fight

it is slowly subsiding
but the war is not over
i will not win until i die
but there is peace in fighting the battle
because i know Who's side i stand for--
there is victory on the far horizon.


H

scream

i cannot explain it
yet another night it tortures me
with piercing looks and relentless words
pouring into my soul
when will i escape this haunting burden
that suffocates my bleeding heart
and tries to choke me
no concern for feelings or emotions
it presses forward
pressing down, harder
i am being crushed and overwhelmed
to the point that i can bear it no longer
save me, o God, i pray
for my nights are restless
my dreams become nightmares
and the joy i love is being stifled

i am fighting one of the hardest and scariest wars yet that i have encountered, but i know this is only the beginning, if what i long for comes true.


H

10:36pm

it's broken, yet complete
it's hurting, yet at peace
it's confused, yet content
it's awful, yet beautiful

sometimes, there are groanings too deep for words. and when these come, i cannot give an answer that would please the human mind of reason and rationale. i can only let the tears run down, and turn over again and again--pleading, begging, weeping for so many things that occupy my feeble soul. i have died over and over, and yet it must be. no, it may not be what you think, because even i have no explanation. i have no descriptions for the turmoil inside--physically, spiritually, emotionally. every angle i am attacked, yet there is great comfort. why is this? my desperate heart clings to what i know is true, and cries out for answers to the unknown.

but i am not undone. i have promises, and to these i will run, escape, and hide.


and here,
there are no more words left.

run, go, push

He is good, He is enough, He is wise, He is loving.....


again, my theme verse for 2010.
now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, hope, and love with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. [2 Tim 2:22]


i don't understand....i just don't...

run, harder, faster, longer, stronger, go, go, go, push, push, push



H

realization of love

it's as if i've just had a revelation, though i know it's something i've heard so many times before.

this world was made by GOD.
it was made for GOD.
it was made through GOD'S design and plan.
it was made in GOD'S wisdom and creativity.
it belongs to GOD.

therefore, how can we live for ourselves? how can we think that everything revolves around us and our little problems? true, the Lord cares about each sparrow that falls to the ground, as well as everything that goes on in our lives, but the point of everything--yes, everything--is to reflect GOD. and we as human beings are the only creatures who do not perfectly obey Christ. all created nature and animals obey him, but we selfish beings live for our own benefit, not that of the One who made us and keeps us alive each day.

our response?

to love him. to adore each precious time we spend with him, whether that's reading and studying his letters to us or talking to him in prayer, or just living life with him. and how can we not tell others of the love he gives to us?! we who turn away from him, we who shun him and close the door when he knocks--we are loved and cherished by him!

what does this all mean, and why am i bringing it up? well, because i decided i'm going back to india. and yes i want to teach English, yes i want to do kids' camps, yes i want to experience the culture and get to know the people. but what good is all that--what good is any of it--if i dont tell them of the love of Christ Jesus? so they'll know English, who cares? what about their souls? i've been thinking a lot about this recently, and it doesn't matter to me anymore where exactly i end up over there, or if i'll be in a school teaching English, or whether i work with kids or adults. the only thing that matters to me is that i get the opportunities to tell others about Jesus--the one, true way for salvation. everything else comes after that. because if i'm bent on teaching English, i'll lose the big picture, that GOD who made me and owns my life is calling me (there is no option for saying "no thanks") to tell others that He is alive and that He is the only one who can save us from going to hell.

you know those days, when you realize something (often for the 30th time) and it just excites you?

yep....that's today.


H

upside down

oh india, my india,

i dont know what to write.
i've tried and started several times
but cant seem to get the words out
who are you?
and what are you like?
will you teach me?
will i see you soon?
my mind has been racing these past few days
and there's so much to surrender
give up
realizing that there's so much more out there
that's more worth it
sometimes you seem a million miles away
and other days you're on the front door step
waiting for me to open
and step out
there are times when my heart pounds
and i fear the future
even our next meeting
but there are other moments
[more often i admit]
when it excites me beyond comprehesible words
and i'm overwhelmed with joy at the thought of what will come
but will it come?
or am i deluding myself?
will i have to wait or will it be soon?
i'm so full of questions
and the answers are so confusing to me
i dont understand which way to go
or how to get where i long to be

but one answer is true, one answer is simple
the Lord will guide me one day at a time
and where he leads, when he leads,
i will follow.


H

three-seven-twenty-ten

two girls stand, looking in the mirror.

the first wears a dress and heels, and a string of pearls graces her neck. her hair is smoothly pinned up with the elegant air of sophistication. the bright eyes sparkle as she walks down the street at night, invigorated by the city lights and soft jazz music coming from a nearby coffee shop. she laughs at the world, taking in the moment and holding in her heart, sipping a latte.

the second wears worn jeans and a black t-shirt, with converse and bracelets. her hair is straight and chopped, and she keeps one knee bent, foot on the seat as she drives to the beach. there, the salty wind blows but she doesnt care. she, too, grabs a latte and heads to the edge of the pier where she sits and dangles her feet off the side. she, too, laughs at the world and hides her secrets.

but today, neither of these is present. today she's half of each, with soft curls and a hoodie, and a heart that's longing for adventure and thrill. today it's wishing for an airline ticket. yes, today it's the reminder that true beauty is from within, not from the sometimes-airbrushed, sometimes-cracked mirror. today it's being content with whoever's looking back out. but she's still going to laugh and sip that coffee, undaunted and determined.


H

raindrops

they fall to the ground
steady and smooth
creating a beautiful partition
between the world and i

those drops of wonder
of love and quiet beauty
that sparkle one moment
and hide away the next
with the entrance of the sun
and her golden rays

and i kneel by the glass-paned window
holding my breath
watching and waiting
for the magic to begin again
and draw me into itself

i'll join the drops
beating down upon my hair
and no concern will stop me
as i dance the rhythm of wet eyelashes
shining like silver shoes
with a soft unabashed smile.

goodbye 2nd grade

one more day with my little ones in room 23. boy i sure am going to miss this group, such sweet little ones, though they can have their moments. :) and i'll miss the talks with mrs. w---. i have learned much from her example. thank you Lord for the last 8 weeks and all that you have taught me. continue to train me to look more like you.


H