i love cooking.

blue cheese/garlic stuffed chicken with white bean-olive salad

chocolate-caramel thumbprint pecan cookies....heavenly!

ireland

today
of all days
it would be lovely
to gallivant around the raw emerald hills of Ireland,
and dance freely
in a pair of red heels.


H

not much longer

today, for the first time since it all started, i watched some video footage of the tsunami hitting japan.

to see aerial filming of enormous waves sweeping toward the country, and houses and buildings being swallowed, and cars trying to out-drive their death....it makes your stomach sick. and those new before-after pictures that you toggle over....i had to stop looking at them because i felt nauseous.

i couldn't help but think that although God does not delight in "making" natural disasters occur, he allows them to happen. and since he is God, he has the right to pour out his judgment on the world when it's time. i'm not the one to say if this is part of his judgment or not, and i have no reason to say japan deserves it more than my own country (in fact, i have a very dear friend who lives in japan, and i was worried for her family when all this started happening), but all that to say, this fallen world will be ending soon. don't know how much longer we have, but i wouldn't say a whole lot of time.

and that thought immediately brought shame to my heart.

what do i spend my days doing? where do i spend the time, money, words, and thoughts i've been allowed? in all honesty, a lot of it ends up being used on myself. but you know....God's grace is the only thing that separates me and those people in japan. that could've been me, included in the thousands found dead among the debris, but God decided to place me elsewhere...in california. comfortable little santa clarita. at least for the time being.

oh God, forgive my selfish attitude. forgive me for becoming so wrapped up in my own little world, my own plans and routines. Lord, i give them up again to you. it doesn't matter if i get married, or if i get a teaching job, or if i travel the world, or if i get to sleep in on saturday mornings. none of that matters (or at least it shouldn't). too often i let it. especially the first and second ones.

but Creator God, help me not to care about those things. let me leave my wildest dreams and deepest desires at the door, as i walk forward towards the altar of surrender. it matters more that your name is proclaimed than for the hidden wishes of my heart to be granted. and if i'm not living out your truth each day, my life is worth nothing. give me deep-water faith as i swim upstream through the pressures and temptations of life...temptations to abandon you for temporary pleasures, forgetting the infinite worth of the glory to come. i'm not saying those things are sinful in themselves...but too often i become too focused on them, instead of the call of my King to tell others about him before it's too late, before another tsunami hits.

with your help, oh Father, i will die--as your Son died--to the attractions of this world--and live again, for however few years you have left for me....with eternal eyes. let me look beyond my earthly, fleshly sinful self and instead see your heavenly, lasting glory. and live for you alone.


H

the forest.

one foot timidly ventures forward
and it seems ages before the other catches up
heavy are her steps
though she knows not the reason why...

all around, large, overgrown trees stand firm and unforgiving
weeds and thorns hide the path ahead
and she does all she can to keep from stumbling,
though it happens again and again.

wet and sharp are the tears that spill from blue eyes-
persevering through the fight to stay focused on the glimmer of light-
of hope and of peace--
at the edge of this darkened forest.

despite her invitation from Him,
safely tucked away,
a measure of guilt presses down on her shoulders.
can you hear me in this place, my Lord? she cries out,
for i fear i may never find the way out,
or worse yet
that the weight of iniquity will increase beyond what i can bear...

i am not worthy to even be invited to your kindgom
so forgive me, my Lord, for my doubt
my lack of trust in you
for the confidence i place in myself and my own doings
for my worry and anxiety.

i lack knowledge of why you are leading me through this place,
but i will trust You--
help me to trust You,
even when i don't know how.


H

take & keep

Lord, i gave my heart to you long ago
but sometimes....many times...i try to reach for it back.
please God, take it--
completely, wholly, firmly, lovingly
and keep it under Your hand,
which breaks, molds, shapes, and renews.
and then, Lord,
help me to rejoice in the works of Your
strong
knowing
hands.


H

earth science

okay so i'll admit it--
i was a little nervous to start teaching science class today.

first graders won't stop giving you hugs and saying "i love you," and i even get away with calling my fourth graders "hunny bun," "sweetheart," and "sweet pea," but as the grade levels increase, so also does my intimidation. my fear of man. hah! imagine that--i'm sometimes influenced by what ten year olds think of me! :)

well, i decided i didn't have time to be nervous, and finished up everything that needed to be prepped before class.
they entered the room--a little confident in themselves, a little curious about "the new teacher"--and after a pep talk about rules/expectations/goals, we jumped right in. and i'll admit it again....it was kind-of fun. okay, actually, i loved it! i have a great group, and although i'm (definitely) not the perfect teacher and there are tendencies i'm already noticing about them, overall i'm super excited to teach (and learn with) my kids. :)

i had begun our forty-five-minute class by pointing out that they are the leaders of the school, and one day they will be leaders of the community and country. [you should've seen how some of them sat straight up in their chairs..i had to stifle a laugh]. the rest of the class period, i kept them engaged in various ways, and i just hope and pray that science will be a time they look forward to, rather than dread or drag their feet.

God has a funny sense of humor...in my own elementary school, growing up, i struggled the most with math and science, and yet those are now two of the three core subjects i teach during the day (and upper grade level at that). but what i do, i can only do by God's strength. and there will be struggle-days ahead (myself versus the material, myself versus the class, and my head versus my heart), but the Lord knows when those will be, and He's with me each step of the way.

i pray that i will somehow reflect Christ to this new group of students. 'cause it's not really about teaching them science, though that's the part i'm paid for...
it's about being Jesus to them.


H

"decorus natura"

the mountains glistened this morning like sugar-covered cookies,
and minty were the hills below
having been refreshed by the week's wet rain-showers.
i love those mountains
and hills
and each early morning they're there to greet me
(though sometimes hidden by a dusty grey envelope).
it would be effortless to stare at them
for hours on end
and imagine the adventures of which they boast silently.
even the daring cliff pictured behind these words tempts me
and someday,
i'm going to seek her out.
with a white dress, i'll spin in circles til i can balance no longer
and fall laughing on the soft, green blanket of grass..
then i'll run with the wind,
stand close to the edge
and smile freely at the majestic waters on the horizon.


H

2 pieces of humble pie

today i felt humiliated...in a good way.

a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.

[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.

[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.

a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him

...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.


H

no excuses.

i'm tired of the games i play with myself.
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."

we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...

1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.

2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.

3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.


well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)

my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.



H

crying to my Jesus

Thou art the blessed God, happy in Thyself, source of happiness in Thy creatures, my maker, benefactor, proprietor, upholder. Thou hast produced and sustained me, supported and indulged me, saved and kept me; Thou art in every situation able to meet my needs and miseries.

May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to His principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, may I rejoice to suffer for Thy name.

Keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that will disappear into nothing. As I pursue my heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a man with no aim but that of a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow men.


Valley of Vision