the first tears.

they came
tonight
when all was said and done.
a room so full
yet empty
with silent sadness
welling up inside.
and not of fear,
nor of concern for how it'd passed
but for those whose little faces were not present
for those who, most think, are blind
and yet, we are often the ones who cannot see.
oh wisdom, where art thou?
come to me, i beg.
169 days remain
in which i need your guidance.

my heart has increased tonight
in both capacity and in weight.

H

i [love] myself.

i don't know if i've ever hated my sin as much as i do tonight. i hate it. i can't stand it. i look at who i am and i see a girl who loves herself too much. someone who's prideful, selfish, controlling, and wicked. someone who cares about what other people think about her. someone who talks about change, and yet doesn't do it. someone who stands before the throne of GOD and tells him that her plans are better.

my broken heart just sobbed to the Lord tonight. how can he love me? look at all i do (or don't do that i should) against him. how can you take pleasure in my life when it's so full of deceit and selfishness? sometimes it's hard to see your sin (which is a scary thought), but tonight, he revealed it, and it was so blatantly obvious and disgusting. i am ashamed of that girl in the mirror. i wish i could hide it from him, and from others, but i can't. it pierces back, unrelenting as it digs deep into my soul for the world to watch.

oh God, forgive me! sometimes there are groanings too deep for words, and you hear those groanings tonight. Father, i want to please you so badly!! please change me, please make me like you! because i feel as though i look nothing like your holiness, your purity, your humility, your righteousness. please God, be faithful to me and forgive my sin, like you promise.

by your grace, precious Father, i will live for you.


H

true love.

the whole reason you have affections is to enjoy Christ. and everything recorded about Christ in scripture was specifically put there to draw out your affections, to discover His attractiveness, to make your love more deep and intimate. what does it look like when our love for Jesus controls our affections? he Himself will be the object and focus of our love; our hopes will long for Him; our desire will be for Him; our hate and anger will be directed at sin because it offends Him. all the powers and aspirations of the heart will look to Him. thoughts of Him will be our favorite thoughts. remembrances of Him will be our most precious memories. our consciences will be tuned to His heart...true love for Jesus will then control all our human affections.

-Rick Holland, Uneclipsing the Son

saved from victory.

one can argue that the bible could hinge on Isaiah 10.32.
true, it's not the biggest hinge, but it's a crucial verse.
i read that chapter this week and was struck by its importance--
one which, to be quite honest, most people gloss right over.
but i do in fact believe that it was put there for a reason,
and i am so very thankful for it.

"yet today he will halt at Nob; he shakes his fist at the mountain of the daughter of Zion, the hill of Jerusalem."

why, you might ask, is this so special? what's Nob, who's shaking his fist, and why does it matter? well i'll tell you why, so hold on and here we go:

Nob is a small city just north of Jerusalem--this "person" has been following the trail through the Central Benjamin Plateau, passing other cities, mentioned in geographical order north to south in verses 28-31. this is arguably one of the most prime spots in the land of Israel because of both its political location and economical resources, and therefore, it's always under attack. it also leads straight to the gates of the capital, Jerusalem. whoever controls the CBP (and Jerusalem) controls the country as a whole. the "person" to whom Isaiah is referring is actually a nation, but not Israel. no, it's Assyria, the powerful giant to the north of struggling little Israel, led by a terrible general named Sennacherib. he's on the loose, and is aimed at eating Israel alive without mercy. look back at verses 29-31: the people of these cities are terrified, they've fled, and they desperately cry aloud (notice they cry aloud with their voice, but it doesn't say they cry to God). you would be terrified too, if you were part of a small, weak nation, destined because of your disobedience and unfaithfulness to be swallowed by the most powerful country in the world. read the first part of the chapter--God chooses to teach Israel a lesson by allowing the Assyrians to conquer the land (not just the CBP, but practically every other square foot of dirt as well). they deserve this punishment, this judgment for their abandonment of God and His law.

"yet today he will halt at Nob; he shakes his fist at the mountain of the daughter of Zion, the hill of Jerusalem."

just before reaching the capital, Sennacherib stops.
just before he's about to tear apart the Temple Mount on that hill in Jerusalem, and claim "victory" over the hebrew God, the Lord intervenes.
because He promised He would.
and Sennacherib and his Assyrian army "shook their fists", but to no avail.

if they wouldn't have been stopped (for it was really God who stopped them, not their choice), the land would've been completely run over by this nation, and Israel may very well have ceased to exist. but God had promised to save a small remnant of people. and He continued that lineage of the remnant (at times quite slim in numbers), until it reached a King. a King that was born in the most humiliating circumstances and shunned and mocked by everyone around Him.

but that King changed history like no one had ever done before or would ever do again.

and so...one can argue that the bible could possibly hinge on Isaiah 10.32.

[a view of the northern walls of jerusalem.]

no words.

from Rick Holland's Uneclipsing the Son

Job wanted to meet God in a court where each party could be represented by a Mediator. This request was granted on behalf of all mankind just outside the northwest wall of Jerusalem, on a hill called the Skull, on a primitive execution device called a cross. But the strangest thing happened at this court proceeding at Calvary.

Instead of both parties meeting together to work things out through the Mediator, they both abandoned Him.

Judas betrayed Him. The disciples fled for their lives. Peter denied Him three times. Worse, the Father Himself abandoned Him to horrific crucifixion and sinful punishment...

He alone bore the rejection. He alone bore the wrath. As a result, He alone bears the reward for all who place faith in Him.

i can't even describe what my insides did when i read that, and then re-read it. some mixture of turning and groaning and sinking and crying. imagine to be left in the courtroom...alone...pronounced guilty...yet innocent....and silent.

Jesus--you know my heart, though i cannot express it in written words.
thank you.

w-i-s-d-o-m

there is something
that's better than the latest toy
there is something
that never can be destroyed
it's worth more than jewels or gold
or anything money can buy...

w-i-s-d-o-m spells wisdom, i need it
w-i-s-d-o-m in Your Word i find it
i need Your wisdom, Lord, each day.

left to my own self
i always tend to go astray
but in the bible
You declare Your perfect way
teach me to be like You
instead of being a fool...


thanks, SEEDS family worship music.

abandoning the chains.

fresh basil scents the kitchen sink
reflections of blue water dance across the stones outside
and i am here
alive
and breathing in a smile.

listened to dresdow's message from last week
and i'm going to change
not the hard-core, i'm-determined-to-succeed,
the i'll-pull-my-own-bootstraps-up change
that i often exude
even if only in my own thought life,
but the change that comes from
emptying
of all you pride yourself on
and realizing
yet again
you are nothing, and yet,
God loves me.
simple? yes. profound? definitely.
incredible? immeasurably.

i've said before i'm an extreme person.
and these dogs think i'm nuts
but who cares?
they can't stop me from bubbling off the walls
with God's love.
call me cheesy, call me strange.

but if the Son has set me free,
then i am free indeed.

and oh the joy with which that freedom rings...


H

save them, Lord.

it's 2.11am and i can't sleep tonight.
there's so much that's been racing through my brain the last half hour. at times i want to break down and cry in desperation to my Jesus, but i also want to get up and plan how to change the world and tell more people about God's salvation. [to avoid those extremes i will choose an alternate route of blogging for a few minutes]. :)

most of my thoughts have centered on kidsfest. and oh how i love the precious children who've been coming. it is truly a joy to pray for them and talk to them about Christ and his work throughout history. i've had the privilege of getting to know these 100 plus children (some more so than others, but all-in-all, the heart of "pbc kids"), and i guess the Lord has just put a deep love for them in my heart. call it what you will--motherly instinct, years of experience with children and teaching--i say it's a gift from the Lord. not-secretly, i'm proud to call them "my kids" because i do feel a certain amount of "ownership" of them, in a humbling way. and the way they give me hugs, high fives, and snippets of their lives just melts my heart away [it really does].

but to be fair and true, i've also seen the sinful nature of these little ones. disobedience, defiance, outbursts of anger, attitudes of jealousy or superiority, unkindness, unthankfulness, and the list could go on. now don't get me wrong--i wrote in the order i did for a purpose--i love these children so very very much. but they are still capable of wickedness against Creator God, and they show it in ways that are sometimes more evident.

oh how my heart breaks for them! i keep praying over and over that God would call them to true repentance of sin and acceptance of his grace! that he'd teach each little soul who comes on sunday nights the gravity of the gospel's message, and the right response we should have! and yet, even some of my babies who have decided to give their lives to Jesus and follow him still manifest sin in their lives, and that grieves me too. but oh how much more it grieves the heart of the Heavenly King, in whose presence they are sinning.

and they are no different than adult-christians who claim God's name but break his law. Lord, please forgive me for the innumerable ways i've chosen evil over righteousness! change my heart, O God, and cleanse it from sin and filth! i am so unworthy to be called your child, to be a director for this ministry, to be a teacher of your truths...but you know my weak frame and you extend perfect, unchanging, immeasurable, holy, patient, loving grace to me. and i thank you so much, Lord! i hope everyone who knows me can see that the only reason that my life is here is because of Christ, and in him i will boast. he is wise and good and kind and forgiving and teaching and patient and glorious and powerful and so much more.

i pray with all the strength God has given me that my pbc children will one day understand these things and grow to become even more than i will ever be for Christ. Lord, though i may never see the fruit of the work you've set out for me to do, you know all things. bring this group of children into your family one day, Father.

i praise you because you deserve all praise and because you alone are God.


H

surrendering shadows.

spent some time this evening with my dear bridgeport lake. we are quite good friends, you know, though i confess the trivialities and scenery always seem new and breathtakingly charming. i tend to carry a mental album of picturesque snapshots when i leave, much like a perpetual souvenir.

goosey goosey gander waddled away as we crossed paths (he muttering to his practical wife and i almost begging his pardon for upsetting an evening stroll). six seconds of barbecued burgers scented the northern pier, and were it not for my mother's politeness, i believe i would've joined the dinner party. but around the next bend, the yellow roses--oh those handsome yellow roses--were enough of a sightly delight to satisfy even my appetite for dinner.

anyway, i watched--from my most favored plank on the bridge beside the regal lighthouse--as the pink sun wished its goodbyes, and blushing sky turned to lavender, which melted quickly into a heather blue.

there are many ways through which we learn. and for me, sometimes that takes place at this serene lake, my escape. i realized, after a time, that a creme-colored crescent was following me in my attempt to leave, and i found my eyes searching for the watery shadow of the great moon, rather than he himself. too often, this is how i live--peeling my eyes for a reflection, rather than the original. and oh how i need forgiveness for this! i dared not turn to the other side of the bridge, for fear that the water would show my failures and pull me down into its depressions.

i've never really been enamored, as have others, by the weeping willow, but tonight as i passed by, her long arms drooped over...and gazing up through the leaves, i felt very small. and that thought continued with the rest of the walk home. a lamppost, guiding the way for passersby in the night, seemed awfully tall, and i almost forgot that i was not in a dream. how do i accomplish those things which i seek to do, when i'm so small? and yet, i already think of myself as more grand than i really am. things must change, but they will take forceful engagement against the traitor, the spreader of lies.

upon reaching the door, i couldn't bring my hand to unlock and enter, so i contented myself with sitting on the porch, staring at the moon, mostly hidden by now. [i would've stayed out there all night if i could, but reason reminded me otherwise]. as much as i squinted or opened wide, i could not see him clearly. perhaps it was due to the tears that had welled up, but even after forcefully trying to rid them away, that moon just wouldn't stand still.

sometimes you have to make a choice, and though the right path may not be decidedly lined, it is still the right path. and each day, you have to make the choice again, tiring as it is.

so i choose, even tonight, to say no, to walk away, and instead take the dirt road with thistles and thorns, that points forward and straight. the road that will lead to dreams even greater than my imagination can fathom. the road that has as its guide, the real moon, not a mere shadow.

H

glow

it all begins
here
now
the door unlocked
creaking as it opened
nineteen desks
stacked
waiting
shades pulled up
breath held
and the sun burst inside
emotion breaking through
but it's real
a dream finally arrived
so much
reeling like a spinning globe
49 days
and here
we
go.


H