thank you

Jesus--for waking me up this morning and for the gorgeous sunrise
T.B.--for your humble attitude to my email & always being there
J.S.--for always being willing to chat
R.W.--for your kind way of teaching me
A.W.--for your sweet texts
C.O.--for always supporting and loving me
L.T.--for reminding me to laugh & letting me cry
G.H.--for walking me through biblical processes of change
T.M.--for your young wisdom and genuine prayers
D.O.--for your patience and encouragement
N.W.--for your example of simple faith in the Lord
G.O.--for your godly example of leadership
M.E.--for having coffee and chatting today
J.A.--for connecting with me on your level
A.M.--for letting me play and be silly with you
A.M.--for your infectious little smile
Jesus--for your tender lovingkindness and faithfulness, and for just being you.

teaching, working, trusting

so yesterday i had a meltdown. i didnt know what in the world i was doing trying to become a teacher, i was sick of job possibilities falling through, and i wanted to quit eveything. i bawled to my best friend, and again today to my sister-in-law about how i'm a failure and dont wanna try anymore and how this is just isnt my thing.

[leanne gave me a hug and somehow managed to turn it into a funny laughing situation--she has such a talent for that! amy suggested hiding in a closet with a paper bag over my head and even offered to provide the bag...how thoughtful!] ;)

the point is, i've been a self-pitying scaredy-cat and letting the sin of anxiety and worry rule me. i havent been grateful for the many blessings i have, such as the opportunity to get a solid education and even the chance to learn how to become a teacher. i've been looking at things from the wrong angle. i've unknowingly let myself be driven by the extrinsic goals of getting a teaching credential, finding a job, and making money. true, these are good things to strive towards, but they should not be my life goals (even if they're only short-term). no, instead i should be motivated intrisincally, wanting to use the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and use them to increase His reputation. God was the one who gave me a love for children and for working with them. God was the one who blessed me with an ability to communicate with kids and be energetic and creative with them. God was the one who helped me write those lesson plans and who helped me improve what needed fixing. and he is the one i should be thinking about in all of this. not myself. who am i to decide whether i will use his gift or not? somehow i mix up our roles far too often and far too easily.

instead of complaining about how i dont want to teach, or how i am nervous and scared of what will happen (which, anyone feels when they're taking risks), i should be confident that the Lord will teach me something. it will probably be something completely different from what i'm expecting--as he is prone to doing--but it is always something i need to learn, and which he deems best for me. and anything worth doing has risks involved. consider teaching--does the benefit of knowing i did my best before Christ to train these little ones outweigh the fear i may have inside me..(the fear that every good teacher faces as they start out)? heck yes it does. no, it doesnt take away that fear, but it puts it into perspective a little more. and what is fear really? it is doubting that what God has is good. it's doubting that his plans are perfect and blameless and that he is in control. it's trying to take charge of the situation.

that leads to my next area of struggle--a job. for those of you who read this, some of you know i've been looking [again] for work, as both my part-time jobs ended in december. it's really discouraging being led to believe a company will hire, only to be let down again and again. or to just be told "no, sorry we're not hiring right now....but you can put in an application anyways...." oh great thanks, well that's really helpful now isnt it. but you know, i've been negative and selfish about that as well. i've been looking for what i want out of this, not trying to find the Lord's will or even just trying to discover what he wants me to learn through this tedious process. i've been trying to take over and tell God what's good for me, when he keeps saying, "no heather--what i have is even better."

gosh i just love him so much! even through my feeble attempts to take control and turn away from him or the times when i allow pride and selfishness and pity to characterize how i go about the day and interact with people....even through all that, he is so full of forgiveness and patience and love. and he reminds me faithfully every day that he is there, waiting for me to surrender to him. waiting for me to realize that it doesnt matter if a find a job or not--he will provide. somehow, someday, in some way, he will provide for my needs [not wants]. and what a comforting thought that is, because he knows them better than i do.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 says,
"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, through the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,

yet i will exult in the LORD, i will rejoice in the God of my salvation. the Lord GOD is my strength, and he has made my feet like hind's feet, and makes me walk on high places."


H

hello 2010

so i made a few goals for the next year. i dont think i've ever actually written down my "new year's resolutions" before; they're usually more of a mental thing...which could be why they aren't usually accomplished. that and they weren't really that practical.

so from now til december, i've got some goals for my life. and by the Lord's grace i'll accomplish them unless he takes me home sooner (which i wouldn't mind, in a good way). :)

to begin with--my theme verse for the year:

2 Timothy 2:22
"Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."

1. Spend honest time with the Lord each day, either in prayer or studying the Bible
2. Read through the entire Bible at least once
3. Memorize 4 books of the Bible (1 every 3 months)
4. Make a prayer chart each month and pray for different people each day
5. Each week (perhaps on Sundays), spend 1 hour in prayer for others, missions, my church family, the future, etc
6. By the end of each month, share the gospel story with at least 1 new person
7. Every month (at least), review current events and news
8. Start learning Hindi and researching more about India
9. Start each day acknowledging my need for the Lord
10. End each day by thanking God for something/someone in my life


-H

my india

dear india,

i miss you today...a lot. in fact, i'm dying to come see you and if i could, i'd catch the next plane that left LAX for you. reading a friend's blog made me crack up all over again at some of the funny things that happened when i saw you last. it also made me ache, not knowing you as deep as i wish i could, and knowing there is so much more to you than i know. so much beauty, so much pain, so much need for Someone to save you. and yet, there are those among you who know and love Him, despite the difficult costs. do we belong together? will i ever see you again? why did i have a recent chat with an old friend we both know? why did i stumble across pictures of you today? why can't i get you off my mind these days? i miss you, but sometimes i'm not even sure what it is that i miss. do you miss me back? i think i'm going to start praying more for you and also whether i should come and see you soon.

and i think i'm also going to start learning hindi.

love, heather

the drive

silence......


the only sounds to be heard were the revving of the engine and the harsh wind as she sped through it, up the inclines, down the dips, and into the cold, black night. above her head and out in the looming distance were streaks of navy and ash, with less than a handful of sparkled glitters, giving a faint glow to the sky. in the air was the bone-chilling smell of december, which would soon fade away quietly into january.

and she drove on.

at first, there were no thoughts. there were no deep revelations, no wonderments to turn the head of another. only silence. and it continued for a good long while. until a rather small gleam opened up those unpretentious clouds, and as the gap grew wider, the thoughts began pouring through.

one of them, which was admittedly large--called prayer, occupied her, and caused an array of emotions. initially, it tried to push her into a pond of guilt, but stepping back, she became more curious than apologetic. what was this so-desired essence that they all routinely listed as wanting, yet which was more often treated as a mediocre advantage?

for many, it seemed suitable, almost sensible, but clearly was not coveted in a manner which would guarantee its obtaining. and yet for others, so select-few it seemed, it was quite simple, and yet treasured so deeply and used so often, that one could only guess what would happen if it were not there.

what a thing to consider, she wondered, steering slightly to the right. how many people in the world prayed for such selfish purposes...how many of her own conversations with God had been centered on her materialistic desires and vain hopes. what image do i portray of Him? what does He think when i speak? the questions drew her out of a reverie as she simultaneously pressed the brake to keep from colliding into a speeding shadow.

and who was she, to think she could hide from Him? yes, those deep, hidden indulgences and guilts were indeed paraded before His eyes, with no veil to cover them. mercy, she cried, oh God show me mercy in my innermost being! for what i have done--and what i have not done, for my apathy and my pride, for the days when i loved you not and the days i lived for myself. four hot tears slid down her cheek, and she wished with all her might she could see Him and let Him hold her tenderly in His strong arms.

teach her, dearest Father, what it means to pray. break her clenched fists with Your gentle touch. for she longs for You, o holy one--You who even as a nursing babe would have more wisdom than she.


and coming round the last bend, she saw the city lights aglow. they were breath-taking. common-sense prevented her from pulling to the side and breathing in those lights, but oh how desperately she wanted to stop the journey of life and soak them in--those pictures of her soul, little flames in the distance, with so much beneath them.

but i promise, she said aloud...you shall look at this girl in one year's span, and if she is alive, she will be very much a changed woman. changed through prayer by Him who listens and answers. broken she may be, but crushed she will not, for she has hope--that which, though shaken at times, will never fall. hope in the One who knows best, who knows all, and who knew her frail, trembling heart--and who still loved her. with that thought, her head bent to the side, the trace of a smile could be found on the corner of her lips, and if you delved into her mind, you would have seen, "He still loves me."



in more ways than one,
it was a beautiful drive home.

christ [mas] morning

bright and early I woke
and with a rub of my eyes
I remembered what day this was
off flew the warm blankets
on went the smile and laughter
and fairly soon
it had all begun,
though really,

it had begun much long ago
at the beginning of the world's time to be precise.

but let us fast forward from then
and backtrack from now
to the dirty, bustling, crowded city of
Bethlehem.

she was pregnant
she was shamed by her family and friends
and he was too, for keeping her
[a shame which all three of them would suffer
the rest of their lives]

they were tired from the long, slow trip south
only to be met by filled-streets
and horrified relatives,
seeing her bulging stomach
knowing they weren't yet wed
no, there was "no room" for them

and the young girl
probably about to cry in desperation
gave birth to her baby boy
in a cattle shed.

she lay her son in a hard manger
softened only by cattle's feed of bristly straw
and lay back exhausted
how would it feel to know that you had born the Messiah--the promised one?

he came to save his people,
but not just the Jewish nation
you
and me.
yes, those oppressed people, slaves to the Greeks
and then the Romans [for years]
without direct messages from God
for 400 years

were not the only captives set free by his coming

that's the message of the Bible.
but, i must be clear, it's only half of the message


because a little over thirty years later,
this little baby would grow up to become a man
who would finally fulfill his purpose for coming to earth
that is,
to die
for you
and me
and to be raised back to life

so that those who believe him--
with active belief, the kind that can't wait to tell the world--
that those who die with him

would be set free
saved
rescued from sin and death
forever.


and the best part is...


he's coming back.

silent eyes

she stood quietly
as above her head the planes thundered into the air
destined for secret places, traceable only by the signs on their tails

she stood quietly
as around her the waves rippled in the dark night
washing the So-Cal beach and preparing it for the morning

and the stars,
oh those beautiful stars,
were hidden by a milky wave painted across the sky

were it not for those around her
tears would've come to her longing eyes
those eyes that had seen much, that had experienced much
and each time another plane left the nearby runway--
soaring powerfully above--
the blue eyes darted up
wishing
praying
waiting
hoping her turn would come soon

how throbbing it was for her searching heart
scared of what lay ahead
out there in the dark distance
across the black sea
she knew not what would come, but only that it would

and turning back to the brightly-lit fire
that stark contrast on a cold december night
she let
go.


of tomorrow's dreams, the regrets of the past
and silently
yes
silently
--for though they saw her face they did not know her heart--
she gave it back
again
as she felt she had done so many times before
and though the tears didn't come til she was alone
it didn't matter anymore
because she was surrendering to win...

soon would come the day
when a plane would take off the ground,
when the fire burned brightly once more,
and the world would be set ablaze.

brother's wisdom

my brother is very wise
and i respect him a lot

last night he reminded me of something
which i had forgotten

he said,
trying to get rid of something in your life
or thoughts
is like trying to get air out of a jar
no matter how hard you try to suck all the air out
it wont work
unless
you fill it with water

and so it is with our lives
the only way
to get something out of your life
or thoughts
is to fill them with something else
like Jesus

to be so completely consumed by Jesus
and loving him above all else
will slowly take away
the worries of other things

and so i've decided
this week
to focus on filling my life
with God's word
and thoughts about him
so that it crowds out
all the unncessary worries
that shouldn't be there.


and this is the verse that's been running through my head all day:
"for i have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me."

she

she wants to write
but doesnt know what to say
she feel it all inside
but the words wont come
it's like nostalgic, for both the past and future
but content
for the rain has come at long last
and she loves it.

the time runs short
and she is drawn to a close
though on the other side, he has no idea
of what has passed
of what awaits

it's all so very strange
and yet perfectly planned


because on the table sits
one
white
rose.

love & pain

those who love deeply
often hurt deeply


but we also get to learn how to forgive deeply