your actions. and that can make you fall into more depression because you look up and seee the huge hole you've fallen in, and which keeps getting deeper.

oh Lord, remind me what your grace means. remind me that i am weak and frail, but that it should cause me to cling even tighter to you, not push you away and try to get better on my own before coming to you. that i can't get out of the hole without your help reaching down to me. break the pride i have in even asking for your help. remind me that i don't need anything in this world except for you, no matter how tempting and alluring it seems. and please, Father, let me wake up refreshed tomorrow to love and serve you. remind me, even through tiredness and busyness, that you are the only way to a fulfilling, satisfied life.


H

fight

it is slowly subsiding
but the war is not over
i will not win until i die
but there is peace in fighting the battle
because i know Who's side i stand for--
there is victory on the far horizon.


H

scream

i cannot explain it
yet another night it tortures me
with piercing looks and relentless words
pouring into my soul
when will i escape this haunting burden
that suffocates my bleeding heart
and tries to choke me
no concern for feelings or emotions
it presses forward
pressing down, harder
i am being crushed and overwhelmed
to the point that i can bear it no longer
save me, o God, i pray
for my nights are restless
my dreams become nightmares
and the joy i love is being stifled

i am fighting one of the hardest and scariest wars yet that i have encountered, but i know this is only the beginning, if what i long for comes true.


H

10:36pm

it's broken, yet complete
it's hurting, yet at peace
it's confused, yet content
it's awful, yet beautiful

sometimes, there are groanings too deep for words. and when these come, i cannot give an answer that would please the human mind of reason and rationale. i can only let the tears run down, and turn over again and again--pleading, begging, weeping for so many things that occupy my feeble soul. i have died over and over, and yet it must be. no, it may not be what you think, because even i have no explanation. i have no descriptions for the turmoil inside--physically, spiritually, emotionally. every angle i am attacked, yet there is great comfort. why is this? my desperate heart clings to what i know is true, and cries out for answers to the unknown.

but i am not undone. i have promises, and to these i will run, escape, and hide.


and here,
there are no more words left.

run, go, push

He is good, He is enough, He is wise, He is loving.....


again, my theme verse for 2010.
now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, hope, and love with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. [2 Tim 2:22]


i don't understand....i just don't...

run, harder, faster, longer, stronger, go, go, go, push, push, push



H

realization of love

it's as if i've just had a revelation, though i know it's something i've heard so many times before.

this world was made by GOD.
it was made for GOD.
it was made through GOD'S design and plan.
it was made in GOD'S wisdom and creativity.
it belongs to GOD.

therefore, how can we live for ourselves? how can we think that everything revolves around us and our little problems? true, the Lord cares about each sparrow that falls to the ground, as well as everything that goes on in our lives, but the point of everything--yes, everything--is to reflect GOD. and we as human beings are the only creatures who do not perfectly obey Christ. all created nature and animals obey him, but we selfish beings live for our own benefit, not that of the One who made us and keeps us alive each day.

our response?

to love him. to adore each precious time we spend with him, whether that's reading and studying his letters to us or talking to him in prayer, or just living life with him. and how can we not tell others of the love he gives to us?! we who turn away from him, we who shun him and close the door when he knocks--we are loved and cherished by him!

what does this all mean, and why am i bringing it up? well, because i decided i'm going back to india. and yes i want to teach English, yes i want to do kids' camps, yes i want to experience the culture and get to know the people. but what good is all that--what good is any of it--if i dont tell them of the love of Christ Jesus? so they'll know English, who cares? what about their souls? i've been thinking a lot about this recently, and it doesn't matter to me anymore where exactly i end up over there, or if i'll be in a school teaching English, or whether i work with kids or adults. the only thing that matters to me is that i get the opportunities to tell others about Jesus--the one, true way for salvation. everything else comes after that. because if i'm bent on teaching English, i'll lose the big picture, that GOD who made me and owns my life is calling me (there is no option for saying "no thanks") to tell others that He is alive and that He is the only one who can save us from going to hell.

you know those days, when you realize something (often for the 30th time) and it just excites you?

yep....that's today.


H

upside down

oh india, my india,

i dont know what to write.
i've tried and started several times
but cant seem to get the words out
who are you?
and what are you like?
will you teach me?
will i see you soon?
my mind has been racing these past few days
and there's so much to surrender
give up
realizing that there's so much more out there
that's more worth it
sometimes you seem a million miles away
and other days you're on the front door step
waiting for me to open
and step out
there are times when my heart pounds
and i fear the future
even our next meeting
but there are other moments
[more often i admit]
when it excites me beyond comprehesible words
and i'm overwhelmed with joy at the thought of what will come
but will it come?
or am i deluding myself?
will i have to wait or will it be soon?
i'm so full of questions
and the answers are so confusing to me
i dont understand which way to go
or how to get where i long to be

but one answer is true, one answer is simple
the Lord will guide me one day at a time
and where he leads, when he leads,
i will follow.


H

three-seven-twenty-ten

two girls stand, looking in the mirror.

the first wears a dress and heels, and a string of pearls graces her neck. her hair is smoothly pinned up with the elegant air of sophistication. the bright eyes sparkle as she walks down the street at night, invigorated by the city lights and soft jazz music coming from a nearby coffee shop. she laughs at the world, taking in the moment and holding in her heart, sipping a latte.

the second wears worn jeans and a black t-shirt, with converse and bracelets. her hair is straight and chopped, and she keeps one knee bent, foot on the seat as she drives to the beach. there, the salty wind blows but she doesnt care. she, too, grabs a latte and heads to the edge of the pier where she sits and dangles her feet off the side. she, too, laughs at the world and hides her secrets.

but today, neither of these is present. today she's half of each, with soft curls and a hoodie, and a heart that's longing for adventure and thrill. today it's wishing for an airline ticket. yes, today it's the reminder that true beauty is from within, not from the sometimes-airbrushed, sometimes-cracked mirror. today it's being content with whoever's looking back out. but she's still going to laugh and sip that coffee, undaunted and determined.


H