okay so i'll admit it--
i was a little nervous to start teaching science class today.
first graders won't stop giving you hugs and saying "i love you," and i even get away with calling my fourth graders "hunny bun," "sweetheart," and "sweet pea," but as the grade levels increase, so also does my intimidation. my fear of man. hah! imagine that--i'm sometimes influenced by what ten year olds think of me! :)
well, i decided i didn't have time to be nervous, and finished up everything that needed to be prepped before class.
they entered the room--a little confident in themselves, a little curious about "the new teacher"--and after a pep talk about rules/expectations/goals, we jumped right in. and i'll admit it again....it was kind-of fun. okay, actually, i loved it! i have a great group, and although i'm (definitely) not the perfect teacher and there are tendencies i'm already noticing about them, overall i'm super excited to teach (and learn with) my kids. :)
i had begun our forty-five-minute class by pointing out that they are the leaders of the school, and one day they will be leaders of the community and country. [you should've seen how some of them sat straight up in their chairs..i had to stifle a laugh]. the rest of the class period, i kept them engaged in various ways, and i just hope and pray that science will be a time they look forward to, rather than dread or drag their feet.
God has a funny sense of humor...in my own elementary school, growing up, i struggled the most with math and science, and yet those are now two of the three core subjects i teach during the day (and upper grade level at that). but what i do, i can only do by God's strength. and there will be struggle-days ahead (myself versus the material, myself versus the class, and my head versus my heart), but the Lord knows when those will be, and He's with me each step of the way.
i pray that i will somehow reflect Christ to this new group of students. 'cause it's not really about teaching them science, though that's the part i'm paid for...
it's about being Jesus to them.
H
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
"decorus natura"
the mountains glistened this morning like sugar-covered cookies,
and minty were the hills below
having been refreshed by the week's wet rain-showers.
i love those mountains
and hills
and each early morning they're there to greet me
(though sometimes hidden by a dusty grey envelope).
it would be effortless to stare at them
for hours on end
and imagine the adventures of which they boast silently.
even the daring cliff pictured behind these words tempts me
and someday,
i'm going to seek her out.
with a white dress, i'll spin in circles til i can balance no longer
and fall laughing on the soft, green blanket of grass..
then i'll run with the wind,
stand close to the edge
and smile freely at the majestic waters on the horizon.
H
and minty were the hills below
having been refreshed by the week's wet rain-showers.
i love those mountains
and hills
and each early morning they're there to greet me
(though sometimes hidden by a dusty grey envelope).
it would be effortless to stare at them
for hours on end
and imagine the adventures of which they boast silently.
even the daring cliff pictured behind these words tempts me
and someday,
i'm going to seek her out.
with a white dress, i'll spin in circles til i can balance no longer
and fall laughing on the soft, green blanket of grass..
then i'll run with the wind,
stand close to the edge
and smile freely at the majestic waters on the horizon.
H
Friday, February 25, 2011
2 pieces of humble pie
today i felt humiliated...in a good way.
a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.
[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.
[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.
a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him
...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.
H
a dear red-and-white mug of strong coffee accompanied me to school this morning, and the hours passed with ease as i taught each class that walked in and out of the doors of room 12. fourth grade had their math test, the first graders did individual fluency reading, second grade had a guest speaker (allowing unexpected time to catch up on grading), upper-level third graders edited slides for a powerpoint, and lower-level third grade enjoyed reading & discussing various literature pieces. but what seemed like a relatively simple morning and/or day turned out a little different than i had imagined. because God is in the business of humbling his children.
[one]. grading those math tests was emotionally comparable to a dentist visit where you think you're fine, but are told--only upon sitting in the chair--that you will need several teeth pulled. i cringed as i wrote the totals at the top, wishing there was some way to skirt around it, but no. the truth stared back at me. most students didn't improve more than 2-3 points from the pretest to the post-test, and some even missed more the second time around. a terrible knot began to swell in my stomach, and were it not for my deeper foundation, i would've wallowed in feelings of failure the rest of the day (and perhaps this weekend as well). but i did take comfort in the fact that i had done my best with what i had taught them, albeit not the exact skills the test had called for. well i couldn't change it now. i hate trying to "teach-to-the-test," but my job has to be done strategically in a way that does focus on the skills that will be practical in life (my favorite...making real-life connections), yet also fit requirements and results that the other teachers want to see. "your confidence in teaching needs to be rooted in Me," i could hear Him say softly and lovingly, though my pride didn't want to listen. thankfully, He is stronger than my pride, though, and i'm determined that with His guidance, next week will be better.
[two]. the rain had been pouring steadily all day long, barely taking a breath as i arrived at her house. i had invited her to spend time together, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that a fifteen year-old wouldn't think it's awkward to hang out with her mom's teaching friend (it helps that i'm still "young" in the teaching world). over the past year, i'd been showing her through actions that i cared and wanted to be her friend, but now it was time to turn actions into words. laughing through the wet street lights, we walked into bj's and i treated her to pizookie and hot chocolate...and then just let her speak. my heart was torn for her, but the time wasn't right for me to jump in too much. for the time being, i wanted to find out as much as i could through questions and listening, and it was evident there were particular themes that recurred from her lips, though i doubt she herself has realized them. two and half hours later, i dropped her off at home, and after turning back down a few streets, my phone buzzed. her mom's text message brought sweet tears to my eyes, and i realized the Lord has given me a great responsibility in this new friendship. but where do i start? "your confidence in speaking love and truth to a young girl's heart needs to be grounded in Me," he whispered again. how i wish i had the wisdom of Solomon, even if only a taste! Father, you know how lacking i am in knowledge and discerning counsel, and i long to be used by you. somehow speak your words through me, for i dare not speak on my own, fearing what i say might not be your truth.
a small calendar sitting on the desk across the room boasts of many events coming soon, all relationships with some person(s) or another. but what i am looking forward to tonight is the unfilled space under tomorrow's date, allowing me to spend the day with Jesus--talking, questioning, and listening to him
...and hopefully being a little more prepared for my next lesson in humility.
H
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
no excuses.
i'm tired of the games i play with myself.
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."
we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...
1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.
2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.
3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.
well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)
my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.
H
"if i do x, then maybe y will happen."
"if i don't do x, then maybe y won't happen."
we're two months into a new year, and i'm going to make this one different, with God's help. how is it that a person can long to grow and change and be more mature about life, and yet when it comes down to actually doing something about it, we get lazy and put it off until later? i say i want to know Jesus more, but how am i disciplining myself to make those goals a reality? and what exactly are my goals in the first place? sure, i want to "grow closer to Jesus," but on february 23, 2011 (which begins in a few short hours), what does that mean? i need to be honest and real with my heart. i need to write it out on paper, not just think that i have it formulated in my head somewhere. so here we go...
1. (probably the biggest one of all) i want to learn how to direct my thoughts towards things of Christ in those moments when i'm not really thinking about anything...the times when my thoughts naturally turn to myself, my agenda, my strengths, my pride...yeah, those times....i want to channel them to dwell on Christ, not me. in december when i evaluate what the things are that my thoughts are saturated in, i want them to be things of Jesus.
2. i want to grow closer to Jesus by reading, studying, and loving His word. on sunday night, the pastors and elders of the church had a Q&A session, and at the end, they had their wives come up to the stage; then they each introduced their wife and briefly talked about their relationship with her. holy cow. i want to be even just half of what these women are! i admire each one of them, and although i look at them and think how godly and mature they are, i also realize that they have spent their life growing their habits of depending on Christ and studying His word. and that's an encouragement, honestly, because it wasn't something that happened overnight for them. i don't have to think that i need to be radically disciplined and changed tomorrow (though i strive for that), because God works over time...especially long lengths of time when you question what the heck He's doing and you just have to be patient. so all that to say, how do you measure how much you love Christ? how will i know in december if i love Him more than i do now? i'm still trying to figure that out, but i want the pages of my journal to be filled with sweet conversations with Him and asking about/talking of/understanding His word.
3. i want to be different by dying to myself and pouring out into others. and here's what this one's gonna look like:
(a) being faithful, teachable, and available in both being discipled and in discipling others. i'm not going to settle for trivial, superficial, surface-level discipleship relationships. i'm going to be even more vulnerable to the women who are mentoring me, so that God can use them to speak truth into my life. on the flip-side, i'm going to train myself (using multiple resources) to ask tough/real/deeper-level questions to the girls who i'm mentoring. i don't know how much time God has set aside for me to be in this position in their lives--it could be only a few weeks or a few years. but we're going to jump in deep and learn together. we're going to use every minute we have. i want to look back in december and be humbly proud (in a God-centered way) of how He's used these relationships to encourage and grow His children (whether that's myself or someone else).
(b) Jesus tells his disciples that the first commandment is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second commandment is similar--to love their neighbor as themselves. for so long, i've had the wrong interpretation of this verse. i'm not sure exactly what i thought about it, but i definitely haven't thought of it in the way it was supposed to be interpreted--and that's this: heather, with all the time, energy, and focus you look for ways to please your fleshly self....you need to put all that time, energy, and focus into loving other people. holy cow! i was majorly convicted when that clicked. every part of me naturally turns back to myself and looking for ways to boost my self-comfort, my reputation, my control over situations....it's hard to take that and turn it around and choose to exert that energy towards someone else! but it's worth it. God promises that. so in my interactions with other people--both those who follow and love Jesus and those who don't--i want to give up myself and love them as i (already, selfishly) love myself.
well, those are the main ways that come to mind....i could spend pages expanding this, but i won't tonight. :) i have a date to read through leviticus, and i'm not going to sleep until i finish the book. :)
my sweet, precious Jesus....You are the reason for the joy in my heart. You are the reason i smile during the day, the reason i go crazy at purple/orange sunsets, coffee dates with a friend, and the anticipation of growing and changing. Father, be my Counselor and Guide this year...i want my heart to be nearer to the things you love, and to hate the things you hate. i crave your wisdom, God! i lack so much, but you promised you'd work through me, even if i'm a broken, cracked, weak and foolish vessel. turn me into a "Mary" who loves to sit at your feet and marvel at You. make me a Peter, who stood up to the city police saying he would never stop talking about Jesus, even if that meant prison or death. let each event or situation on my "to do" list be checked only when i've done it for you and with your glory in mind. i want to esteem you above anything else, Jesus. and yes, i will fail, but even in failing, remind me to thank you for the opportunity to praise your strength and knowledge and forgiveness. i love you, Jesus--help my unbelief and the areas that i lack love for (and trust in) you.
H
Monday, February 7, 2011
crying to my Jesus
Thou art the blessed God, happy in Thyself, source of happiness in Thy creatures, my maker, benefactor, proprietor, upholder. Thou hast produced and sustained me, supported and indulged me, saved and kept me; Thou art in every situation able to meet my needs and miseries.
May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to His principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, may I rejoice to suffer for Thy name.
Keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that will disappear into nothing. As I pursue my heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a man with no aim but that of a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow men.
Valley of Vision
May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to His principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, may I rejoice to suffer for Thy name.
Keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that will disappear into nothing. As I pursue my heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a man with no aim but that of a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow men.
Valley of Vision
Monday, January 31, 2011
war within
as pirates-of-the-caribbean music plays from pandora,
it mirrors the tumultuous battle inside my heart
for i desire with everything inside me to stand--
though the enemy's flaming arrows shoot repeatedly,
yet i will not fall
and if i do
He will pick me up again
the world and all it's lies will never sway
His strong, loving,
protective arms
that wrap this trembling girl tightly
and though i fear and doubt and question
[why does it have to be this way?]
His shield of faith i hold in one hand
and the Spirit's sword in the other.
with these, i cannot lose.
H
it mirrors the tumultuous battle inside my heart
for i desire with everything inside me to stand--
though the enemy's flaming arrows shoot repeatedly,
yet i will not fall
and if i do
He will pick me up again
the world and all it's lies will never sway
His strong, loving,
protective arms
that wrap this trembling girl tightly
and though i fear and doubt and question
[why does it have to be this way?]
His shield of faith i hold in one hand
and the Spirit's sword in the other.
with these, i cannot lose.
H
Sunday, January 30, 2011
my new addiction.
you know you're becoming addicted to coffee when "medium roast" is too mild.
it all started with that espresso in portugal....
but man i love it. ;)
it all started with that espresso in portugal....
but man i love it. ;)
Friday, January 28, 2011
don't.
i don't understand what's happening lately
at times it thrills me, yet other times it kills me
and again and again i have to walk by faith.
weak eyes i have,
and squinting off into the distance
down the long road ahead, i see only blurred images,
if even those.
the more you decide to trust, the easier it becomes,
because you train yourself into the habit,
but it also gets harder with each step
[does no one else live paradoxically?]
i tell my kids it is their choice of what their attitude will be,
but do i myself live my own advice?
were it not for God's abundant mercy and grace
i would have fallen into doubt and anxiety,
never knowing if my questions would ever truly be answered,
but i
have
hope
and that hope too, which will never disappoint.
don't leave me, my Lord, i pray
cut out of my heart anything that comes between us,
and let me lose my attraction to anything but You.
H
at times it thrills me, yet other times it kills me
and again and again i have to walk by faith.
weak eyes i have,
and squinting off into the distance
down the long road ahead, i see only blurred images,
if even those.
the more you decide to trust, the easier it becomes,
because you train yourself into the habit,
but it also gets harder with each step
[does no one else live paradoxically?]
i tell my kids it is their choice of what their attitude will be,
but do i myself live my own advice?
were it not for God's abundant mercy and grace
i would have fallen into doubt and anxiety,
never knowing if my questions would ever truly be answered,
but i
have
hope
and that hope too, which will never disappoint.
don't leave me, my Lord, i pray
cut out of my heart anything that comes between us,
and let me lose my attraction to anything but You.
H
Monday, January 17, 2011
my greatest fear
"i cared for you in the wilderness, in the land of drought. as they had their pasture, they became satisfied. and being satisfied, their heart became proud;
therefore they forgot Me."
[hosea 13.5-6]
for most christians, "trusting the Lord" is one of the biggest struggles when life isn't going so great. it seems to be the common theme that christians thank God in the good times but forget to ask him their requests, and yet in the hard times they ask God their requests but forget to thank him. and yet, there are also many times in which God brings us out of the testing ground of a wilderness--out of a trial or from the Doubting Castle of Giant Despair, to borrow from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress--and we become confident again in ourselves. soon we have life "under control," and things might still be busy, but at least we know what's going on. slowly (but assuredly), we try to stand taller in our knowledge and abilities, or even in our "humility," and we let our precious times with the Lord be pushed aside. some of us even get so caught up in serving God that we lose our friendship with him, and the pride of doing the right things blinds us to our deceitful, wicked hearts that try to claim authority over him.
and this, my friend, is one of my greatest fears.
it scares me to think that my own heart and soul are capable of such hatred towards God. i have been on both the mountaintops of joy and exuberation at what Christ is doing in the world and in the deep valleys of confusion, anguish, and despair. and like Hosea reminds us, God is incredibly full of mercy (not giving me what i deserve) and grace (giving me what i don't deserve), and he brings us out from the wilderness into green pastures. oh Lord--i would rather you keep me in the desert, where my soul clings to you alone, than to be so comfortable in life that i forget you and your acts of inexplainable power. let me never think i've run out of things to thank you for, and teach me to look for them during the times when it's the most difficult. remind me, oh Father, when life is "smooth," that my heart is still full of wretched sin which only you can cleanse. and remind me, when life is rough and uncomfortable and i feel knocked down over and over, that you are not finished your work, and my job is not to question you and demand answers; only to follow in steady submission and cheerful obedience.
let me not lose this fear, my Lord. for the day i do, i will fall down the slippery slope of indifference and apathy towards you. let my life serve as a truly humble and fragrant offering in your sight, sweet Jesus.
H
therefore they forgot Me."
[hosea 13.5-6]
for most christians, "trusting the Lord" is one of the biggest struggles when life isn't going so great. it seems to be the common theme that christians thank God in the good times but forget to ask him their requests, and yet in the hard times they ask God their requests but forget to thank him. and yet, there are also many times in which God brings us out of the testing ground of a wilderness--out of a trial or from the Doubting Castle of Giant Despair, to borrow from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress--and we become confident again in ourselves. soon we have life "under control," and things might still be busy, but at least we know what's going on. slowly (but assuredly), we try to stand taller in our knowledge and abilities, or even in our "humility," and we let our precious times with the Lord be pushed aside. some of us even get so caught up in serving God that we lose our friendship with him, and the pride of doing the right things blinds us to our deceitful, wicked hearts that try to claim authority over him.
and this, my friend, is one of my greatest fears.
it scares me to think that my own heart and soul are capable of such hatred towards God. i have been on both the mountaintops of joy and exuberation at what Christ is doing in the world and in the deep valleys of confusion, anguish, and despair. and like Hosea reminds us, God is incredibly full of mercy (not giving me what i deserve) and grace (giving me what i don't deserve), and he brings us out from the wilderness into green pastures. oh Lord--i would rather you keep me in the desert, where my soul clings to you alone, than to be so comfortable in life that i forget you and your acts of inexplainable power. let me never think i've run out of things to thank you for, and teach me to look for them during the times when it's the most difficult. remind me, oh Father, when life is "smooth," that my heart is still full of wretched sin which only you can cleanse. and remind me, when life is rough and uncomfortable and i feel knocked down over and over, that you are not finished your work, and my job is not to question you and demand answers; only to follow in steady submission and cheerful obedience.
let me not lose this fear, my Lord. for the day i do, i will fall down the slippery slope of indifference and apathy towards you. let my life serve as a truly humble and fragrant offering in your sight, sweet Jesus.
H
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
build me, then break me
2011 has come. and with or without diligent investment and action in the ensuing twelve months, we will look behind us and question what has happened and what we have accomplished. for the masses, it will be utterly wasted. maybe these are not the thoughts running through their minds as they live day to day, but in retrospect, how valuable are the accomplishments of life that they will boast of by december? [here's another question--how different will our character look?] i've used this analogy before (and to be fair, i didn't originate it), but as fish in a stream, we have 2 choices. we can swim [or float] downstream, riding the current with the majority of those around us. we can voluntarily or involuntarily pursue the things of pleasure, of fun or excitement...the things that will quietly tear us away from God. or we can choose to battle the current and go upstream, where we will undoubtedly get water up our nose, face a colder temperature, and at times swim solo.
my life right now is so full of unknowns. i'm sure the Lord has many surprises planned, and as i head into the new year, i can't help but wonder what He will teach me, what new lessons i will learn, and what steps He will clarify for my faith-lacking feet. one thing i desire in these months, however--that He will build my understanding of Himself, my faith, and my obedience to His words...and then knock me down again to my knees. too many times i become prideful, self-absorbed, and one not characterized by holiness. oh how i long for this to change! though i know not what plans God has made for 2011, i can walk each day by faith and not by sight. and He knows my heart--he knows that i so desperately long to grow in righteousness!
a wise man once said, "anyone who God uses greatly, He will break significantly." oh loving Lord, increase my grasp of the process of sanctification. deepen my yearning to spend time with You. strengthen my mind with truth, and teach me how to apply Your treasures in the every-day realm of life.
and after you have built me up in You, break my dreams and my shallow understanding, sweet Jesus. let my desires for life be crushed so that Yours will prevail. use me only to show the world that i refuse to live for myself, for the pleasures of life, but instead that i will fight--yes, fight--for Your name to be higher than my own. i don't want even one day to pass this year in which i lazily choose to gratify my fleshly, selfish comfort.
yes...2011 has come indeed. and by God's grace, i'm ready for it.
H
my life right now is so full of unknowns. i'm sure the Lord has many surprises planned, and as i head into the new year, i can't help but wonder what He will teach me, what new lessons i will learn, and what steps He will clarify for my faith-lacking feet. one thing i desire in these months, however--that He will build my understanding of Himself, my faith, and my obedience to His words...and then knock me down again to my knees. too many times i become prideful, self-absorbed, and one not characterized by holiness. oh how i long for this to change! though i know not what plans God has made for 2011, i can walk each day by faith and not by sight. and He knows my heart--he knows that i so desperately long to grow in righteousness!
a wise man once said, "anyone who God uses greatly, He will break significantly." oh loving Lord, increase my grasp of the process of sanctification. deepen my yearning to spend time with You. strengthen my mind with truth, and teach me how to apply Your treasures in the every-day realm of life.
and after you have built me up in You, break my dreams and my shallow understanding, sweet Jesus. let my desires for life be crushed so that Yours will prevail. use me only to show the world that i refuse to live for myself, for the pleasures of life, but instead that i will fight--yes, fight--for Your name to be higher than my own. i don't want even one day to pass this year in which i lazily choose to gratify my fleshly, selfish comfort.
yes...2011 has come indeed. and by God's grace, i'm ready for it.
H
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